Midwestern Gothic

the gang enjoys a beautifully sunny day off from their jobs at the malibu sands beach resort when zack discovers a mysterious mole on his back that may or may not be cancer. will the gang desert their friend in his time of need? or will they go the distance to make sure zack is as comfortable as possible as he confronts this threat, even under the ever-watchful eye of mr. carosi?

WRITTEN BY MATT & ROB

EXT. MALIBU SANDS RESORT, BEACH - DAY

SLATER, KELLY and LISA are lying out on beach chairs, soaking up the sun. ZACK approaches, takes off his shirt, and lies down in an empty chair.

Zack - Hey guys. No work?

Slater - Nah. Carosi gave us the day off.

Zack - Wait, our Carosi?

Kelly - Well, Slater jumped in the pool this morning and tried to save some woman’s that he thought was drowning.

Zack - That doesn’t sound so bad.

Lisa - Yeah hunny, it would have been fine, but Slater kept shouting to get the woman help.

Zack - I don’t see what the problem is.

Slater - Let’s just say, preppy, that Mr. Carosi’s brother looks a lot like a woman from the back, if you know what I mean.

They laugh.

Kelly - Yeah, then Stacy came around and talked her father into giving us a day off.

Slater - Being overworked is such a tragedy, wouldn’t you say?

Slater and Kelly high-five.

Zack - Yeah, well, I gotta be at work in a few hours, but figured I’d get some rays in the meantime.

Kelly - You want some sun block, Zack?

Zack - Sun block? Kelly, please. I’m trying to welcome the sun into my life, not block it away.

Kelly - But Zack, isn’t that dangerous?

Zack - Nah, it’ll be fine. Besides, I’ve never used sun block and I’ve been fine so far.

Just then, SCREECH comes up to the group.

Screech - Hey guys, need anything from the café?

Lisa - Yeah, a new waiter?

Everyone laughs.

Screech - Well since everyone’s taking the day off, the wait staff has been overworked.

Slater - I’m sure you can handle a few extra tables, Screech.

Screech - Well, that’s what I thought. But then I accidentally gave Mrs. Parsons decaf coffee and Mr. Jameson regular coffee. Now she’s passed out in her food and he’s dancing jigs in the cafeteria.

Kelly - Mr. Jameson is 85 years. He can’t dance like that. It’s not good for his heart.

Screech - Well, tell him that.

Just then the sirens of an ambulance can be heard.

Zack - Well, while you’re here Screech, would you mind bringing me a cola?

Screech - Sure thing, diet or regular?

Zack - Do I look like I need to drink diet?

Screech - Well, let me see…hmmm (Screech looks over Zack’s body)…I don’t think…wait.

Zack - What is it?

Screech - Well, this mole, it looks, well, kind of odd.

Zack - Mole?

Screech - Yeah, on your back.

Slater - Whoa, preppy. He’s right.

Zack - Well, what does it look like?

Slater - I don’t know, but you might want to get it checked.

Zack - Nah, I’m sure it’s nothing. Now, my cola, please.

Screech - Ay ay, cap’n.

Screech runs away to the cafe.

Zack - Now, bring on the sun.

INT. MALIBU SANDS CAFE - LATER

Zack enters wearing his uniform, his skin noticeably red. STACY CAROSI approaches.

Stacy - Zack, you’re twenty minutes late.

Zack - Sorry, Stacy. I fell asleep outside.

Stacy notices Zack’s skin and gets a worried look on her face.

Stacy - Zack, are you okay?

Zack - Sure, why wouldn’t I be?

Stacy - Well, you’re pretty red.

Zack - Oh this? Nah, this is nothing. I always get one good burn in every year before I get nice and brown.

Stacy - Were you wearing sunblock?

Zack - Ha, no. Sun block’s for pansies.

Stacy - Actually, Zack, that’s not true. There have been a lot of studies about skin care and no matter who you are, you should be wearing some sort of protection.

Zack - Oh, relax Miss Carosi.

Stacy - I am relaxed, but I’m worried about you. How long have you been purposely burning for?

Zack - Twelve years.

Stacy - What? Zack, that’s just…just-

Zack - Sexy?

Stacy - No Zack, it’s not.

Zack - So what are you saying, you don’t find me attractive any more?

Zack moves close to Stacy and pets her cheek. Stacy blushes.

Stacy - You know that’s not true.

Zack - We still on for tonight.

Stacy - Yeah, yeah. Just promise me you’ll be careful?

Zack - I promise.

Stacy - Good. Now get in there. Mrs. Lerman’s been waiting for her, as she calls you, hunka hunka burning love.

Zack - Well, I mustn’t disappoint.

Zack winks at Stacy and goes back into the cafe.

