Midwestern Gothic

some of you may notice that i have a lot to say about bums. that is because seattle has an endless supply of bums. lately i have been classifying each type of bum. the longer i live here the longer this list will grow. here are a few types to start things off.

-the traditional bum: dirty overcoat, beard, missing teeth, smells of urine, hardly understandable, blank stare.

-the “war veteran” bum: so called vietnam vet, always disabled, yet walks up to you and holds out both hands to ask for spare change, good at making signs out of cardboard and a sharpie, capable of telling you a long sob story about why he’s now a bum, wears an olive green jacket with a small german flag and/or american flag on it, tom cruise.

-the bum who speaks in tongues: similar to the traditional bum, but his mind is so fried that he can only speak in some indiscernible language that sometimes other bums can understand, but never normal people.

-the younger slacker type: predominately in the streets of seattle, haven’t gotten over kurt cobain, usually ask for joints instead of change.

speaking of the younger slacker type bums who ask “could you spare a joint,” what the hell is wrong with them? these people are our age and perfectly capable of working. yet, they sit on the sidewalk and ask people if they can spare a joint. why yes, i’ve been working hard, making some money so i’m able to buy some weed and hand roll you a perfect joint, sir. glad i could help!

anyways, that’s enough on bums for today.

i can barely contain the eagerness coursing through my veins…i am so ready to tear this piece of news up like that guy in se7en with that hooker and the contraption belted onto his junk! (you know what i’m talking about.) according to this article over at cnn.com, rolandas milinavicius, owner of a car dealership in east point, georgia, snapped after two of his employees repeatedly asked for raises. instead of sitting them down and talking to them, though, he shot them both to death. honestly. couldn’t make stuff like this up.

so, what was the deciding factor in his violent backlashing:

“he told us that he was under a lot of stress,” east point police capt. russell popham said.

wow. way to get to the bottom of that one. apparently the “burden” of his rather assiduous lifestyle means that mr. milinavicius has the right, of course being the most important man on the planet, to end someone else’s life so they quit hassling him about the rather mundane aspects of receiving a raise. stupid bastard.

oh, and did i mention they were all lithuanian? makes a bit more sense, eh?

ciao.

how to spot an office zombie: to be honest most of us are probably zombies at our jobs. there are few exceptions really. if you are trying to climb the corporate ladder or if you are a total slacker and therefore reinventing your slacking each day. anyways let’s see if we can nail some down some things that define a zombie:

1. everyday, if not interrupted, they do the same exact thing. for instance, each morning getting to your desk, dropping your stuff, and going to get a vault when you are already fat and don’t need the calories.
2. putting on the headphones and staring at the same place on your blank screen.
3. talking in the same tone all the time. this might not be mono tone, in fact you are lucky if it is. usually it is some trumped up i-am-awesome tone.
4. fat
5. ugly

why it’s annoying: most office zombies aren’t that annoying. generally they will stay out of your way and do their own thing. however, on occasion you get one that has a routine of pissing you off. that can be bad because they don’t know how to break the routine until you help them.

what you can do help an office zombie’s routine: make sure first that they actually are an office zombie by checking the signs above. if they match up then let’s get started:

1. get into the office before they arrive and change specfic parts of their routine that annoy you most. for instance if they use the speakerphone turn the volume way down. depending on how deep they are into their routine this could prompt them to think about how such things affect those around them.
2. if that doesn’t work remove the element that you see as the most vital or that kick starts the routine when the office zombie arrives in the morning. an office zombie that i work in close proximity to gets a vault pop each morning. now if i buy all the vaults from the vending machine of our office then he is screwed. look i never said this was a free way to break the routine. do you want your freedom or not? sacrifice then!
3. on the off chance that they get around that remove the thing that keeps them going all day long. this could be a fan in their cube or maybe their music. just make sure that if you remove it you have a good hiding place for it. for if the zombie finds it in your cube they might be really pissed.
4. if none of these work then take a few sheets from confidential company reports of scrap paper and crumple them up to make a little reservoir of sorts. then go into the cleaning closest and get pour some flamable liquids into the reservoir. just enough that it will explode in about an 8′ radius, not too much now. then take the lighter of a smoking co-worker, run by the office zombie’s cube and light the office paper bomb and throw it at the zombie’s desk and yell “fire in the hole.” then clear out and hit the deck. as the office zombie’s desk is engulfed in flames they are sure to see your displeasure with their routine.

while, it’s good to let your other co-workers now about the office fire bomb ahead of time it is not neccesary. expect retaliation from the office zombie.

i have. i usually tune bums out. they say the same things over and over again. can you spare some change. god bless you. i am a disabled veteran. got any more. however, the other day a bum caught my attention by saying, “could you spare some change, and a blowjob?” somewhere, deep in his fully functional brain, he decided that he has an equal chance of getting change and getting a blowjob. does he realize the chance a clean cut, showered, normal person would have in randomly asking other guys for a blowjob? of course the bum is crazy, but can you imagine what is going through his head? i’m going to ask this guy to hop down on his knees and suck away. this dude definitely won’t care about all the grime, urine, or herpes he’ll have to lick.

i wonder what he’s going to ask me next. hey mister, could you spare some change, a little foreplay, and let me have sex with you? i’ll post an update next time i walk by gay bum.

thank you robby for inviting me to write about my seattle experiences through the eyes of a michiganian. to be completely honest, i am a bit intimidated about posting next to all these funny, enlightening, and well written posts. needless to say, i will do my best to write stuff that is at best remotely interesting and at worst a complete cluster fuck. until you find another northwest correspondent, i am, unfortunately, all you got.

while living here in seattle i will do my best to remain true to michigan and avoid becoming a hippy, vegan, hippy vegan, crack whore, bum and homosexual (although i am not against homosexuality, i don’t like attempts at converting me). did you know that seattle is the second gayest city in the us behind san fran? already there have been several attempts at converting me to the other side, but so far they are easy to see through (such as the “innocent” invite to the club slap and tickle).

until next time…

i just want to welcome mark to our ever-growing list of contributors here at midwestern gothic. mark is an old and dear friend who will be serving as our northwestern correspondent. this good ole boy was born and raised in michigan and now resides in seattle where he loves shopping for cheap hookers and playing american psycho-like games with them (check the link to see what i mean). don’t forget to check out his bio in the masthead here.

i look forward to what your magnanimous brain will be spitting out.