Midwestern Gothic

…tell them you’re doing your part to become a renewable energy source. We all know about various forms of biofuels, from ethanol to fast food grease. But a doctor from Beverly Hills may have discovered the single greatest source of renewable energy: fat people.

This guy saved the fat from his liposuction patients and used it to power both his own SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. The doctor himself had this to say:

“The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel-and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

Unfortuately, it’s illegal in California to use human waste to power vehicles. And I thought that state was supposed to be at the forefront of investment in alternative energy. They’re sitting on a goldmine. And worse, they’re trying to prosecute this guy for turning his patients’ fat into exhaust. Please. This guy is an entrepreneur. He should be on the covers of magazines. This is exactly the type of industrious, creative behavior that this country needs to encourage, not prohibit. It’s a win for everyone.

So, if you really care about renewable energy, do the world a favor: eat. Feel free to enjoy the fattiest foods around. Before long, people will be paying you to take your fat. Is this a great time to be alive or what?

It’s clear that, although the name of this website is Midwestern Gothic, we tend to stray away from limiting ourselves to news or other bits of writing about the actual Midwest. But something big is of course happening in the Midwest right now and, for some reason, we have failed to add our two cents. I’m talking about the arrest of Illionois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Our silence must be broken. (Note: I particularly blame Jef for this since (1) he never ever posts on this site and (2) he lives in Illinois. Get with the program.)

Anyway, this little issue in Illinois has been covered to death. Blagojevich tried to sell a Senate seat, got caught and was arrested…blah blah blah. More interesting news has been released today that President-elect Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel might have been somewhat involved. This doesn’t exactly bode well for the incoming president who, among many things, promised to change things in government. This doesn’t sound like change at all.

But I don’t really care if Emmanuel was involved either. The main problem here is Illinois state law that gives the governor the power to appoint a new Senator to a recently vacated seat. What do people think is going to happen? The incentive to use that power for personal gain is way too great. With that kind of power any politician is likely to entertain offers in exchange for his or her support. Maybe not every politician would act on that incentive, but I’m sure offers would be made.

Here’s a novel idea: let the people of Illinois elect a new Senator. They elected Obama and he left. Now they should be able to elect his replacement. I thought that was the whole point of representative democracy. I may be more cynical than the average American and I generally think most politicians are worthless human beings, but I still think we should be able to trust them not to abuse their power to some extent. But we probably shouldn’t allow them to appoint other politicians to what should be elected office. That’s just dumb.

Of course, as I’ve recently stated, I don’t really trust voting either. There are too many idiots out there exercising their right to elect lawmakers. So, in the spirit of pitting candidates against retired sitcom characters, I offer the following as possible Illinois electors. One of these groups of characters should be responsible for determining the most qualified candidate for public office out of the Land of Lincoln:

In my mind, the clear winner here is the Winslows. There are more of them. The candidates would really have to show what they’re made of in order to win that election. They’d have to beat Carl in shooting criminals, beat Laura in cheerleading, beat Eddie in whatever Eddie used to do, beat Mrs. Winslow in being sassy and beat Urkel in being annoying. Since they’re politicians, that last one is a freebie. Regardless, Larry and Balki are pushovers and the Bundys, well they’d just fight with each other rather than do their job of vetting the candidates. So, the Winslows it is. Know hope, Illinois. Know hope.

Is there anything that this country’s legislators won’t get their hands into? First, they vote to bail out financial institutions because they conducted bad business in a market that the legislators had already distorted. Then, they start talking about bailing out American car companies because they don’t know how to run their businesses. Now, a few Congressmen have sponsored a bill that would force (formerly) Division I College Football to implement a playoff system for determining the national champion. The bill

“will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a ‘national championship’ football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice.”

When will this stuff stop? Is Congress bored? Are Congressmen just completely that full of themselves and their power? I’m no constitutional scholar, but I’m pretty sure this would be one of the things that the framers had in mind when they wrote that

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

That’s the Tenth Amendment. And it appears to make very clear that Congress has no authority over designing a proper way in which to finish a college football season. Maybe the BCS is bogus. Maybe a playoff system would be better. But surely Congress has better things to do than to take control of college sports. They could start by finding out where all that money they authorized the Treasury to spend is going.

The election was over a month ago. And although the nation was able to determine who would be president, Minnesota can’t seem to figure out who won the state’s Senate race. The decision is between incumbent Senator Norm Coleman and incumbent radio host Al Franken. Sen. Coleman was leading by 215 votes on election night, thus necessitating a recount. Ballot reviews have resulted in the discovery of questionable ballots and ballots that were never counted in the first place. I have one word for this: boring.