INT. CABANA - NIGHT

Zack walks into the cabana that he shares with Slater and Screech.

Zack - Wow, what a long day this has been.

Screech - Tell me about it. I kept messing up orders and then I sat in some maple syrup. I think my pants are stuck to my body.

Zack - That’s, uh, too bad. Anyway, I’m beat.

Zack takes off his shirt to change.

Slater - Whoa, Zack, that mole, it’s…well…changed.

Zack - What do you mean?

Screech - Creepers, Zack, it’s gotten twice as big.

Zack - What?

Zack reaches around his back with his arm, feeling for the mole.

Zack - Is this it? Wow.

Slater - Zack you should seriously get that checked out.

Zack - Awe, come on guys, are you serious? It can’t be anything bad.

Slater - It could be cancerous.

Zack - No way. I’m only 17. I can’t get cancer.

Screech - Well, I don’t know, Zack. It’s looking pretty bad.

Zack - Look, if it will make you guys feel any better, I’ll stop by the doctor’s office tomorrow morning. You’ll see that this is nothing to worry about, ok?

Screech and Slater – Yeah, yeah.

CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - NEXT MORNING

Doctor - Basal cell carcinoma.

Zack - What?

Doctor - You have skin cancer.

Zack (looking at camera) - Huh, so I guess it’s worse than I thought.

INT. MALIBU SANDS LOBBY - LATER

Zack sneaks in, looking around and making sure the coast is clear. He sees JESSIE at the front desk and approaches.

Zack - Hey, Jessie.

Jessie - Zack! Where have you been? You never showed up for work this morning. Is everything okay?

Zack - Yeah, well…

Jessie - Out with it, Zack. We’ve been best friends since first grade. Tell me.

Zack - Fine, but please don’t say anything to the others.

Jessie - Wow, you seem really scared.

Zack - You know that mole on my back?

Jessie - The one Kelly and Lisa were talking about?

Zack - Jeeze, do you guys ever talk about anything else?

Jessie - Not really, no.

Zack - Yeah, well I got it checked out this morning.

Jessie - And?

Zack - And, well, it’s cancer.

Jessie (beginning to cry) - Oh my god!

Zack - Jessie, please. Don’t make a scene.

Jessie - But Zack, it’s cancer! You’re gonna die?

Zack - Wait, I am?

Jessie - Yes, you are.

Zack - How do you know?

Jessie - Well, it’s cancer. Everyone dies.

Zack (confused) - They do?

Jessie - Yup.

Jessie begins crying uncontrollably and Zack looks worried.

INT. MALIBU SANDS CAFE - LATER THAT DAY

The gang, including Stacy, are standing around talking. The dining room is a bit empty.

Stacy - So have you seen Zack today, guys?

Slater - Not since this morning. He had a doctor’s appointment this morning to get that mole checked out.

Stacy - He did?

Screech - That mole was so big it had a mole.

Lisa - You’re a mole.

Screech - Thanks!

Kelly - Guys, I’m really worried about him.

Just then, Zack rolls into the cafe in an electric wheelchair with a blanket covering his legs, a depressed look on his face, with a bottle of liquor in his lap.

Kelly - Zack, what’s going on?

Zack (drunk) - It’s all over.

Slater - What’s all over?

Zack - Me. I’m done for. (He slouches in the chair).

Screech reaches for the bottle of liquor.

Screech - What’s this…

Zack grabs it from him

Zack - Give me that!

Zack takes a huge swig from the bottle.

Lisa - Zack, are you drinking Apple Pucker?

Zack - Um…no.

Lisa - Yes, you are. What kind of pansy are you?

Zack (slurring) - Shut up, you. You’re…you are…all…the pansies.

Stacy - Zack, what’s wrong?

Zack - I don’t need this. I’m going out to the schmememememe…

Stacy - What?

Zack - I said…I’m going…to…the…OCEAN!

Zack spins in the chair and falls to the floor. Everyone stares as he struggles to get back in. He drives off.

Stacy - Somebody please tell me what’s going on.

Jessie - You guys, listen.

Everybody turns to Jessie.

Jessie - I saw Zack this morning and, well, he didn’t want me to say anything, but the doctor told him he has skin cancer.

All - What?

Kelly - Oh, this is just awful.

Stacy - I feel so terrible.

Kelly - My poor Zack.

Stacy - My poor Za—wait, what did you say?

Kelly - I said, poor Zack.

Stacy - No, you said, ‘my’ poor Zack.

Kelly - Stacy, what do you—

Stacy - What? Do you still have feelings for him or something?

Kelly - No, I just—

Stacy - Listen, Zack told me all about how you broke his heart, dumping him for that manager, Jeff. Which, by the way, is pretty creepy on his part, dating a 15 year old.

