Midwestern Gothic

There are no words that can do this justice.

I’m speechless. I love working in advertising, and I hope that commercial was real and not a joke.

I’m no fisherman, but this seems pretty handy. Disgusting, but handy. But come on, if you’re smart enough to come up with something that makes de-boning fish a snap, you’ve got to come up with a better name than that.

And whatever copywriter wrote this, thank god for you. I imagine it was someone who got the assignment to write this TV spot and thought “That’s the name? Really? This must be a joke.” Upon realizing he was, in fact, going to get paid to sell this modern day mousetrap, he decided to work in all the sexual innuendo he could.

“My wife would like one of those!”

I bet she would, skippy. I bet she would. I also imagine the client loved this, which would only spawn more laughter at the Wunder Boner’s expense back at the agency.

And double points for the red neck with the handlebar mustachio. Nice work.

They don’t get much better than this.

Chalk this one up as just plain dumb. And annoying. Dumb and annoying.

Detroit criminal defense lawyer James Howarth, described as a “veteran” of law, whatever that means, is very upset about a recent dispute with the IRS. Apparently, he received a letter from the Internal Revenue Service stating he owed them money and, if not paid promptly, would accumulate interest and/or penalties.

Yikes! Bad news, unless what you owe is actually five cents! Yes, he owes them a nickel.

Now, for most of us, as ridiculous as the amount is, we’d just write a check, mail it out, and be done with it. I mean, after all, it’s a stupid nickel. Right? Not James! He’s upset about it because:

As he figures it, there is the 5 cents plus the cost of a check — payment must be made by check or money order. Then there is his CPA’s fee, an envelope, his secretary’s time, his own time and a 42-cent stamp.

And, by his calculations, the costs are several hundred times over what he actually owes.

I don’t really even know what to say. First of all, I’m a bit shocked someone wrote an article about this, and second, PAY THE STUPID NICKEL AND QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!! It’s really, really simple. I have a feeling, being a veteran of the law, you’ve managed to save up some money, but if you really need help, I’ll give you the nickel, provide the envelope, and lick the stamp if you promise to quit wasting everyone’s time.

But don’t worry, folks. Like a real Hollywood thriller, things take an interesting turn from here.

James actually received a second letter shortly after the first, presumably while he was sulking/mediating on the nickel fiasco, telling him there was an error and that he was supposed to receive a four cent refund, which he has to pick up himself. So clearly the IRS is either playing a joke, or is bored as well, but at any rate, again, this should be the point in time when most people, sane people, rip up the envelope and go about their lives. Who cares about four cents?

James does! His main argument:

“When I owe them a nickel, I must pay them,” he said. “It’s not optional. But when they owe me, I have to ask for it.”

Yes, that’s right. And I have a feeling if they owed you $1000, you wouldn’t be complaining. You’d be in your car at the IRS within the hour. I’m sure you could argue the principle of the matter until you’re blue in the face, but you could do that about anything. I hate taking the trash out, but it needs to get done. A McDonald’s Fish-wich is disgusting, yet people order them during Lent all the time. They want you to pick up a nickel, so either go pick it up or forget about it. If your argument is how unfair this all is, I think you are wasting everyone’s time.

And, just to prove he has a sense of humor, or maybe he actually means it, who knows, James goes on to say:

“I might apply for a bailout […]”

Reading this article has made me realize two things: 1.) I would never hire this guy to be my attorney…EVER, and 2.) The IRS never quits, not even for chump change.

Check out the article here.

Ciao.

…there’s nothing worse than having almost two weeks off from not only work, but life as you know it, only to be shoved back in the afterbirth that is Nine-to-Five-opolis. Now, I love my job, I do, but what I don’t love is waking up before noon, driving through traffic, and sitting at my desk without having been able to watch a double dose of Saved by the Bell or Murphy Brown. It’s how I start my day! (Just for the record, for all you nitpickers, I watch my eppies online. I’ll be buggered if I get up at 6AM to watch television. Blech!)

