Midwestern Gothic

Here in the Midwest we take our football seriously. The following is a reader-submitted response to my article “Proudly Bleeding Green”, from sassy future contributor, Annie.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So Nick says it’s easy to be a Michigan fan, therefore we all should feel like he’s being so noble for switching his allegiance to Michigan State. According to his definition of “bandwagon”, UM football is a group that readily attracts many followers. I am a “bandwagon” fan because I enjoy a talented football team that many people also like? And this is a bad thing? I beg to differ.

In East Lansing for the game this weekend, the State fans were out in full force. In addition to literally countless “Go Green, Go White” chants every time ANYTHING happened in the game, I had to deal with drunk State fans flipping me off because I dared to root for a talented team.

MSU fans are all so full of hate for UM. State fans hate that UM wins all the time! State fans hate winning. This explains a lot of why they are so die-hard. They are gluttons for punishment. I was literally threatened and cursed at for liking a good team and enjoying winning.

I don’t hate MSU, but they certainly hate me. Even my husband, who has loved me for 7 years, did not love me for the three hours of that game last Saturday. But what is so wrong about loving Michigan? I grew up loving teams that broke my heart on a daily basis. Lowell football never used to be any good. The Lions have been nothing to get excited about since I was in high school. Let me enjoy my winning team dammit!

But that’s just the thing. I can’t enjoy Michigan winning. I can’t enjoy it because I get so much crap for liking to win too much. I can’t enjoy a well-matched game where my team pulled out a victory in the closing seconds, because apparently I’m supposed to root for State, the team with a long history of blowing it. I’m supposed to do that because it’s more noble to suffer. So noble, that Nick, who enjoyed many a Michigan game throughout their championship run in 1997, decided he got sick of enjoying football and wanted to try losing more. Does this make sense?

I grew up loving Michigan because they were good. I suppose this does make me “bandwagon”, but what is so wrong with that? Being a Michigan fan is not exactly easy because I have to deal with people telling me I’m not suffering enough for football.

Now want a real rivalry game? Try CMU vs. WMU. Fire up chips!

More office shenanigans, submitted by avid reader and our resident Queen of Awkward, Lindsay.I’m relieved to discover my trademark awkwardness is not confined to social settings, the doctor’s office, and/or conversations about money. It now has its place in the workforce! Well, it’s always been there, now I’m just documenting it.

The Long Hallway Walk

Cast: You, Your Coworker, and a Long Hallway. Scene: You’re walking toward each other, down a very long hallway. Initially, you can only make out who it is. They’re but an inch on the horizon. But when you’re both about halfway to your destination, you can make eye contact. Do you keep eye contact for the rest of your 30-second walk? Stare at the ground rudely? Look at the walls to your right, even thought there’s nothing on them? A window would help, but you’re in an office. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as windows in an office?! What do you do?!

The Chatty Cube Mate

Your cube-neighbor begins chatting intermittently to you. You think the conversation is over, and get up to fax something. About 10 feet away you hear her talking again, thinking you’re still there. What to do, what to do!? Quietly walk back to your desk and resume the casual conversation? Leave her there talking to no one? Why do I even care!? AWKWARD!

The One-Stall Bathroom

So maybe you finally found a good Chinese restaurant and are happy with their selection. Except for… errr… the “leftovers” the next day. If you catch my drift what I’m saying. So, you hunker down in the 1-stall bathroom which happens to be right next to the supply closet. You might be in there for, say, 5 minutes. And, as coincidence has it, your coworker might spend, oh, I don’t know, FIVE MINUTES rifling through the supply closet as well! Should this unfortunate circumstance ever happen to you, dear reader, just remember this one bit of advice: DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT AS YOU LEAVE THE BATHROOM. Acting as though it’s perfectly normal to be in the loo for 5 minutes is a sure-fire way to make your coworker forget that it’s weird to be in there that long. Looking guilty or embarrassed will only confirm suspicions that something was amiss.

Dating a Coworker

WARNING: DO NOT DO IT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. TOO MUCH AWKWARDNESS ENSUES!