Kelly - Stacy, it’s just that Zack and I have a history and—

Stacy - That’s exactly right, Kelly. It’s history. So don’t ever make that mistake again.

Stacy is grabbing Kelly by the collar of her shirt.

Kelly - Stacy, I…uh…guys?

Slater - Ok, Stacy, cool it. We have more important things to do right now. Zack needs us.

Stacy lets Kelly go.

Stacy - Ok, you’re right. But she stays away from Zack. Got it?

Slater - Sure, sure.

Stacy - Anyway, what do you guys think we should do?

All - I dunno.

Stacy - Wait, you guys are always coming up with little plans and whatnot to get people back and everything.

Lisa - We are?

Stacy - Yes, you are. Zack was telling me about when you fought to win the school back from the oil tycoons when it was discovered there was oil in your football field.

Slater - Oh, that’s right.

Jessie - We did band together pretty well, back then.

Lisa - We sure did.

Stacy - Wait, so that actually happened?

Screech - Sure. Zack and I even rescued a duck named Becky.

Stacy - Becky? The duck?

Screech - Yeah, why.

Stacy - I would’ve picked a better name than Becky. Like Quackers or something.

Slater - I think I get what Stacy means. We need to show Zack that although he may not have much time left, he can still lead a good life. Anyone know how long people live with skin cancer?

Lisa - My mom’s friend Suzzannah was diagnosed with cancer and lived for six months.

Stacy - Wait, I’m still confused about the oil. How was there oil in your football field?

Slater - Stacy, we get it. You’re right, we need to rally together.

Kelly - I’d do anything to help Zack…er, I mean, only as friends. You know.

Stacy - Look, it’s impossible that there is oil. They would have found it when they were laying the foundation of your school. And it’s just ludicrous to assume it was sitting there undiscovered for that long and then you what, drilled a goal post into the ground and hit it? Don’t you usually have to drill down thousands of feet before you strike oil?

Everyone looks confused.

Jessie - Guys, we have to do something.

Slater - Yeah. C’mon Screech. You come with me to find Zack. You girls think of a plan.

Slater and Screech leave.

Stacy - Hello? Is anyone listening to me?

EXT. MALIBU SANDS, BEACH

Slater and Screech are searching the beach crowd for Zack and finally see his wheelchair parked amidst a group of people. They approach.

Slater - Hey Zack, how’s it…holy hell!

Slater looks around to the people surrounding Zack to see a middle-aged man, BRIAN, with down syndrome; a black midget named VICKIE; a man named BUDDY who’s missing most of his nose, leaving only a gaping hole; and a quadriplegic man nicknamed MILKY who’s wearing a speedo and drinking a margarita with the help of a very large straw.

Zack - What do you normies want?

Screech - Normies?

Brian - You not like us.

Vickie - Yeah, Zack’s one of us now.

Slater - Zack, what are they talking about?

Zack - Look. I’ve accepted my fate. These are my new friends. We’re all deformed in our own way. Buddy with his nose hole, Vickie being a midget, me with my…(he chokes up a bit)…hideous mole. We’re all alike, all of us. You…normies…well, you just don’t know what it’s like.

Brian - Leave me alone.

Slater - I’m not doing anything to you.

Brian - You so handsome. Nice to see you again.

Buddy - What Brian is trying to say is you can’t understand our pain. Zack does. He gets us better than anyone.

Milky - And he’s our new leader.

Slater - Leader?

Screech - Oh boy.

Zack - Listen guys, it’s been real. But those days are gone. The Zack you knew, the Zack you loved, he just doesn’t exist anymore.

Screech - But, Zack…

Zack - Please, it’s better if we just turn our backs on each other without saying another word.

Slater – So this is it?

Zack - There’s no point in going on like I was. These guys, they need me now.

Vicky - Zack, if these boys are bothering you, you know we got your back. (Vicky makes a fist and punches her opposite palm.)

Brian - Just say the word Mr. Zack.

Zack - No, no, it’s ok. They were just leaving. Weren’t you?

Slater - Hey, sure thing Zack. We don’t need this aggravation. C’mon Screech.

Screech - But…

Slater - C’mon Screech!

Screech starts to cry. He lowers his shoulders and turns to walk away with Slater.

Vicky - Yo, Zack, you got any pucker left?

INT. MALIBU SANDS RESORT LOBBY - SAME TIME

Jessie, Lisa, Kelly and Stacy are sitting in the lobby, thinking.

Jessie - Ok, what can we do to convince Zack not to give up on life?

Kelly - How about a cheer!

Stacy - Are you kidding me? Does she always do this?

Lisa - Yes.

Kelly - Lisa!

