Midwestern Gothic

yes, it’s true. i just caught wind of this today. famed beer-monger and author of all things barley-pop has passed away at the age of 65.

what, you think i meant the other michael jackson? pssh. he was dead to me once he released “invincible” in 2001. follow this link to see what i mean. ::shudder::

anyway, the michael jackson i’m referring to is a famed beer-ologist. in fact, in the beer community, there is none holier. as this article states:

he became known as the most widely-published and influential author on beer. he developed a cult television series known as “the beer hunter”, and contributed articles to countless magazines and newspapers.

now, i actually own a book of his and it is pretty fantastic. never has the panorama of beers been so pleasantly doted upon. he died in his home yesterday due to complications from his battle with parkinson’s disease.

midwestern gothic gives our most heartfelt sympathies to his friends and families, and beer-drinkers everywhere. truly he was…a king among men.

click here to check out his site. worth the visit if you are into beer in any way, shape, or form. c’mon, people. pay some respect.

ciao.

n. similar to materialistic in that one is totally obsessed with their data and software. They cannot bear the thought of losing their data in any way.

matt: i just deleted half of our site man.
rob: jack backs up our website ten times an hour, has multiple backup drives, hard/softcopy of all his screen shots, game saves, and documents. so we should be ok
matt: he is daterialistic and it makes me so hot for him.
classic jef: let’s call him and have him back up your stuff then matt.
rob: ok i will call him.
(rings…)
jack: hello?
rob: hey brosef, i need you to back up the site because matt deleted half of it in his haste to close it and get back to his knitting.
jack: please hold while i hump my computer.
(holding…)
jack: backup complete.
rob, matt, and classic jef in unison: you are the most daterialistic bitch we know!

remember mad libs? you know you do. a short story or scene would be written, but blank spaces would be inserted strategically throughout. each blank space gave a direction as to what type of word should be inserted (noun, verb, etc). there’s an example on the wikipedia page linked to above. anyway, what follows are two spam messages i received today. i can’t help but think someone is playing mad libs with ads for what appears to be some male enhancement drug called MEGADIK.

message 1:

Girls always hee-hawed at me and even youths did in the urban lavatory!
Well, now I giggl at them, because I took M_E_G. ADI. K
for 7 months and now my putz is very much more than federal.

message 2:

Chicks always laughed at me and even fellows did in the federal comfort station!
Well, now I laugh at them, because I took Me_ga. d_ik.
for 3 months and now my pecker is terribly greater than national.

come on, everybody! let’s do our own:

addendum (8/31): here’s a spam message i had this morning:

Virgins always laughed at me and even gentlemans did in the civil WC!
Well, now I whizgiggle at them, because I took M_E GA D IK
for 4 months and now my putz is much best than civil.

how long will this last? how many combinations can they make?

this just in: wannabe lead singer of wannabe emo band wrote song about wannabe girlfriend:

“there was never anything between us. it was kind of funny — kind of sad, actually. the story of my life… i thought she was the most beautiful girl i had ever seen. i told her, ‘i have a song about you already.’ obviously, there was no song. but i thought it was smooth…”

the girl firing his passion was delilah dicrescenzo, “a columbia university graduate, and steeplechase runner training for the 2008 olympic trials.”

“it was so beautifully written”, she says. “there was pressure to live up to this ideal. i didn’t know how to be polite but, you know, ditch him.”

your song for delilah isn’t quixotic; it doesn’t deserve my consideration when flipping radio channels because my cd player is broke. you’re a no talent hack. you write love songs about woman you meet in passing. how does your band feel knowing they are famous because of an acoustic song headlined by you. “deliliah” is clearly out of your league. call punk sensation avril lavigne.

congratulations tom higgenson, you’re on my hate list.

i know jack has the office-copia market cornered with features that define what it means to work in the cubicle sprawl (see here and here.)

but i simply couldn’t ignore the transgression that follows.

so.

i get an “all-office” email at 10:54 a.m. claiming that a piece of jewelry was found. no alarms so far. even though i don’t own jewelry, i’ll take any excuse i can to stop staring at a 10000 row excel document (advertising at its sexiest, let me tell you). so i hunker down to what i think is going to be a quick 5 second note about a sapphire earring or cubic zirconium engagement ring that’s longing for its real owner.

instead, i get this.

found,

if you can describe it, it’s yours.

this was sent out by an actual person in the office (a partner and creative director, mind you, not some nameless peon.) it was sent without prompting or context. a photo even accompanied it, further adding to the ludicrousness.

thank you, creative director, for wasting everyone’s time with your silly wit. did you think that up all by yourself? tee hee, it would be a large guffaw if a detailed description accompanied a “lost and found” email, tee hee, you thought to yourself.

apparently, there’s nothing better to do here than come up with inside jokes with yourself.

oh, that’s right. you’ve picked up three college co-eds and are driving them around town showing off how cool you are. duh, how could i forget?

seriously, i wish i could make up stuff half this good. apparently officer mccreepy (check out the link for a terrifying vision of a man with no taste whatsoever) was asked by three university students for a ride home. he complied. but instead of taking them directly home, he thought he’d show of his muscle (and his mustache) and drag at speeds of 80 mph, eventually losing control and ramming into a light pole.

yippee! law enforcement! after the crash, the officer told the students to run away and deny it ever happened. doesn’t it just make you feel so incredibly safe knowing that these are the people with power? that these are the people who are walking around with guns and nightsticks and mace?

chief joe winkle had it right:

“this is the kind of thing that I should be worrying about my 16-year-old doing, not a 38-year-old, six-year veteran of the police department.”

truer words have never been spoken. maybe he’s just trying to relive a childhood he never had. i know during my teenage years, i loved picking up transients and pretending i was in a race then crashing into a wall/median/light post with the hopes that they’d want to sleep with me when they found out how really cool and tough i was.

oh, nostalgia.

ciao.