Midwestern Gothic

imagine the scene. it’s 11:55 am est. you have just gotten your favor beverage from the food court of your building and you are just walking up to the elevator bank. now remember your beverage is ice cold just the way you like to drink it and your lunch is waiting for you as well.

all you have to do is ride the elevator to the 26th floor. as you walk up to the bank you hit the “up” button and you see no one else around. you tap your foot as you wait for the next free chariot into the sky. finally you hear the friendly ding. as you walk into the elevator you see another person coming and he gives you the “please hold that door for me” look. what do you do? of course you step into the elevator and push and push the “close door” button.

sadly, the response to your incessant pushing yields no answer and the door stays open just long enough for the guy to get on. well it’s just you and him. you’re going to the 26th floor and he is going to the…then the worst thing in elevator history happens.

he hits a button for a floor that he doesn’t actually need to stop at. yeah he presses 8 and then quickly presses 5 as well. he laughs nervously and apologizes to you who is heading to the 26th floor and didn’t need another inadvertant stop.

so the question my dear friends is what do you do? how do you respond to his mis-push? here are my thoughts:

1. “that’s ok, mistakes happen”
2. “why would you do that? why are you such a sick, sich bastard?”
3. push him up against the elevator door and then as soon as it opens push him out onto the floor and say nothing
4. personal favorite: box the guy out from leaving on the 5th floor. literally keep him from the door with all your strength and then make him ride to the 26th floor with you, boxing him out on the way so he can’t stop at any floor in between.

okay, so perusing the funny or die website has brought to my attention this little beauty which stars jason biggs of american pie fame. i have nothing else to say except watch and fall head-over-heels. it’s got swearing, blood, swearing, and more swearing.

click for all the glitch-y love you can handle.

ciao.

this comes courtesy of jesse y. of florida.

* * * *

instruments of death on the table stare at me with a sadistic smile of what
is to come. i lay horizontal in the chair, the man in green hovering over
me. my heart is pounding so loud i am sure he gets off on the sound. be a
man i think and take what’s coming.

this will be a reoccurring column about which states matt and i generally dislike.

stay tuned for our first “official” installment next week. although, truth be told, we started the banter already with georgia this morning.

matt: check out his utter disdain!

rob: he lays into georgia here!

conclusion: georgia, for the most part, is a waste of time. and atlanta? really? that’s your only defense? you suck, “hot-lanta.”

count it:

it’s been difficult to watch the news or read a newspaper lately without hearing or reading a story covering the debate in congress regarding immigration reform. of course, that probably won’t happen anymore as the bill is now all but dead. regardless of the merits of the bill or its shortfalls (and it had both), i’m getting tired of people calling for reform simply because immigrants are “different.” just check out the following excerpt from this article:

a stay-at-home mother of two, Usrey has dreaded shopping at this particular branch ever since a Friday afternoon about five years ago, when she said she suddenly noticed she was the only non-latino customer.

“that was the first time i looked around and said, ‘man, i didn’t realize how many Mexicans there were here,’ ” Usrey, 39, recalled. “and they don’t seem to feel any discomfort when they’re, like, six inches from your face and talking to each other in their language, either. i just felt very encroached upon. . . . it was like an instant feeling of ‘i’m in the minority, and if we don’t get control over this, pretty soon all of America will be outnumbered.’ ”

the two senators from georgia who introduced the part of legislation to allow immigrants a path to citizenship, ultimately voted against the bill because georgia residents called to complain. they’ve effectively substituted their constituents’ emotions for objective analysis of legislation. which makes sense, since those are the people who voted them into office and will vote for or against them again in the future. but it doesn’t make it right.

this country was built by people from a number of different nations. those people helped make this country the most wealthy nation in the history of the world. who’s to say that tradition won’t continue? at the same time, those people, those immigrants, faced the same xenophobic attitudes that are prevalent today. perhaps it is just a matter of future generations assimilating in america, and future generations of americans becoming more tolerant of cultural diversity. in the end, this multi-cultural cohesiveness only serves to make this country stronger and we should ignore statements like the one above.

this piece of news bothers me a great deal. now, this young man was found guilty at 17 years of age (and is currently serving a ten-year-sentence) for engaging in consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old girl. (there is also another girl who claims to have been raped by said man at the very same party, but he was later acquitted.) now, i have major problems with this for a variety of reasons, but chiefly because of the use of one word: CONSENSUAL. i mean, he was a minor. she was a minor. they both said, “hey, this sounds fun, you wanna?” and so they did. how in the world does that make sense? oh yeah, this also happened in georgia. ah, makes a bit more sense.

regardless, what really ticks me off is this quote from the piece:

partly as a result of wilson’s conviction, state legislators changed the law to make such consensual conduct between minors a misdemeanor, rather than a felony. but that change wasn’t made retroactive, so it did not affect wilson.

okay, now can we please break this down? they changed the law to make such consensual conduct between minors a MISDEMEANOR…ha, what? so you’re saying, there is a law that exists that says if you are a minor, someone who is, by law, unable to apparently care for their own bodies and make any of their own decisions, that acting on said carnal, hormone-driven urges is ALSO against the law, in all cases? oh, wait, we’ll give em a break. it’s only a misdemeanor to get caught dryhumping in your ‘89 caprice classic.

argh! has the whole world gone crazy? i could understand if her parents were upset, but, as far as i know, boyfriend and girlfriends of ALL ages have been acting out said sexual acts since the dawn of boyfriends and girlfriends. a ten-year-sentence? this also annoys me because of our nation’s rather arithmetic approach to defining what an adult is. so, one day, the day before someone’s 18th birthday, anything they do with their, let’s say, 21-year-old boyfriend is illegal. but, at the stroke of midnight, any and all sex perversions are officially off the clock, so to speak? hmm…

yes, there needs to be laws. absolutely and how do you do. however, saying that in the great state of georgia it is illegal for two minors to engage in a sexual act…well, i just can’t wrap my mind around it. apparently, at least, the young man in question is NOT going to be added to the sex offender registry.

kudos to that.

perhaps i’m also upset because i truly don’t like georgia. and i believe the words inscribed on the georgia quarter say it all:

wisdom? justice? moderation? ha, haha! perhaps it should be: ignorance, injustice, and extremism.

a very disgruntled ciao.