Midwestern Gothic

Don’t get me wrong, I like pirates. There’s something romantic about their smarmy and swashbuckling ways. I mean hell, look how much the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise has grossed thus far - like a billion dollars! And seriously, every boy in the world at some point dreams of sailing his own ship towards troubled waters and defeating his evil arch-nemesis while looting and plundering and wearing his sister’s mascara…er…was that just me?

Regardless, we grow up and realize that this is no longer the eighteenth century. That we are, in fact, quite civilized in the twenty-first century. But then this article comes along and just confuses the hell outta me:

Over the weekend, gunmen aboard two skiffs hijacked the Panamanian-flagged Golden Nori off the Socotra archipelago near the Horn of Africa, said Andrew Mwangura, a spokesman for the Kenyan-based Seafarers’ Assistance Program.

The guided-missile destroyer USS Arleigh Burke has been pursuing the pirates after entering Somali waters with the permission of the troubled transitional government in Mogadishu, U.S. officials said Monday. In recent years, warships have stayed outside the 12-mile limit when chasing pirates.

Jesus! How have I not heard about this, like ever?! Pirates still exist? That is so badass! Now, in my mind, I imagine they talk/act like this:

But in reality, after doing some web surfing, I discovered that they in fact look more like this:

Gross. And, in all seriousness, these guys are bad news. Besides the aforementioned situation, earlier this week pirates also seized a Korean vessel which ended with deadly consequences:

When the battle aboard the Dai Hong Dan was over, two pirates were dead and five were captured, the Navy said.

Again, in my mind I imagine it went something like this:

But chances are, it was far more grizzly.

The point is this: pirates are not only coming back, they’re coming back with a vengeance. There’s a chance this is all a ploy to drum up pirate-related costume sales for Halloween, but those Navy-folk seem pretty sincere in their angst toward these warlords of the high seas.

Well, at least they have all the pirates in the region at bay for the time being.

Four other ships in the region remain in pirate hands, the Navy said.

Crap. And supposedly this has been going on for upwards of about fifteen years off the coast of Somalia, the new hub of pirates worldwide. It truly does seem to be the favorite port for those patch-wearing, wooden-leg loving fellas. I wonder if it’s like the movies!

No, Rob. Bad. This is real life. They do not look like Johnny Depp caked in foundation and talking with a faux British accent. And apparently, instead of swords, the pirates of today are

armed with automatic rifles and shoulder-fired rockets, according to a recent warning from the agency.

Note to self: scrap plans to visit Somalia indefinitely.

Ciao.

After throwing two large pickles at his friends, a Buchanan, MI man is, well, in a pickle.

According to police reports, Bolen broke into Jody Lee’s home in Buchanan Aug. 20, got into an argument and threw two large pickles at friends Lee and J.W. Romanski III.

Seriously? Bolen got mad, came over, and threw two pickles? Michigan’s economy is in the shit hole, and our tax dollars are funding this case?

“If this is not the silliest case I’ve ever seen in this courtroom, it certainly is in the top 10,” Berrien Trial Court Judge Scott Schofield said Monday. “The fact that it’s silly doesn’t mean that it’s not serious.”

Right and wrong. Yes, this is silly. No, this is not serious. Readers, put this in perspective. A mad friend walks up, and throws a pickle at you. You laugh. You say “What are you? A clown?” Game over. You don’t press charges and waste everyone’s time and money.

Mr. Bolen was sentenced to 54 days in jail, time served. Meaning he couldn’t afford bail and already did his time awaiting trial.

During his 54 days, Bolen could have worked and spent money. Both positives for the economy. Instead, tax payers supported his living expenses.

Defense attorney Robert Lutz said alcohol appeared to be at the root of Bolen’s problems.

He was drunk? Who would have thought.

Let me solve the case quick. Mr Bolen, in the Livingroom, with the Pickle. I win.

As I take up my new role here at MG, I hope to be able to shed some light on particular social situations that we each face at one point or another. I want to look at each situation from the perspective of each player involved, hopefully clearing up the misconceptions that we all form in our mind.

Today’s social situation is not well known burping or rather burping in front of people that you just met or may not know very well.

The Burper
You are half way through a tasty club sandwich and large fizzy soda from the deli that you are dining at with a new co-worker. It was your job to take him out for lunch today. All the regular small talk has been played. And there is a bit of silence, lucky for you as you expunge a small silent burp (you know the kind where just your neck and mouth move a bit) as your new co-worker takes a bite of his broccoli cheese soup.

So you start to talk about the office politics and as you are mid-sentence you realize here it comes again, another little burp. You try to hold it back, but it bubbles up and finally you semi-choke-burp-make-a-small-noise and excuse yourself. Your co-worker takes it in stride and the moment passes. Wow, you feel really stupid, but by the late afternoon all is forgotten.

The Burp Receiver(s)
So far this lunch is going good. You’re not paying so it almost couldn’t get any better. This new co-worker of yours has some good information about the company. You appreciate all the things he is telling you and all that he has to offer. Mmmm…this sandwich is good. Wait…did your co-worker just ralph a little in his mouth. Just keep your head down then he will think that you didn’t hear him. Take another spoonful of your broccoli cheese soup.

Ah, yes now we are getting to the good stuff. Tell me more about the office politics. Really, he micro manages you? I would have never guessed. Hold the phone is this guy about to ralph again? I can’t believe this is happening. Remember, act like it is no big deal. Oh, wow what was that? Did he just choke or did he burp? I thought his whole club sandwich was going to shoot out of his mouth and hit me in the face. Disgusting. I will never forget this moment.

Social Analysis
See how the two situations were perceived differently. That is because we are all unique and we can do anything we put our minds to. And if you believe that happy go lucky horseshit I have ton of stuff to sell you for “rock bottom” prices all react to things differently.