Lisa - What? What do you want me to say? (sarcastically) Actually, Kelly is a very intellectual and creative individual who usually thinks of the best course of action by which to tackle any problem. Should I say that?

Kelly - Well…

Stacy - Wow. Is this what Bayside is like?

Jessie - Stacy, don’t let them give you a bad impression. We’re not all like that. In fact, I have plans to head to your part of the country when I attend Columbia.

Lisa - Oh, come off it, Jessie. You know you’re going to end up at Brown.

Jessie - What did you say?

Kelly - You heard her. You’re going to Brown.

Jessie - Oh, the cheerleader wants to give her two cents. By the way, isn’t that what your dad earned last year?

Stacy - Um?

Kelly - You bitch! How could you?

Kelly lunges at Jessie. They start slapping each other. Just then MR. CAROSI walks in.

Carosi - Ladies. I don’t pay you to practice for American Gladiators. Now, everybody get to work.

Stacy - It’s ok, daddy. We’re thinking of ways to help Zack.

Carosi - Yes, I noticed he wasn’t at work this morning. When you see him, tell him he’s fired.

Stacy - But, daddy…

Carosi - No buts, Stacy. You’ve got to learn to be tough with people if you want to make it in this world. Don’t make me fire you. Now, get to work.

Carosi leaves the lobby.

Just then, Slater and Screech return.

Stacy - Slater, Screech, did you find Zack?

Screech starts crying.

Slater - Yeah, we found him alright.

Kelly - Well, where is he? Is he okay?

Slater - Well, in a manner of speaking. He’s got new friends, now.

Jessie - What do you mean?

Slater - A bunch of freaks named him king of their group.

Lisa - Freaks?

Slater - Yeah, you know. They got a retard and a guy with no nose—

Lisa - Gross..

Everyone shudders.

Slater - This whole skin cancer thing’s changed him. He just hates life.

Screech - Yeah, and I’ve never seen someone drink so much apple pucker in my life.

Stacy - Well, we have to do something.

Slater - We? That Buddy guy horrifies me. He’s missing his entire nose. There’s just a hole there.

Lisa - Guys, we can’t just let Zack die with those…those freaks.

Screech - If only there was some way to infiltrate their group. To get close to them so we could change Zack’s mind.

Slater - Seriously, you could see right into his skull. I’m going to have nightmares.

Kelly (sitting at a computer) - Hey, it says here that skin cancer is treatable.

She is ignored.

Lisa - Come on, Slater. You need to get over your fear of Bucky.

Slater - Buddy.

Lisa - Whatever. Just man-up and help your friend.

Slater - Well, what are you doing?

Kelly - If diagnosed early, skin cancer can be isolated and removed.

Lisa - Hey, I’m just here for encouragement. I just did my nails and I am not doing anything that might hurt them.

Slater - So I get to do all the work?

Jessie - Slater, you’re the strongest one. You’re the only one who can overpower that entire group.

Kelly - Is anyone listening to me?

Lisa - Yes, Kelly, rah rah rah. I think it might be working. Keep cheering!

Slater - So, I’m just supposed to go over there and start busting skulls?

Jessie - It seems like the only logical thing to do.

Lisa - Yeah, just knock them out, grab Zack, and get back here.

Slater - But, do I have to fight them? I mean one of them has Down’s syndrome. What if somebody sees me?

Lisa - Will you quit being a baby?

Kelly - I think we should probably just take Zack back to the doctor. See what he thinks.

Jessie - Yes, Kelly, computers are fun.

Stacy - Please, Slater. Help me get Zack back.

Slater - Geeze, I don’t know.

Screech - Come on, big guy. You can do it.

Slater - I guess, if there’s no other way.

Lisa - Just make sure you take them by surprise.

Screech - And watch out for Vicky. She’s a feisty one.

Everyone leaves, except Kelly.

Kelly - Hey guys, this doesn’t seem to be so bad after all. Guys?

EXT. MALIBU SANDS, BEACH

Zack and gang are still tanning. Many empty bottles of apple pucker litter the ground.

Brian sees Slater approach first.

Brian - Uh oh! Big boy come! Uh oh! Guys, big boy come now!

Vicky gets to her feet and Buddy flips over on his stomach. Zack has grown a substantial beard.

Zack - Slater, I told you to forget about me.

Slater - Can it, preppy. No can do. I’m here to…uh…(Slater sees Buddy)…Goddamn. You can see right in there.

Buddy snarls, Slater jumps back.

Zack - Easy, Buddy.

Vicky - You want us to hurt him?

Milky - Yeah, I may have nubs, but they pack a wallop.

Slater - Jesus…Seriously, Zack. Stacy wants to see you.

Zack - Why would she want anything to do with a hideous troll like me? I’m a goner, Slater! Done for!

