Midwestern Gothic

News broke today about Google’s plans to break into the highly competitive cell phone industry. Google has plans to create the newest operating system for cell phones that may very well trump Windows Mobile OS and even the trendy, pseudo-gay Mac mobile OS.

According to BusinessWeek Online the giant circle jerk that revolves around every move Google makes just got a little messier (paraphrasing). And if they are even a fraction successful with their involvement in the cell phone industry as they were at ass-raping the free online video market then Google is one very large step closer to controlling EVERYTHING. But is this a bad thing? Maybe we need a little more control of our everyday lives by giant global information corporations like Google. And once they control information, then the next step is to branch out into everything else we do on a daily basis. I have a few ideas for you Google, so listen up:

First, How about controlling the soft-drink market. You can put some Soma (see Brave New World) in it and promote your product while you simultaneously drug and hydrate the masses into thinking how you shit golden eggs:

Next, I think you should try your hand and re-charting the face of the world….oh, shit, I guess they already did that….

Lastly, how about creating a race of super Google-humans that are superior to regular humans. These Google humans can be connected to Google 24-7 and then you can make the Google humans into your own personal army bent on destruction of the inferior regular people…

So Google, please please please control everything. If we keep all of this freedom in our own hands we will just destroy ourselves anyways (see Shay’s Rebellion).

It seems like global warming is a huge pain in the ass. I mean we are talking rising sea levels that might destroy low lying cities, above average temperatures and lastly but most important widespread drought in many parts of the United States. For massive booming metropolises located in already warm dry climates like Phoenix, L.A. and the others listed here, I can definitely see some serious shortages in water. That means dead crops, brown grass, and really really thirsty residents. BINGO!!! We Michiganders sit on top of the largest fresh water resources in the world. That means a completely endless supply of water forever for us to bottle up and sell to these idiots moving into the middle of the desert. Here is our chance to shine Michigan!

I am getting really excited talking about this opportunity to just gouge the hell out of the dehydrated South Western U.S. residents. But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves; this is going to take some serious planning. Here are the steps (at least as I see them):

1) The first step is to INCREASE, yeah that’s right, INCREASE our greenhouse gas emissions. Now this step is going to be very tough to do, but if we all start using hair spray like we are residents of New Jersey, driving our cars like we are residents of…well…Michigan…, and start burning the hell out of some otherwise recyclable trash, me may just be able to do it.

2) Once we speed up global warming, then we just sit back wait for some massive drought related deaths and start bottling up some delicious H2O to sell at wonderful emergency-inflated prices.

3) Build a giant money vault with a dollar sign on it (a la Scrooge McDuck) so all residents of Michigan can take turns swimming laps in all of the cash we make selling OUR water.

At this point, Michigan should have the most successful economy in the country, and we will all have jobs. The end.

I would have to say that this seems like the type of analysis that many of us go through when picking a mate. However, not everyone has the balls to actually admit they think things like this.

This is an e-mail making the rounds right now:

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG’S LIST

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don’t think
I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front
about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests
Craig’s List PostingID:THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense
to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case
you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful”
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.
Classic “pump and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

____________
Rob Campbell
J.P.Morgan
Diversified Industrials Investment Banking
277 Park Avenue , 16/F, New York , NY 10172

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After a month long hiatus from senatorial responsibilities, Idaho Senator Larry Craig is back and better than ever! It was about a month ago when Craig was accused of clicking and whistling some dude into givin’ up some gay bathroom sex at a Minnesota airport. But lets be honest, there MUST be a reason why this 62 year old republican plead guilty…right? OF COURSE! He “pleaded guilty to put the matter behind him.” Duh!. This makes perfect sense though: he wanted to just accept the consequences for a crime he claims he didn’t commit because it would be quicker than ascertaining the truth.

Also, he claims that he never consulted a lawyer and this is another reason he plead guilty. Not because he is a gay man looking for a dick in his hand. He couldn’t be a fag; he is a republican from Idaho. I mean just look at the guy. He is like the democratically elected version of Mr. Rogers. All he is missing is a sweater vest and that creepy old gay dude vibe…uh…err…shit. Well I guess he is just missing the sweater vest.

But hell, at least he is not letting this whole debacle interfere with his strong “conservative” values. Mr. Craig recently enlisted the help of the ACLU to help him preserve his dignity, as a staunch republican? Shit. Well, maybe he doesn’t have a sweater vest, and maybe he has no dignity, but at least he has the secret password to have some stranger in the toilet next to him put their dick in his hand. That’s got to be worth something, right?

this blog is dedicated to the biggest scam in the history of civilization: marriage. here is my problem with marriage.

first, you have to buy a very expensive diamond ring to get engaged. this is the tainted first step in the biggest scam in the history of everything. why is this tainted? Well it is pretty easy to understand. from the beginning of their lives, most girls think that you must have a diamond to show that you are committed to a relationship. and if you have recently watched blood diamond (like me) you will see that that is a pretty nasty industry. on a less humanitarian level, diamond rings suck because it is a huge waste of money. honestly, i could think of a million better things to do with $7-10,000.

second, marriage is a huge scam because weddings are really really expensive. why are they expensive? because for some reason everyone thinks that the most important part of being married is letting friends and family come and watch you do it. screw that. what is so wrong with just doing to deed at the courthouse? aren’t the most important people involved in the process the man and the woman getting married? thought so. i hear stories about people spending $40,000 on weddings like it is chump change. what a waste for one day. one day that will probably happen at least 2 times in 50% of american’s lives. i have plenty of awesome ways to spend $80,000. how about one of those new boat-cars. bewya.

lastly, marriage is a huge scam and annoys the hell out of me because all of the many companies that profit from them is essentially brain washing us all. they are so good at their jobs that almost everyone thinks that the expensive extravagant weddings are totally normal. i hate them for it.

it seems like marriage is a huge scam for many reasons: they promote cutting off kids hands in africa, they waste a shit-load of money, and we are all told what to think. if you still want a huge extravagant wedding after reading this, then you are probably normal. we are all lemmings.