Here are some things that The Burper could have done differently:
- Excused himself
- Fart and then say “Now burping isn’t that bad is it?”
- Belch as loud as he can and hope for a good laugh
- Throw up a little on the table

Here are some ways The Burp Receiver could make the burper and himself feel less (or more depending on your view) awkward:
- Burped along with The Burper
- Punched The Burper in the face
- Patted The Burper on the back and say “It’s ok. Just get it all out.”
- Leave the table immediately and moon The Burper on his way out of the restaurant

We’ve all been there. Seriously. This is single-handedly one of the most painful experiences of adolescence, I’m sure, watching your parents try to get down to your level and explain the special mommy-daddy-dance that people do when they are in love, and in the case of my parents, M-A-R-R-I-E-D. And this talk usually happens in such a backwards way with them throwing around teenage jargon that they themselves don’t understand that everyone forgets what it was you were talking about to begin with.

For example, when I was in fifth grade I was an avid doodler (still am) and during sexual education class the boys and girls were separated into separate rooms. The boys were given scraps of paper (while the girls were given “gift baskets” and trust us, we were jealous) and I took to that paper and did what I loved to do back then - draw. In fact, I remember distinctively with the hormones in the air and the overhead projector humming profusely at the back of the classroom I drew a baby…in pen. Then, via the instructions of Mr. Pickard, we were told to take that blank piece of paper and draw the male anatomy as some rudimentary means to teach us about our own genitalia. Thus, I had to draw this most holy of shrines on top of the picture of the baby. A few days later, my mother found that scrap of paper in my backpack and cornered me in the car on the way to the dentist asking me as nervously as possible, “You know that babies come from women, right?” I responded with a very stilted head nod and that was that.

Actually, all-in-all I got out pretty clean. I had a friend growing up who was taught the anatomy of plants in relation to his own growing and cumbersome body, a relation which his father assumed was spot-on. He wasn’t.

My point is this: I’m lucky I don’t have a mess of kids right now. Not only was my talk just an overall embarrassment, the issues of safe-sex were never, ever brought up. Ever. I learned that condoms were evil, evil things and that sex was something we just don’t talk about and I’m willing to bet many of you had similar experiences.

Well, now there is an…um…easy way to teach your kids about safe sex. Plop em down and play this video that “popped up” from India. It’s pretty zany and quite out there (okay, very out there), but the message is pretty clear. And damn it all, that beat is just catchy, son! Enjoy the protective covers:

Oh, and feel free to chime in with your own sex talk stories via the comments section below.

Ciao.

An inmate in a San Antonio jail escaped early yesterday morning. I know what you’re asking: How did he do it? Did he dig a tunnel through the night so as to come out on the outside? No. Did he incite a riot and escape during the melee? No. Did he just walk out the door? No, of course not…wait. Yes, that is exactly what he did. David Sauceda impersonated another inmate who made bail and simply walked out of the jail. He was gone for six hours before anyone even noticed they made a mistake.

The man who escaped, David Sauceda, 27, walked out of jail early Sunday morning when he gave the name, address, Social Security number, birth date and system ID number of his cellmate, Michael Garcia, according to the sheriff’s department.

Hmmm. So the only way to identify current inmates is by relying on them to supply personal information. Might it be better to actually know who each person is while they are in jail? Nah. That’s just a waste of time. Here’s Bexar County Sheriff Roland Tafolla on the incident:

Tafolla said the department will review its jail release procedures to figure out what went wrong. “We made an error,” he said.

I’m pretty sure we know what went wrong. You let the wrong person out of jail because you don’t know who is who. But maybe it’s ok. Maybe this guy that escaped really isn’t that bad of a guy anyway.

Sauceda and his brother, Jesse Sauceda, were charged in the November 2006 killing of a San Antonio man, and with robbing a 59-year-old woman after binding her with duct tape.

Oops.

Whewee! Chalk this one under just plain dumb! And first thing’s first, folks: always check your receipts before you sign them. Always.

Joe Salter, 52, of Mary Esther, Florida wants

investigators to pursue fraud and larceny charges against a Panhandle strip club after his son ran up a $53,000 bill in a single night while celebrating his college graduation.

Holy crap! I mean…wow. This guy knows how to party! I wouldn’t even be able to spend that kind of dough in a month and this guy’s wiping his ass with hundreds!

Anyway, it seems that this dingbat prodigal son who doesn’t know how to say no exclaimed upon entering this fine establishment that he only had $600 to spend and that was it. Then, throughout the course of the evening, owner Tim Beal said that the lad

bought at least 19 bottles of champagne — priced from $150 to $2,000.

Okay, okay. So what we have here is a communication problem. Supposedly the young man wanted to spend no more than $600 dollars and yet was ordering $2000-bottles of champagne. Sounds about right…er…

Now, I haven’t spent too much time at strip clubs in my day (read: waste of money), but from what I do know, it is entirely in the realm of possibilities that a seedy club like this tried milking money from a recent grad. Sure, there is a chance the boy genius himself was lying in the hopes of getting away clean, but if someone announces they have $600 to spend and end up racking up $52,400 more than they initially thought…well, something just ain’t right. And honestly, from my days waiting tables, if a tab ends up getting ridiculously high, someone should at some point come over and verify that the table knows what the tab is currently hovering over to avoid things like this from the get-go.

Still, Beal claims that the younger Salter was lucid and therefore, rightfully purchasing the items. His air-tight argument?

“He was actually dancing with the manager, Chris, right before he left.”

Well, there it is, guys. Close the books. Because clearly, dancing with the manager equals sobriety. I mean, just check out these assholes:

See my meaning? No one dances drunk…ever.

At any rate, check out the article here and judge for yourself.

Ciao.