people i hate, vol. 1
i felt at this juncture in our relationship (yours and mine, dear reader) i would present to you a few terms that are fairly prevalent among my friends and i. why? why not, i holler back. they are, in no particular order:
the chauncey - this is the guy at the bar (and if you don’t frequent bars, you’ll still be able to figure out who this is) who just plops on an oversized button-down, his hair parted haphazardly and shellacked with deb stylilng gel, a diamond stud shoved into an enflamed wound on his ear. he has this swagger about him that just screams jackass. he may not be the brightest, or the best-looking, but he makes up for it in bold moves and risky pickup lines — which, seemingly, always work. why ladies, why?! this guy can also wear the ::shutter:: socks with sandals and shorts look, blech. he doesn’t have much to say, and you can see this. he approaches the bar seen as a lion might, although far less-majestically, the women his game. he thinks he’s a hot mess, when in all actuality, he’s just a mess. he has no style, whatsoever, which as annoying as that may be, is even more perturbing because he thinks he has style. ugh, i say. chances are that this chauncey won’t travel alone, they usually don’t, and you will probably see him with other chauncies carousing the bar for “tail,” as they might put it, relentlessly hitting on some “babes” with an utter disdain for courtesy and good taste. chauncies can be found in many other situations as well, and can become murdocks if their other lackluster chauncy friends are absent from their side for a stupid minute. see below for example.
the murdock - this is the guy who decided that wearing cargo pants and bright white k-swiss tennies with a button down to the gym was acceptable. no, there was absolutely no time, whatsoever, to go home and change-that’s just ludicrous! they might also wear work boots. this guy is probably as blue-collar as you get, which is fine, but he reads style magazine and GQ and thinks he’s more knowledgeable than he actually is. he rolls up the sleeves of his favorite van halen tee shirt and stares at himself while doing twenty ones, growing ridiculously energized and boisterous with every new vein that pops out of his bicep. he looks around for encouragement constantly, as the rest of the gym-frequenters pretend that they are in deep thought and put a scowl on their face, or turn their music up a few notches, so this murdock won’t traipse over and start a conversation with them. murdocks love talking to themselves, and they grunt with every incline press so loud that it’s embarrassing for everyone except them, apparently. they hope beyond hope that they will meet a new friend at the gym, you see, and if you happen to walk in their parameter for even a minute, they will bore you to death with details from their “totally badass” spring break adventure from eight years ago where they “definitely got laid every night.” murdocks usually travel alone and only sometimes make the transition to becoming chauncies.