Midwestern Gothic

As I take up my new role here at MG, I hope to be able to shed some light on particular social situations that we each face at one point or another. I want to look at each situation from the perspective of each player involved, hopefully clearing up the misconceptions that we all form in our mind.

Today’s social situation is not well known burping or rather burping in front of people that you just met or may not know very well.

The Burper
You are half way through a tasty club sandwich and large fizzy soda from the deli that you are dining at with a new co-worker. It was your job to take him out for lunch today. All the regular small talk has been played. And there is a bit of silence, lucky for you as you expunge a small silent burp (you know the kind where just your neck and mouth move a bit) as your new co-worker takes a bite of his broccoli cheese soup.

So you start to talk about the office politics and as you are mid-sentence you realize here it comes again, another little burp. You try to hold it back, but it bubbles up and finally you semi-choke-burp-make-a-small-noise and excuse yourself. Your co-worker takes it in stride and the moment passes. Wow, you feel really stupid, but by the late afternoon all is forgotten.

The Burp Receiver(s)
So far this lunch is going good. You’re not paying so it almost couldn’t get any better. This new co-worker of yours has some good information about the company. You appreciate all the things he is telling you and all that he has to offer. Mmmm…this sandwich is good. Wait…did your co-worker just ralph a little in his mouth. Just keep your head down then he will think that you didn’t hear him. Take another spoonful of your broccoli cheese soup.

Ah, yes now we are getting to the good stuff. Tell me more about the office politics. Really, he micro manages you? I would have never guessed. Hold the phone is this guy about to ralph again? I can’t believe this is happening. Remember, act like it is no big deal. Oh, wow what was that? Did he just choke or did he burp? I thought his whole club sandwich was going to shoot out of his mouth and hit me in the face. Disgusting. I will never forget this moment.

Social Analysis
See how the two situations were perceived differently. That is because we are all unique and we can do anything we put our minds to. And if you believe that happy go lucky horseshit I have ton of stuff to sell you for “rock bottom” prices all react to things differently.

Here are some things that The Burper could have done differently:
- Excused himself
- Fart and then say “Now burping isn’t that bad is it?”
- Belch as loud as he can and hope for a good laugh
- Throw up a little on the table

Here are some ways The Burp Receiver could make the burper and himself feel less (or more depending on your view) awkward:
- Burped along with The Burper
- Punched The Burper in the face
- Patted The Burper on the back and say “It’s ok. Just get it all out.”
- Leave the table immediately and moon The Burper on his way out of the restaurant

In every office there are essentially two types of people. I will label them here as neat and chaotic. There is a great debate raging in offices across America and the rest of the world, oh wait they are too productive to waste time like this about which type is more productive. However, that topic is for another day.

What I would like to touch on today stems from that topic and that is Cube Cleanliness. In some offices it is a bigger deal than others, but in all it plays some sort of roll.

I know at my specific office there are rules in place to make sure that people keep their cubes clean and professional. However one person in particular insists and maintaining a dorm like atmosphere in his cube.

The problem is this bastard just doesn’t get it. He isn’t moving up with a cube that looks like the one above. He needs to clean out his stuff and rid himself of the terrible smell of rotten garbage before people will take him seriously. How can he get a promotion with fruit flies hovering around him and last month’s issue of playboy at the top of his open drawer?

He can’t. And if he doesn’t want to then he is on the road to self-defined success.

File this one in the Jack is anal-retentive why can’t people just do the courteous action department.

We have a hallway at work that is just wide enough for two thin people to walk by each other. In that hall way on one side are supply cabinets. On the other side is a wall. My co-workers, in all their infinite wisdom, continue to pilfer supplies for home use take items and leave the doors ajar.

Now even if I could get by with the doors open it would still bother me, however when the doors are open you have to close them to pass by comfortably. Not to mention that it looks sloppy to any clients we have in our building.

So why can’t these ingrates close the doors when they are done?

“I was just too lazy. Sorry Jack it won’t happen again.”

That was what one idiot co-worker told me as I had him pushed up against the lunch room wall with a piece of hot pocket hanging out of his mouth. As I shoved him down into his seat one of the executives, standing in the doorway to the lunch room, told me that he was going to have to write up my behavior and submit it to HR.