Slater - I think you’re being a bit dramatic. You could have a few well planned out months to live, still.

Zack - Worthless. Besides, Vicky here already asked me to go steady.

Slater - Uh, steady?

Zack - Yeah. She felt like I’d need someone in my moment of need. She was kind enough to volunteer.

Slater, confused, looks at Vicky who is licking her lips while staring at Zack.

Brian - Kamikazee hair dresser!

Slater - Okay, this is getting weird. Zack, I beg you. Please come back to us.

Buddy - I think the man wants you to leave him alone.

Slater - Just be quiet…you.

Buddy - No one talks to Buddy Gustafson like that!

Brian stands, confused for a moment, and Slater takes the opportunity and pushes him over. Brian falls over on the others and during the commotion, Slater punches Zack, knocking him out, and steers the wheelchair away.

A passerby takes note of what just happened. He runs to a payphone. Slater keeps running with Zack.

Slater - Don’t worry, preppy, we’ll get you to a safe place.

He keeps running along the beach.

INT. CABANA - MOMENTS LATER

Slater comes bursting through the cabana door, pushing Zack in the wheelchair.

Screech - Slater, you got him!

Slater - Yeah, no time to talk right now. I think somebody might have seen me.

Screech - Zack? Zack?

Zack is unresponsive.

Screech (crying) - He’s dead! Oh, Zack, I’m going to miss you!

Slater slaps Screech.

Slater - Screech, will you pull yourself together? Zack’s fine. I just had to knock him out so I could get him away. Where is everybody else?

Screech - Carosi saw them sitting around and put them on probation. If he notices them not working just one more time, we’re all fired.

Slater - Didn’t anybody explain what was going on to him?

Screech - He doesn’t care. He says Zack’s getting fired no matter what so it’s pointless to make excuses for him.

Slater - Dammit! Well, where’s Lisa? She doesn’t work here.

Slater - After everyone else started working, she got bored. I think she went to the mall.

Slater - That lazy piece of sh—

Just then some police sirens can be heard.

Slater - Crap!

Screech - Hey, someone’s playing cops and robbers!

Slater - Dammit Screech, it’s not safe to stay here. C’mon! We have to get out of here.

Slater and Screech run out of the cabana with Zack in tow.

INT. CAFE - LATER

Stacy is walking around the dining room, checking on tables. Slater runs in.

Slater - Stacy!

Stacy - Slater, you better get to work. Dad’s on a rampage.

Slater - There’s no time for that. It’s Zack.

Stacy - What about him?

Slater - I’ve got him over at Lisa’s. He’s sleeping.

Stacy - That’s great. And he’s okay?

Slater - Well, um, I guess.

Stacy - And his gang?

Slater - Well, I took care of them, for a moment. And if the cops come, you haven’t seen me.

As Stacy is about to answer, Mr. Carosi runs in screaming.

Carosi - Stacy! Stacy! What is the commotion-Slater?! What are you doing here?

Slater – I’m uh…just trying to stay hydrated. You know.

Carosi - Well, I don’t pay you to stand around and look pretty, do I?

Slater - Actually, you do.

Stacy - Look, dad, Slater’s about to leave.

Stacy winks and Slater takes off.

Carosi - Well, I can’t very well make money with all those cops outside.

Stacy - What happened?

Carosi - Some dark haired mysterioso punched a man in a wheelchair and attacked a man with Down syndrome, then kidnapped the man he punched while the Down syndrome man fell on a midget, a man with no nose, and a quadriplegic.

Stacy - What?!

Carosi - I know, I can hardly believe it myself. I don’t know who let those…invalids on my beach, but they’re fired!

Stacy looks worried, Mr. Carosi laughs maniacally.

INT. LISA’S BUNGALOW - LATER

Lisa comes in with a bunch of bags just as Zack is waking up.

Lisa - Zack? What are you doing here?

Zack - Where…am…I? Vicky?

Lisa - No, Zack. It’s me, Lisa.

Zack - Where’s Brian? Where’s Buddy?

Lisa - Jesus. Zack, it’s me. Lisa. Ring a bell?

Zack - Yes, I know who you are Lisa. Jesus, it’s been what, 4 hours since I last saw you?

Lisa - Oh, I thought—

Zack - You thought what? That I’d gone mental or something. Jesus, get a clue.

Lisa - Listen, I’ve been through a lot today. I went to the GAP and I’m all like ‘I need a sweater, size small.’ And the girl at the desk is all, ‘have you looked through the sweaters?’ and I’m like, ‘yeah, geeze, who do you think I am, some blind girl?’ And she gives me this look and then says, ‘well, if it’s not on the floor, we don’t have it.’ And then I’m all like, ‘Don’t you have some sort of stock or somethin—

Zack - Jesus.