Organized Clutter. n. Strategically placed assortment of paper, pens, safety glasses, and half empty coffee cups. Suggests employee is currently working on important project, but possibly ran to bathroom. In truth, said employee left office at 3:00.

Jack: Rob, do you know where Nick is? I have an important task for him.
Rob: Judging by the organized clutter on his desk, Nick is still here and hard at work, but stepped away from his cubicle.

I do this nearly every day.

The Exaggerated Optimist (aka Nick) is back with a rant regarding his favorite ruffians, the Detroit Lions. Enjoy.
______

I’ve been labeled the Exaggerated Optimist. Whether it’s relationships, job opportunities, or my beloved Lions, the glass is always half full.

After Detroit’s 36-21 victory over the Oakland Raiders yesterday, I was left with positive, confident thoughts. I know what you’re going to say: “The Raiders were the only team worse than the Lions last year. We’re supposed to beat them.”

False. Detroit has a long history of losing to teams they should have defeated. Yesterday was a pleasant surprise.

Though Oakland is far from a quality NFL team, they had football’s best pass defense in 2006. This is a combination of secondary coverage and pressure from the d-line. The Lions arguably have one strength, and that’s the aerial attack of Mike Martz’s “greatest show on turf.” If Oakland’s defense had dominated like last year, the lions would be 0-1 right about now. And considering that Detroit’s offensive line last year was abysmal, blocking for the worst run offense in the league and giving up 63 sacks (the second most in the NFL), it would have been a cakewalk.

Yesterday, however, the o-line gave up one sack. Kitna had time to throw, and the receivers were more open than a Lowell cheerleader’s legs. Calvin Johnson scored his first career touchdown. Roy Williams scored. Fourth receiver Shaun McDonald scored. Last year’s fourth receiver was current Oakland quarterback Josh McCown. Apparently Detroit added depth in the off-season as well. And if our offense can score against a top-rated defense, we can out score more than enough opponents this year.

For one week at least, I’m exaggeratedly optimistic about the Lions’ chances to make the playoffs. Hopefully I’ll have something to write about next week, after the Minnesota Vikings fall like a Minneapolis bridge…(too soon?)

this just in: wannabe lead singer of wannabe emo band wrote song about wannabe girlfriend:

“there was never anything between us. it was kind of funny — kind of sad, actually. the story of my life… i thought she was the most beautiful girl i had ever seen. i told her, ‘i have a song about you already.’ obviously, there was no song. but i thought it was smooth…”

the girl firing his passion was delilah dicrescenzo, “a columbia university graduate, and steeplechase runner training for the 2008 olympic trials.”

“it was so beautifully written”, she says. “there was pressure to live up to this ideal. i didn’t know how to be polite but, you know, ditch him.”

your song for delilah isn’t quixotic; it doesn’t deserve my consideration when flipping radio channels because my cd player is broke. you’re a no talent hack. you write love songs about woman you meet in passing. how does your band feel knowing they are famous because of an acoustic song headlined by you. “deliliah” is clearly out of your league. call punk sensation avril lavigne.

congratulations tom higgenson, you’re on my hate list.

lindsay sent along some additions to my recent that co-worker column. i wanted to post them here because they are great snippets, but you can also find them in the comments section.

How to spot a lnp:
f. They might ask rhetorical questions out loud when they are frustrated with a task, such as “Welllll hooow am I supposed to do (x) if (y) won’t do theeeeeir part? Last time I checked, I didn’t get paid to do (x) so why am I supposed to do it now?” No one is in their cube.

What you can do to stop a lnp:
h. Answer their question out loud. “Well Jim, the reason you’re supposed to help out in this situation is a little thing called TEAMWORK. If you want to wait until (y) does (x) then go right ahead, but you’re really saving yourself and the team some time by just doing the goddamn thing instead of talking out loud to no one in particular about why you aren’t willing to do it. You’re worried you’re not getting paid. Okay, how much do you make? $50k per year? Okay, here you go (throw him two dollars). You make about two dollars per five minutes, so here’s a couple bucks, just do the damn thing!”

just goes to show you that we are serious about posting user-submitted content. send it in and be awesome like lindsay.