As I punched him out on my way out of the room I yelled “The price is wrong bitch.”

Wait maybe that last part was a wonderful day dream I just had in my cube. I can’t remember….I keep sliding in and out of consciousness.

As many men know there is a certain set of unwritten rules that you obey as you enter and use a bathroom. It is something that every man can atest to and surely understands…or do they?

If you are a bit rusty on your Men’s Bathroom Etiquette (or are a woman wanting to understand how we return so fast from the bathroom) then video below should serve as a quality refresher course. It is about 9 minutes 30 seconds, but well worth it in order to preserve the fabric of our society.

It has been a while since my last That Co-Worker column and I apologize to all three of my regular readers for the delay. If you must know, you nosy bastards I myself have quite an intimate knowledge of our subject in the column below because I have been one up until a couple of weeks ago.

How to spot a person looking for a new job: The first thing to keep in mind while trying to spot one of these turncoats is they most likely hate their current job. With that in mind, keep an eye out for the person that looks the most sick of being at work each day. Anyways, let’s look at some of the other way you can spot people that are trying to get out of day jail. Make sure they don’t just have a case wednesday lag repeatedly occuring on each day of the week.

1. A general disposition of unhappiness.
2. Cyncisim towards everything big brother the company is trying to accomplish.
3. A sarcastic attitude towards moving the company forward towards it’s ridiculous goals while getting no rewards for doing so.
4. Skilled in the arts of alt+tab.
5. Careerbuilder.com hidden behind the folder directory they are “working in” as you walk up to ask them a question.
6. Repeated mumbling under their breath as they walk around the office.
7. They answer their cell phone as they walk away from their desk.
8. Drinking an ice cold beer at their desk while they belch and keep asking rhetorically “What are they going to do, fire me?” and then laughing manically.

Why it’s annoying: These people can be annoying because if you are their co-worker you have to take on most of their responsibilities because they can not be trusted to meet deadlines. You also have to deal with and find work arounds for all of the items listed in how to spot them. However, if you are the person finding a new job this can be annoying because you constantly have to sneak around. At the same time it can be comforting because you don’t care what happens to your job. In fact if you were like me you wish they would fire you just so you wouldn’t have to drag yourself into work each day.

What you can do to stop a person looking for a job: Long and short answer is that if a person is determined enough you won’t be able to stop them, but you can do some fun things to mess with them.

1. Hide their cell phone. Just make sure they can hear it and eventually find it, but can’t get to it fast enough to answer it and walk away.
2. Continually walk up to them when you suspect they might be looking for new jobs. Just ask them if they like your new skirt about a project you are both working on.
3. Put fake company propaganda in their mailbox letting them know that they can’t use the internet or anything else for job searching on company time.
4. Leave threatening notes on their desktop saying that you know they are looking for a new job and that you are going to tell their manager. In fact use magazines like they do in the movies to cut out the actual letters and then piece the words together that way.
5. Walk over to their desk and yell “Why do you have Careerbuilder.com open Joe?” Run after this because they will probably try to strangle you.
6. Finally, if you are their boss and you suspect such behavior call them into your office or a conference room (the conference room is if you are a suck enough to be managing people, but didn’t demand an office with a door). Once they come in ask them to shut the door. Tell them to keep their job they have to fight you in a “cage match”, which is to happen right now (sorry about your new dress pants and fancy silk tie) in order to keep their job. Tell them the person to survive gets the office and both salaries.

n. The place where you spend every single day of your worthless life. You hate it so much that if feels like a jail cell until you leave it at the end of the day. Usually used in relation to your job and the monotonous feeling that you are in jail every day and don’t have a chance to get out until the 5:00 hour.

Jack: I really hate my job man.
Matt, Jacksontown Mayor: It can’t be that bad.
Jack: It is ok, bro, why don’t you back off. It’s not like we can all have jobs we love, hot women, fast cars, and piles of cash.
Matt, Jacksontown Mayor: Yeah I know, but it sounds like you are in day jail by the way you talk about it.