Midwestern Gothic

whew. that was a close one, guys!

owen wilson fans can take a deep breath today and sing a song of praise. the 38-year-old actor is indeed in stable condition and resting comfortably, surrounded by family and friends. finally, amid the swirling rumors of the press, we now know a bit more about what happened at mr. wilson’s house on sunday as police and paramedics responded to his attempted to suicide.

all i have to say is, why would you do this to us, owen? you’re a gem, a rare treat amid the pool of talented actors working today. don’t you know this? what you lack in charisma, chiseled features, and genuine thespian ability, you make up for with your nasally, whiny rants, your medium height, and your shaggy, often-unkempt golden-hued locks. you’re the one directors turn to when they need someone to complain about something or to add a bit of humor to an otherwise unfunny film. whether it be a lack of communication between yourself and your lovable sidekick jackie chan and the fact that you just don’t understand his punching and kicking routines and comically try to ape them yourself, to moving in with matt dillon and kate hudson and setting the house in fire, only to respond with a side-splitting quip. don’t you know who you are, man?!

i think, first and foremost, owen, and i say this as not only a fan, but as a caring, and concerned adopted brother might (that’s how i see myself), that the blatant disregard for your own (super)human life has affected us most of all. who would they get to replace in the new shanghai noon sequel? your brother luke? ha, we all know who got the acting chops in this family. and it ain’t him.

well, this cnn article has finally gotten to the bottom of this terrible national tragedy. evidently, and whooda thunk it, stars are people too! they even suffer from depression, as owen wilson has secretly been battling. poor, poor guy. i mean, in all seriousness, he does have a lot to be depressed about. multi-million dollar home and a plethora of cars. dating beautiful women. starring and sometimes writing hit after hollywood hit. it’s too much to bear, truly.

and will this little “bump in the road” affect his career going forward, as lindsay lohan’s drug problems and brittany spears’…well, her problems have spiraled the once-shining celebs into a black hole of fruitless efforts, cocaine, and binge-everything-ing? professor s. mark young, a professor of entertainment business at the University of Southern California, had this to say:

“people have known for a long time that lindsay is a drug addict,” he said. “owen wilson is a little more difficult to understand. … if it comes out that he’s heartbroken, that’s a sympathy thing.”

yes, yes it is. and i swear to god, if i find out who hurt my golden romeo…well, there will be hell to pay.

i urge all owen wilson fans (and really, is there anyone out there that isn’t an owen wilson fan?) to unite and to spread your love for him in any way possible. the wilson brothers fansite has some fantastic owen wilson memorabilia on sale and even has pictures of him as a youngster! ::aww::

please, send flowers, candy, inspirational words, whatever. we need to get the message across: owen wilson is what makes america great. without him, what are we left with?

nothing, dear readers. absolutely nothing.

ciao.