And, I think now’s a good time to bring up the fact that every time I stare into Renny Harlin’s mug, my soul cries out and shrivels up a bit…actually, quite a bit.

Damn you!

Anyway, assuming Mr. Harlin and his cronies stay away from me and MG for an extended period of time, regular posting should resume shortly.

Ciao.

…tell them you’re doing your part to become a renewable energy source. We all know about various forms of biofuels, from ethanol to fast food grease. But a doctor from Beverly Hills may have discovered the single greatest source of renewable energy: fat people.

This guy saved the fat from his liposuction patients and used it to power both his own SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. The doctor himself had this to say:

“The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel-and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

Unfortuately, it’s illegal in California to use human waste to power vehicles. And I thought that state was supposed to be at the forefront of investment in alternative energy. They’re sitting on a goldmine. And worse, they’re trying to prosecute this guy for turning his patients’ fat into exhaust. Please. This guy is an entrepreneur. He should be on the covers of magazines. This is exactly the type of industrious, creative behavior that this country needs to encourage, not prohibit. It’s a win for everyone.

So, if you really care about renewable energy, do the world a favor: eat. Feel free to enjoy the fattiest foods around. Before long, people will be paying you to take your fat. Is this a great time to be alive or what?

Those of us from MG would like to wish you, dear readers, a fantastic Holiday Season. We’ll be closing our offices for a few days so we can spend time playing a lot of Super NES and drinking Christmas-themed variety six-packs, but rest-assured, we will be back in the New Year ready to pander to you and your insatiable lust for the truth.

It’s clear that, although the name of this website is Midwestern Gothic, we tend to stray away from limiting ourselves to news or other bits of writing about the actual Midwest. But something big is of course happening in the Midwest right now and, for some reason, we have failed to add our two cents. I’m talking about the arrest of Illionois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Our silence must be broken. (Note: I particularly blame Jef for this since (1) he never ever posts on this site and (2) he lives in Illinois. Get with the program.)

Anyway, this little issue in Illinois has been covered to death. Blagojevich tried to sell a Senate seat, got caught and was arrested…blah blah blah. More interesting news has been released today that President-elect Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel might have been somewhat involved. This doesn’t exactly bode well for the incoming president who, among many things, promised to change things in government. This doesn’t sound like change at all.

But I don’t really care if Emmanuel was involved either. The main problem here is Illinois state law that gives the governor the power to appoint a new Senator to a recently vacated seat. What do people think is going to happen? The incentive to use that power for personal gain is way too great. With that kind of power any politician is likely to entertain offers in exchange for his or her support. Maybe not every politician would act on that incentive, but I’m sure offers would be made.

Here’s a novel idea: let the people of Illinois elect a new Senator. They elected Obama and he left. Now they should be able to elect his replacement. I thought that was the whole point of representative democracy. I may be more cynical than the average American and I generally think most politicians are worthless human beings, but I still think we should be able to trust them not to abuse their power to some extent. But we probably shouldn’t allow them to appoint other politicians to what should be elected office. That’s just dumb.

Of course, as I’ve recently stated, I don’t really trust voting either. There are too many idiots out there exercising their right to elect lawmakers. So, in the spirit of pitting candidates against retired sitcom characters, I offer the following as possible Illinois electors. One of these groups of characters should be responsible for determining the most qualified candidate for public office out of the Land of Lincoln:

In my mind, the clear winner here is the Winslows. There are more of them. The candidates would really have to show what they’re made of in order to win that election. They’d have to beat Carl in shooting criminals, beat Laura in cheerleading, beat Eddie in whatever Eddie used to do, beat Mrs. Winslow in being sassy and beat Urkel in being annoying. Since they’re politicians, that last one is a freebie. Regardless, Larry and Balki are pushovers and the Bundys, well they’d just fight with each other rather than do their job of vetting the candidates. So, the Winslows it is. Know hope, Illinois. Know hope.