There are two big issues with this. One, who cares? I’m sure both of them would make terrible Senators. So why bother wasting all this time counting and recounting ballots? Let them both be Senator and force them to armwrestle every time they have to cast a vote. The winner of the armwrestling match gets to vote on legislation and the loser has to do the winner’s laundry. Problem solved.

The second issue is that this just sheds light (very bright light) on the major drawback of elections: allowing stupid people to participate in electoral democracy. Here is a rundown of the problems with some of the ballots:

They are sorting the ballots into five categories: those excluded because the voter’s name and address on the return envelope doesn’t match the one on the application; ballots with a fake voter’s signature; voter was not registered and eligible to vote in the precinct or has not included a properly completed voter registration application; voter already voted at the election, either in person or by absentee ballot. The fifth category has ballots were not rejected for the four legal reasons specified.

It takes a certain class of citizen to (a) not know their address; (b) fake their signature; (c) vote in the wrong precinct; (d) turn in an incomplete ballot; or (e) not remember that they already voted. It’s just a shame that people who fall into one of these categories are even allowed to vote. They clearly have no business choosing lawmakers.

The only alternative I can see is to discontinue voting altogether. We need to eliminate the chance that morons will have undue influence in the political arena. The only purpose voting serves is to reduce the threat of tyranny. A single person cannot gain power and then enact arcane laws that allow him or her to hold onto that power indefinitely. But I think there are much better ways to choose legislators than to have people head to the polls every couple years. And I think Minnesota is the perfect place to start.

I propose that both of these candidates compete in a series of skill tests against a panel of Minnesota’s finest:

First, Messrs. Franken and Coleman must display physical prowess by wrestling Dauber. Points go to the candidate that can pin the assistant coach the fastest. If Dauber wins both matches, he determines who fought harder. Second, the candidates must compete against Luther in a pie eating contest. Any Coach fan knows that Luther loves to eat. With so much on the line, the candidates must be willing to get dirty here. I want to see blueberry pie running down their faces. If Luther wins the contest, both candidates have to bake a pie and Luther will pick the winner of that contest. And finally, the two candidates must engage Coach Hayden Fox in a battle of wits. Coach Fox knew how to lead a college football team to victory. He led the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles to a 1993 national title when they defeated West Texas University in the Pioneer Bowl. That’s something not just any coach can accomplish. I think Franken and Coleman could learn a lot from Coach Fox. I suggest they start watching Coach on DVD to get a glimpse of what genius is. It’s going to take a lot to beat him.

And now that I think about it, I don’t think they can beat him. Coach Fox will run circles around these guys. He’d completely embarrass them. So, in the interest of maintaining whatever dignity these two candidates still have, I suggest the state cease all recount efforts immediately and select someone that all Minnesotans can agree on. It’s time to send Senator Coach Hayden Fox to Washington, DC.

If this post did not satisfy all your Coach-related needs, I highly recommend clicking the following links:

The Coach Blog

Brandon Bird’s Coach art

Forget your wedding anniversary. Forget your loved ones’ birthdays. Hell, forget your own birthday as well. The most important anniversary ever is being celebrated today. It’s December 5, 2008: the 75th anniversary of the repeal of prohibition.

So drink up and be merry!

Remember the Diversity Day episode from the first season of the U.S. version of The Office? Michael Scott had used inappropriate language when mimicking a Chris Rock bit and the entire office was forced to sit through a presentation on race and ethnicity. Michael interrupted the presentation, got in trouble and the facilitator left. Then Michael decided to have his own Diversity Day conversation with his staff. It went a little like this; very little like this actually. This was the only video I could find:

Well, it just so happens that I had to attend a “Facilitated Conversation on Race and Ethnicity” at work today. I wish I could say it was anything similar to the above clip. But, alas, it was not. Rather, we had to watch short video clips of people interracting at work and then discuss, in small groups, whether we thought race had anything to do with the situation and, if so, what could be done about it. I want to provide an example of one of the clips we watched, but unfortunately, they aren’t available on the internet. So, here is what happened:

Scene: Four people sitting in a conference room discussing their current work

Characters: 1 black man, 1 black woman, 1 Asian man, 1 white man

And…action!

Black Man: Great job everyone. I think this project really turned out well. (more standard office talk.)

All: Mmmhmmm.

Black Woman: I don’t know about you all, but I could use time away from this conference room. How about we go grab some lunch?

Black Man: Sounds good.

Asian Man: Yes, very nice.

White Man: Um…you guys go ahead. I need to get to the bank by 1.

Everyone gives him a look. Fade out.

What?! We had to watch four videos of stuff like this. Granted, this one was the most ridiculous, but the others weren’t much better. And here’s what I learned from these videos:

1. Race could play a role in any situation that involves people of two or more races.
2. Sometimes people just have to go to the bank.
3. Working in an office blows.

I already knew all three of those things before the session started. So I learned nothing new and wasted my morning. Yay, diversity!