ready to join the human race: vegans

oh, you princes and princesses of fallen fruit. lay down your arms, i mean you no harm. okay, i do. so you don’t eat meat eh? wait, you don’t even use animals for clothing or any other purpose whatsoever? nice work. and you feel the same way about vegetarians as i do? fantastic! perhaps we can be friends after all!

this week, let’s see if these anti-animal product fiends can hold up under the scrutiny of my tallow-soaked magnifying glass!

(what all vegans aspire to someday evolve into.)

i was being facetious before. we could never be friends. why? well, let’s face it. you guys are weirdos. and your body odor situation…okay, won’t go there. it’s no secret how i feel about vegetarians (depending on my mood), but you lot are at a whole different echelon. and while i will admit i have been to a few vegetarian restaurants in my day and found the cuisine more than delicious, vegans take it too far. sure, i’m not for animal suffering. in fact, i think it sucks that a (delicious) calf has to live in a small box with little to no room to move only to be slaughtered before his first birthday so some fat midwesterner can enjoy his succulent flesh swathed in breadcrumbs and served with a hearty marinara. but, isn’t it enough already with your ranting and raving? and from my experience, you guys tend to be way more violent than any of us normies any day of the week.

so, really no animal products at all? that really goes against human/animal nature though, doesn’t it? my major problem with these guys is why vegetarians bother me too. now, not all vegetarians annoy. i get on board with ‘actual vegetarians’ (as opposed to the fad-hopping hypocritical variety commonly found on college campuses or in indian restaurants devouring a meatless samosa). you believe in something and you go for it, balls out. more power to you. however, most people claiming to be vegetarians are in fact not. they eat chicken and/or fish and even the dreaded beef/pork now and again. guess what, guys? you’re not a vegetarian. you just don’t like meet. big difference, dontcha think?

anyway, i digress. veganism is beyond motarded in my humble opinion. we have gnashing and gnawing teeth which came to be so we could, in fact, gnash and gnaw animal parts. the argument is as old as time, though. the veggies claim they live healthier, happier lives. they live in a world (in their mind) where animals are treated as equals and the sun always shines and rainbows sing beautiful rainbow songs. in reality, though, this is hardly the case. they want change? well, it ain’t happening any time soon. a recent poll found that 4% of american adults consider themselves vegetarians and 5% of self-described vegetarians consider themselves vegans. that’s a very, very small amount. it also amuses me that the only countries that even boast a vegan population are america, england, and a few miscellaneous countries in europe. go to asia or africa where the entire animal is used because, quite frankly, it’s all they have for food, and tell them you won’t eat it. watch what happens. it’s a ludicrous notion, really, that you can be so prim and proper that you can call people evil for eating meat (which our ancestors, yes OUR ancestors, have done for eons) when people a world away would never dream of such a mocking title. in fact, they’d probably stone you. yes, stone you.

and what about these so-called benefits? the veganism page on wikipedia claims that

vegetarian diets, which are similar to vegan diets, have been credited with lowering the risk of colon cancer, heart attack, high blood cholesterol, high blood pressure, prostate cancer, and stroke.

this, of course, was written by a vegan. in all actuality, vegans lack the required protein and vitamins us omnivores intake, and thus are reduced to supplement-popping skinnies who probably are more winded than the fatty in the cube behind you.

and i do understand that there are those who are allergic to meat or really just don’t like it. i’m cool with that. and again, actual vegetarians are totally cool with me. but veganism is an idea that is just so bizarre and egocentric that it angers me. truly, truly angers.

so, are you ready to join the human race, vegans?

not in a million years. yes, you may come across these “people” at some point in your life, especially if you attend a four-year, liberal college, and chances are you won’t even realize it because they’ll blend in. (well, maybe. you may notice a stink coming from their direction and their non-animal-made clothes will most definitely stick out like a sore thumb and the knots twisted into oblivion dotting their hair, but you may not.) look, let’s face it. no one likes pointless murder, but what the hell is a cow good for except eating? honestly. if the world ended and humanity was wiped from the planet, what do you think would be the first animal to go? cows. damn right they would. they are god’s gift (if you believe in such a thing). think about it. they have virtually no defense mechanisms (except bulls which we don’t eat in america anyway ), lounge around like lazy good for nothings, and taste fantastic. you do the math.

and don’t get me started on non-fallen fruit or sheep’s wool. how in the world is that suffering? you think a plant cries when you pick a ripe mango from a tree or a sheep goes into a deep depression every time his comfortable wool is sheared from his body? hardly. ugh, you motards. i think you’d be much happier living in a self-contained vegan commune in the precipice of an active volcano where you can all moan together about how the world is against you. well, we are. get used to it.

oh, and in case you’re interested, below is a video of “famous vegetarians and vegans” probably put together as penance by a vegetarian after he/she ate a chicken nugget in a moment of weakness. i really love how it starts out with socrates (how can they prove that?!) and then goes right into benji madden. who the hell is that?

ciao.

robby @ 1:13 pm on 8/24/07

caveat lector