Midwestern Gothic

first i thought it was just the crows. now i wish it were only the crows. like the plot of a bad “animal” horror move, similar to pet cemetery, the land before time, or dr dolittle, the animals here have been developing very strange behavior. its like a little girl being possessed by a demon, but instead a little squirrel getting possessed by a little squirrel demon that came from the depths of little squirrel hell. yes, there is indeed a squirrel hell, and heaven, for that matter. i’m used to seeing friendly squirrels munching on acorns and happily jumping around in trees. here the squirrels lunge at you, making demonic chirping/gurgling/screaming sounds that somehow hit that magical “brown” note and cause grown men to shit their pants. ok, i made the brown note part up, but you get the point. in michigan, squirrels would generally get along with one another. here, there is an ongoing civil war between neighboring hordes. i can’t tell who is who because they all look the same and it’s not like they were jerseys. i’m beginning worry that these squirrels may develop opposable thumbs, make weapons, and become an actual threat to you and me.

the raccoons are strange as well. luckily, they aren’t as aggressive as the squirrels, but they are different, nonetheless. it’s not uncommon to see a group of raccoons out for a stroll on the sidewalks, simply walking along with the people as if it wasn’t out of the ordinary. what happened to raccoons being nocturnal and sneaky? it’s usually a family of them too. apparently, like our mothers that feel that it’s important for the family to eat dinner together, these raccoon mothers feel it’s important to take afternoon strolls together.

i’m not sure what animal is next in like to get possessed. is it going to be a mammal, reptile, an avian, or perhaps even an amphibian? only time will tell.

have you ever noticed how crows always seem to be arguing? several times a day i will come across a pair of crows standing in front of some discarded food, trash, or roadkill squawking very loudly and aggressively at one another. this will go on for about 10 minutes until they forget why they were there in the first place and fly off somewhere else to start another argument. i always wonder what they are arguing about, or if they are even arguing. their sounds are slightly uglier than a songbird’s, and this may just give an appearance of an argument. they could be saying something like, “hey larry, do you think this dead rabbit will taste any good?” or “did you hear that earl passed away? yeah, it was that west nile virus. that dumbass johnny may have it now since he ate him.”

seattle people, in general, are pleasant people. however, they tend to be very passive as well as very strange. for instance, 4 way stops bring traffic to a complete standstill. everyone sits there waiting for someone else to go, and since nobody is going to go, they just sit there. then they start making motions or say “go ahead”. “no, you go ahead.” “no, you go ahead.” and on and on and on and such is the vicious cycle of the seattle four way stop.

then the really funny part happens. me, being from michigan, will actually proceed through the intersection and break the standstill. seattlelanians hate that for some reason. they will give me the dirtiest looks but will never say or do anything. thus is the nature of the seattle passive aggressive beast.

more on passive aggressiveness here: if someone is mad at you they will never tell you, threaten you, or do anything. everything except for something along the lines of leaving an anonymous note stating in very vague terms that someone is displeased at someone else. no names, no specifics, no locations, or any identifying information is included. seriously, you will see these random anonymous notes on telephone poles. i find this very strange.

speaking of strange, the other week as i walking through a park i came upon a group of adults acting out a game of warcraft. they had these medieval looking clothes, foam covered tubes as swords, cardboard shields, bean bags to throw as spells, and other random crap. they were even screaming in english accents. who are these people? to get a better visual, i found a clip on you tube of a similar group. this is exactly what it looked like:

some of you may notice that i have a lot to say about bums. that is because seattle has an endless supply of bums. lately i have been classifying each type of bum. the longer i live here the longer this list will grow. here are a few types to start things off.

-the traditional bum: dirty overcoat, beard, missing teeth, smells of urine, hardly understandable, blank stare.

-the “war veteran” bum: so called vietnam vet, always disabled, yet walks up to you and holds out both hands to ask for spare change, good at making signs out of cardboard and a sharpie, capable of telling you a long sob story about why he’s now a bum, wears an olive green jacket with a small german flag and/or american flag on it, tom cruise.

-the bum who speaks in tongues: similar to the traditional bum, but his mind is so fried that he can only speak in some indiscernible language that sometimes other bums can understand, but never normal people.

-the younger slacker type: predominately in the streets of seattle, haven’t gotten over kurt cobain, usually ask for joints instead of change.

speaking of the younger slacker type bums who ask “could you spare a joint,” what the hell is wrong with them? these people are our age and perfectly capable of working. yet, they sit on the sidewalk and ask people if they can spare a joint. why yes, i’ve been working hard, making some money so i’m able to buy some weed and hand roll you a perfect joint, sir. glad i could help!

anyways, that’s enough on bums for today.

i have. i usually tune bums out. they say the same things over and over again. can you spare some change. god bless you. i am a disabled veteran. got any more. however, the other day a bum caught my attention by saying, “could you spare some change, and a blowjob?” somewhere, deep in his fully functional brain, he decided that he has an equal chance of getting change and getting a blowjob. does he realize the chance a clean cut, showered, normal person would have in randomly asking other guys for a blowjob? of course the bum is crazy, but can you imagine what is going through his head? i’m going to ask this guy to hop down on his knees and suck away. this dude definitely won’t care about all the grime, urine, or herpes he’ll have to lick.

i wonder what he’s going to ask me next. hey mister, could you spare some change, a little foreplay, and let me have sex with you? i’ll post an update next time i walk by gay bum.

thank you robby for inviting me to write about my seattle experiences through the eyes of a michiganian. to be completely honest, i am a bit intimidated about posting next to all these funny, enlightening, and well written posts. needless to say, i will do my best to write stuff that is at best remotely interesting and at worst a complete cluster fuck. until you find another northwest correspondent, i am, unfortunately, all you got.

while living here in seattle i will do my best to remain true to michigan and avoid becoming a hippy, vegan, hippy vegan, crack whore, bum and homosexual (although i am not against homosexuality, i don’t like attempts at converting me). did you know that seattle is the second gayest city in the us behind san fran? already there have been several attempts at converting me to the other side, but so far they are easy to see through (such as the “innocent” invite to the club slap and tickle).

until next time…