Zack turns his wheelchair to the door. He opens it just as Kelly is running up to the cabana.

Kelly - Zack!

Zack - Kelly? What’s up?

Kelly - Quick, I have to hide. Carosi has been chasing me for 2 miles, trying to get me to work a double shift. I never knew he could run like that. (she catches her breath). Anyway, Zack, I have some good news.

Zack - What is it?

Kelly - It’s about your cancer.

Zack - Yeah?

Lisa - I’m just like ‘Please, miss, take your hands off me and call your manager.’ And she just stares like I’m some annoying customer.

Kelly - What is she talking about?

Zack - Some shit about a sweater at the GAP.

Kelly - Oh, I love the GAP.

Zack - Yes, yes, I do, too. I’m sure we all do. Now what about my cancer?

Kelly - What? Oh, right. You’re not going to d—

Just then Carosi leaps from nowhere and tackles Kelly.

Zack - What the…

Carosi - Aha! I’ve got you Miss Kapowski.

Kelly - Mr. Carosi, you’re hurting me.

Carosi - I need you to get back to work this instant.

Kelly - I just need to tell Zack someth—

Carosi - Nonsense! As far as you’re concerned, Mr. Morris no longer works here or exists.

Zack - Mr. Carosi, I’m right here, can’t she just—

Carosi - Never! No one gets the better of Leon Carosi! (he puffs out his chest).

Carosi grabs Kelly by the wrists and leads her away.

Lisa - …and then she just tells me to check out the GAP at the other mall and I’m like “yeah, like I have the time to—

Zack throws his wheelchair at Lisa, knocking her to the ground as a couple of her teeth rattle on the floor.

Zack - Thank god. Now, I’ve got to find out what Kelly was going to say.

EXT. MALIBU SANDS BEACH CLUB - LATER

Zack is wheeling his way to the club as Vicky and gang approach, elated to have found him.

Vicky - Zack! Finally! We thought they had taken you!

Zack - Oh, hey Vicky. Brian. Buddy. Milky. (they all wave.)

Brian - Sometimes he laughs and I touch it. Touch it, Steven! (laughing)

Zack - Okay…

Vicky - I missed you so much, baby.

Vicky climbs in his wheelchair and starts groping him. Zack brushes himself off.

Vicky - What’s wrong? Is it something I said?

Zack - No, no, I just have a lot on my mind. Kelly was going to tell me something about my cancer and then Mr. Carosi took her away.

Milky - Want me to get em? I’ll get em for ya, if you want.

Buddy - We’d do anything for you, Zack.

Vicky - Yeah, and have you seen that curly-haired boy that punched you earlier?

Zack - Slater? No, why?

Vicky - He’s going to get his. I promise you that.

Zack - Look, if you guys really want to help me, go find Kelly. I need to talk to her.

Vicky - Anything, Zacky-poo.

Zack wheels off, leaving the group standing.

Milky - So what do you suggest, Vick?

Vicky - No one hurts our leader. We need to find this girl, then find Carosi and take care of him.

Buddy - You think Zack would want that?

Vicky - I think it’s in our best interest, and our best interest is in Zack’s best interest. Got it?

Brian - Captain says stop!

All laugh.

EXT. BEACH

Carosi is still dragging Kelly. He takes her all the way up to her lifeguard post.

Carosi - There. You work and be happy.

Kelly - I think you broke my wrist.

Carosi - You know what cures broken wrists?

Kelly - Medical attention?

Carosi - No! Work! Hahahahahahahaha.

Carosi skips away.

Kelly - Harumph.

Just then she hears a whisper.

Vicky - Pssss.

Kelly - Who’s there?

Vicky comes out from behind the stand.

Kelly - Can I help you?

Vicky - Zack sent me.

Kelly - Zack?

Vicky - That’s what I said. Geeze.

Kelly - What’s up?

Vicky - You have to come with me. He wants to see you.

Kelly - I wish I could. But Carosi will probably kill me. He already broke my wrist.

Vicky - Let me see that.

Kelly holds out her wrist.

Vicky - Hmm. No, it’s just sprained a bit.

Kelly - How do you know?

Vicky - Maybe because I’m a doctor.

Vicky holds out her card.

Kelly - Hmmm. Dr. Vicky Grant. Hey, do you know anything about skin cancer?

Vicky - I know enough not to get it.

Kelly - But would you know if it could be treated?

Vicky - I might be able to tell. Why?

Kelly - Come on. We have to get Zack.

Vicky - What about the fat man?

Kelly - Screw him.

Kelly and Vicky take off running along the beach.

INT. CAFETERIA - SAME TIME

Carosi is sitting at a table reading the paper. Just then he looks up.

