pigs as equals? you sure about that, winston?
okay. so you may not follow the weird and wild news that gets blasted behind the comings and goings of the war on terror, pushed back behind bush’s latest faux pa, or iran, or rosie o’donnel. but i do. this offbeat stuff is the real deal. it’s the stuff that’s happenin on the home front. in our own backyards.
well, there’s a “cute” little story from alabama making its way across the wires. i say cute when in fact it is anything but. hideously disturbing, yes. cute, no.
this 11 year old boy was apparently out boar hunting with his pops when he heard a rustling from behind him and out of nowhere this giant, mammoth porker came barreling toward him. now, when i say giant, i mean holy f@$%! i really don’t think you understand how much i’m understating the piggy’s size, so click here, scroll down, and see for yourself. ::shudder::
yes, that is a picture of an almost 10 foot long, 1000 pound pig and his shooter standing above him like a…well, like a triumphant hunter standing over a monstrous, dead pig i guess. some claim the animal to be a fake, but the boy’s father has already sent the pig to his local taxidermist to be stuffed (the head, anyway). so i guess when it comes back, we can prove once-and-for-all if the thing is real or not.
by the way, click here to see a a riveting report (it’s in the video section of the website) where the boy and his father use their southern, twangy “charm” to invite cnn’s kiran chetry over for pork sausage…seriously, VERY awkward mr. stone.
anyway, i have a couple problems with all this monster-pig hoopla, assuming the bloody thing ends up being real:
1.) this is a huge pig, by anyone’s standards. seriously, i’m horrified. i mean, it’s bad enough with the recent bobcat attacks in michigan (what’s happening ma nature!), but now i have to worry about some pig that looks like it was carved out of a butcher’s nightmare coming after me like a delicious truffle? the thing looks like an f-ing dinosaur! seriously. is anyone else just stupefied by this? yes, the kid was brave for shooting the thing with a pistol (and lucky as all sin), but if i were him i’d be crapping myself til i was thirty.
2.) how did super-pig get that big? (as i’ve dubbed him, although perhaps it should be a villain, on account of it’s gruff appearance…so maybe lex piggy?) growth hormones maybe? toxic-waste spillage that seeped into the roots and berries it frequented on? again, back to point number one, a pig that size craves flesh…man flesh. i have no doubt about that. so yes, little jamison stone did us all a favor. no more volkswagen-sized pigs rummaging through our garbage cans at night or snatching our sleeping pooches from their chains in the backyard. but how and why does a pig get that big? i mean, is it necessary evolution? hello?! it reminds me of hildisvíni, freyja’s battle boar from norse mythology! watch out, loki!
and how old is that thing? as old as time itself? could be, dear readers…could be.
anyway, i digress. the point of the matter is a congrats go out to little jamison on his death blow.
you can email jamison stone at jamison@monsterpig.com if you’re so inclined, although i’ve taken the liberty of crafting a template letter, which i’ve pasted below. if you want to talk about his hunt, about the therapy he’ll surely need, or about how he and his father really don’t need a seemingly endless supply of pork/bacon etc. (c’mon cholesterol!), feel free to use it and pass it along. let’s here it for the little/big guy!
dear jamison,
dude, you rock. my name is [your name here] and i’m a/an [your occupation]. seriously, way to go. i don’t even know you and i’m so proud of you. don’t listen to anyone saying you and your father are stupid, lying bastards. or that, at 11 years old, you shouldn’t be hunting at all, period. these naysayers are just jealous and they wish they had such a righteous kill. man, you really rock, bro.
you ever think about getting into films? oh wait, you have? well, i’m behind you. what about running for governor some day? think about it. your whole campaign could be reminiscent of when you were 11 and killed the huge wild boar. everyone would vote for you. terrorists? health care? the state of the budget? all would fain in comparison to this overshadowing event in your otherwise mundane, dreary life. kudos!
seriously, how many shots did it take to kill it? you must be like, super lethal. you’re like the new chuck norris! i’m going to start a trend where people say impossible situations and instead of chuck norris/jack bauer, they insert your name. “jamison stone doesn’t read books. he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.” seriously, how cool does that sound? seriously dude, you freakin rock.
anyway, tell your dad i say hi. and if you have any extra, i’d really love to try some super-hog sausage. please.
yours truly,
[your name here]