Carosi - What?

He looks perplexed.

Carosi - I sense somebody is not working! That does it!

He gets up and runs out of the cafeteria.

EXT. MALIBU SANDS - MOMENTS LATER

Carosi is looking around, trying desperately to find who it is not working. Suddenly, he is stopped by Buddy. Carosi recoils in horror.

Carosi - What in holy hell…

Buddy - Hi, I’m buddy. Will you play with me?

Carosi - No. In fact, I have a good mine to evict you from my property…Christ, you can see right in there, can’t you?

Buddy - These are my friends, Brian and Milky.

Carosi - Listen, I don’t have time for this nonsense.

Milky - We think you do. Get him, Brian!

Brian reaches out and grabs Carosi. Buddy reaches up a handkerchief to Carosi’s face until he passes out. The three leave quickly.

INT. MALIBU SANDS, RECEPTION - LATER

Jessie is talking on the phone and hangs up. Slater approaches wearing sunglasses and a trench coat.

Jessie - Slater? Is that you?

Slater - Of course it’s me. Jesus.

Jessie - Why are you wearing a disguise?

Slater - I had a little run in with…well, just nevermind about that. Have you seen Zack?

Jessie - No, I haven’t.

Slater - What about Mr. Carosi?

Jessie - I saw him storm outta here a while ago. Not since.

Stacy walks up.

Stacy - Jessie, have you seen my father?

Jessie - Nope.

Stacy - Wait, is that you, Slater?

Slater - Uh, yeah. But don’t use my name too loud.

Stacy - You didn’t tell me that you beat up a retard. Why would you do that?

Jessie - You did what? Is that why the cops were in here asking questions?

Slater - Look, I didn’t beat any retard up. I knocked Zack out to get him back.

Jessie - But he’s missing again. So good job.

Slater - And I only pushed the guy with Down syndrome. In fact, none of those other guys are retarded. They’re just…different.

Stacy - Well, now Zack and my father are missing.

Screech and Lisa come running up.

Lisa - Guys! You won’t believe this.

Stacy - What is it? Have you seen Zack or my father?

Lisa - The Gap accidentally didn’t charge me for a sweater earlier!

All - Mmm, the Gap.

Screech - But seriously, guys. Someone said they just saw Mr. Carosi being dragged into that old storage shed on the other side of the resort.

Stacy - What? And Zack?

Screech - Well, someone reported the smell of apple pucker coming from the same place.

Jessie - What are we waiting for? We have to go get him!

Lisa - Yeah, and now Kelly is missing too. Have you seen her?

Stacy - What did you say?

Lisa - Kelly. She’s missing.

Stacy - Aha! I knew it!

Slater - Knew what?

Stacy - Kelly. This is all her doing. She’s so jealous of Zack’s love for me that she kidnapped him, and my father, and now she plans on killing both of them and chopping their bodies up so no one will ever find them. Isn’t it obvious?

Slater - That sounds…well, not right.

Stacy - No, it is. Trust me. Jessie, put those phones on autopilot. Screech, lock the kitchen. Everyone else, come with me.

EXT. STORAGE SHED - MOMENTS LATER

Slater, Lisa and Stacy approach the shed. Jessie and Screech are following just a bit behind.

Jessie - Ok, Slater. Do your thing.

Slater - My thing?

Jessie - Yeah, you know your thing. When you break things down.

Slater - Is that all I am to you?

Jessie - Christ, I don’t have time for this right now.

Jessie runs at the door and jump-kicks it down. They all look inside.

INT. STORAGE SHED - SAME TIME

Milky, Brian and Buddy are sitting around Carosi who is tied to a chair. The three are passing around a bottle of apple pucker.

Slater - What’s going on here?

Buddy - Well, well, well. If it isn’t Curly McCurl.

Slater - Oh shit.

Buddy takes off after Slater. The two run away.

Stacy - Daddy? What have you guys done?

Brian - I like the green drink. Mmmm.

Stacy - Get out of here. I’m taking my dad.

She enters the shed.

Kelly (O.S.) - Hey, guys!

Kelly and Vicky come running up to the shed.

Jessie - Hey, Kelly. Who’s your friend?

Kelly - No time to discuss. Where’s Zack.

Stacy - You stay the hell away from Zack, you hear me, bitch?

Kelly - Stacy, seriously. This has nothing to do with my feelings for Zack.

Stacy - So, you admit you have feelings. I knew it. Now you’re gonna pay.

Stacy lunges at Kelly. The two begin wrestling on the ground.

Screech - Hey, there he is.

Zack comes wheeling up to the group.

Zack - What’s going on?

Screech - Stacy and Kelly are wrestling over you.

Zack - Interesting. I have to admit. I don’t really know whom to root for. I mean sure, Kelly dumped me, but we had some good times. And Stacy, hell we all know how that will end once summer is over. I can’t do long distance. Something about no sex. It’s…it’s not me.

Jessie - Zack, we’ve been looking for you all day. Just because you have skin cancer doesn’t mean you have to stop being you.

Vicky - Yeah, sugar. What’s all this talk about skin cancer? Don’t you know that’s treatable?

Zack - What?

Kelly - That’s…(she gets punched by Stacy)…what I’ve…(she punches Stacy)…been trying…(she gets punched by Stacy)…to say.

Lisa - Kelly, we get it. You love to cheer.

Zack - You mean, I can be cured?

Vicky - Of course. Now let me see that mole.

Zack pulls his shirt down and Vicky puts on some glasses.

Zack - Well, Vick? What do you think?

Vicky - Oh, that’s nothing. You’ll be fine.

Zack cheers to himself while Vicky mouths “He’s going to die” to the others.

Jessie - Say, Zack. Do you wanna go check on Slater for us?

Vicky - Uh, yeah, that’s right. Ol’ Buddy’s probably scaring him half to death right about now.

Zack - Sure!

Gleefully Zack wheels away. Vicky turns to face the others.

Jessie - So, what’s wrong?

Lisa - Yeah hunny, spit it out.

Vicky - That’s the worst bout of skin cancer I’ve ever seen. How long has he been tanning?

Brian - Big boy bike!

Vicky - Not now, Brian.

Screech - Gee, Zack’s been tanning for as long as I’ve known him. Second grade!

Vicky - Yikes! Okay, guys. By my calculations, Zack really does have like ten, maybe fifteen minutes before he dies.

Kelly and Stacy stop fighting.

Kelly - What?

Stacy - My Zacky…?

Vicky - I’m sorry, gang. I know it’s a sharp blow. But it’s true. Absolutely true. I say, we go make sure the last few minutes of his life are comfortable.

Screech starts crying. Stacy and Kelly hug. Jessie and Lisa give a knowing nod. They all exit leaving Vicky, Brian, and Milky behind. Carosi finally spits out his gag.

Carosi - This is all so touching…now will you untie me! You’re all fired!

Vicky calmly moves to the door and shuts it.

Vicky - Now, I don’t think you’re in a position to demand anything.

Carosi - Wha…what are you talking about?

Vicky - I know the others wanted you to live, but you were rough with my man. You fired him fifteen times today alone.

Carosi - He deserved it.

Vicky nods to Brian who pulls out a large knife and places it in Milky’s mouth. Milky climbs onto Carosi’s lap and stares. Brian then pulls out a switchblade from his pocket.

Brian - Shiny metal!

Vicky - That’s right, Brian. It is shiny metal. And do you know what shiny metal does to Mr. Carosi’s skin?

Carosi - You got it all wrong! I love Zack! He’s a model employee!

Vicky - Too late, Carosi. Too late indeed.

Carosi screams as the three jump him.

EXT. BEACH - SAME TIME

Zack wheels up to Slater who is slamming a large rock onto Buddy’s head. Buddy is dead and blood is everywhere.

Zack - Slater! What are you doing?

Slater - Oh, hey preppy. (putting the rock down and getting up) Just taking care of a few things. You know.

Zack - Is he…dead?

Slater - Yeah, he is.

Zack - Nice.

Slater wipes his hands.

Slater - Why are you so chipper?

Zack - I just found out that my skin cancer can be treated! I’m going to live, Slater!

Slater runs up to Zack and they hug. Everyone else joins and Stacy and Zack kiss.

Zack - What was that for?

Stacy (tearing up) - For being…for being you.

Screech breaks down. Jessie pulls Slater in and gives him the news. Slater hugs Zack again.

Zack (giggling) - Guys, don’t worry. I’m going to live forever and be happy. You guys are the best!

They all start crying.

Kelly - I’ve always loved you, Zack.

Kelly, nervous, looks to Stacy who, for a moment, disapproves, finally nodding her head yes.

Stacy - It’s okay, Kelly. It’ll only feel like an eternity!

They all laugh then embrace Zack. After a few moments, Zack turns to the camera.

Zack - We’ve had a lot of laughs today, haven’t we? Well, cancer is no laughing matter, folks. What I did was wrong. You should get checked out all the time. And please, always use sunblock. Oh, and killing retards and punching people with Down syndrome is just not a good idea unless you want to go to jail for a while. Yes, retards have feelings and you will be prosecuted by the long arm of the law. Please, let’s all embrace retards as part of society. Okay, guys? So to repeat: use sunblock and please don’t kick or punch retards.

END.