Midwestern Gothic

slater finds he is suddenly drafted into the military shortly after his eighteenth birthday. will a.c. find himself on the frontlines of a war he doesn’t want to be part of, or will zack help him realize his true, “fabulous” potential?

WRITTEN BY MATT & ROB

INT. - BELDING’S OFFICE

Mr. Belding is sitting straight, reading from a piece of paper into the school’s PA system.

Belding - And so, let’s all just learn a valuable lesson from this. Geeks, dweebs, nerds and dinguses bleed red, like everyone else. So please, wrestling team, no more experiments. Have a nice day.

Audience laughs.

Belding begins to whistle when there’s a knock at the door.

Belding - Come in.

SLATER enters, wearing a line-green tank top and acid-washed jeans.

Slater - You wanted to see me, sir?

Belding - Yes, son. How you doing today?

Slater - Fine. Why do you ask?

Belding - Well, A.C., you recently celebrated your eighteenth birthday, didn’t you?

Slater - I sure did, sir.

Belding gets up and approaches Slater, pulling another chair close, sitting.

Belding - Son, there comes a time in every man’s life when he is faced with choices. And what he does with these choices, well, that’s who he becomes the rest of his life.

Slater - Oh, don’t worry, sir. My dad already had the talk with me…twice, actually.

Belding - No, no, son. That’s not what I was talking about. What I’m trying to say is, well…

Slater - What, I can vote legally now?

Belding - No. Please, son, this is hard enough without you interrupting.

Slater - Oh, sorry, Mr. B.

Belding - Anyway, like I was saying…(Belding gets up and walks to his desk, picking up a piece of paper, shuffling it in his hands)…Son, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it.

Slater (smirking) - Well, what is it, did Max make too many burgers disappear again?

Audience laughs. Belding approaches Slater and hands him the paper.

Belding - A.C., you’ve been drafted.

Slater (horrified) - Drafted?

INT. THE MAX - LATER THAT DAY

The gang minus Slater and Zack is sitting in the booth. Zack walks in and approaches the table.

Zack - Hey, did you guys hear about Slater?

Kelly - What about Slater?

Zack - He got drafted today.

Screech - Well, that’s wonderful. What team is he playing for?

Zack - He got drafted into the Army, you numbskull.

Screech - The Army? I didn’t know they had a team.

Everyone reaches across the table to smack Screech.

Kelly - Oh, poor Slater.

Zack - Yeah, I know. Apparently he’s going to have to leave for training a week before graduation.

Jessie - So he won’t even graduate with us?

Zack - I’m afraid not.

Just then Slater walks into The Max and approaches the table.

Jessie - Slater, we just heard. This is awful.

Slater - Hey, I can handle this. It’s not like the Army is something new for me.

Kelly - But you won’t even be able to graduate with us.

Slater - These things happen.

Zack - Wow, Slater, you’re really taking this pretty well.

Lisa - Yeah, I don’t know what I’d do if I had to up and leave like this.

Screech - Don’t worry my sweet, I’ll never let them get you.

Lisa - On second thought, maybe it would be a blessing.

Jessie - This is just so unfair. Isn’t there something you can do to get out of this?

Slater - Hey, really guys, this could be a great opportunity for me.

Kelly - I just…I just can’t believe this.

Kelly runs out crying.

Jessie - We’d better see if she’s ok.

Jessie and Lisa leave.

Zack - Well, Slater, I’ve got to hand it to you. You’re really being cool about this. Come on, Screech, we have to get to Chemistry class.

Screech starts to cry and hugs Slater.

Slater - Screech, will you cut it out? This is nothing.

Zack pulls Screech away.

Zack - See you later, Slater.

Slater - Yeah, I’ll see you guys later.

Slater starts to get worried look on his face.

INT. SLATER HOUSEHOLD, STUDY - LATER THAT NIGHT

MAJOR SLATER is seated behind his large, oak desk polishing a bayonet. On the desk are: a grenade; a round of machine gun bullets; a water balloon. A knock is heard at the door.

Major Slater - Yes?

Slater enters the room and salutes. His father does the same.

Slater - Evening, sir. Hope I’m not interrupting.

Major Slater - Nonsense. You’re never a bother. Besides, just polishing my weapons here.

Slater - Dad, why is there a water balloon?

Major Slater gets up, picks up the water balloon, and holds it in his hand with a sly smirk.

Major Slater - I’m waiting for that pesky rabbit to come back to our garden. I’m going to get him good, son.

Slater - Dad, we don’t have a garden.

Major Slater - Harrumph. Yes, that’s true. Now, what can I do for you, son?

Slater - Well, something happened at school today. Something BIG.

Major Slater (looking around nervously) - What is it, son? Are we under attack?

Slater - No, dad.

Major Slater - Is it your mother, is she having one of her “spells” again?

Slater - Dad, you left mom in Germany fifteen years ago.

Audience laughs.

Major Slater (laughing nervously) - Oh, that’s right. (sternly) You haven’t mentioned anything to anyone, have you, son?

Slater - No, dad. She was a liability. We couldn’t have her dragging down the Slater family name.

Major Slater - Good boy.

Major Slater returns to polishing his bayonet.

Slater - Dad, something happened today. Something…big.

Major Slater - What is it, son? Are we under attack?

Slater - Dad, we just went through this.

Major Slater rubs his head for a minute and smiles.

Major Slater - Oh, ha. You fell for my little joke. (spooked) It is a joke, right, son?

Slater - Dad, please focus.

Major Slater - You’re right. Now, what can I do for you?

Slater - Like I was saying, something big happened at school today.

Major Slater - Define big?

Slater - Well, I don’t exactly know how to tell you.

Major Slater - Son, you can tell me anything. Unless of course, you’re gay. (he laughs) I mean, there’s no gay in the military, son, you know what I mean?

Audience laughs.

Slater - No, dad. I’m not gay.

Major Slater (edgy) - Say swear to God!

Slater - I swear to God I’m not gay, sir.

Major Slater - Thatta boy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The US military has a long history of tolerance and equal rights.

They look to one another and begin laughing.

Slater - Well, you see, sir…I got drafted today.

Major Slater bolts up.

Major Slater - D…d…drafted, son? As in, forced into military action?

Slater - Yeah, Mr. Belding got the papers today.

Major Slater - Yippee!

Major Slater gets up and dances a bit. Hitting a switch on the wall, a large banner reading “CONGRATS ON BEING DRAFTED” sails down from the ceiling, as well as some shriveled balloons and confetti.

Slater - What is all this?

Major Slater - Your draft party, duh!

Slater - But, how’d you know? Are behind this? Did you get my drafted, sir?

Major Slater - What? No, of course not. I’ve had this hidden in all our houses since your fifth birthday, is all.

Slater - You’ve had a banner and some balloons hiding in the ceiling of all our homes, just in the hopes I get drafted?

Major Slater (serious) - Yes, son. Problem?

Slater (slumping) - No, not at all.

Major Slater - Every Slater since the revolutionary war has served. I’m so proud that now, finally, you’ve become a man. Congrats son, you’ve made me so proud.

Major Slater hugs Slater, who looks on the scene sadly.

Slater - Yeah, congratulations to me.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT MORNING

Screech is walking through the hall. Slater runs up to join him.

Slater - Screech, you’re pretty smart.

Screech - Well, thanks Slater. Nice of you to notice.

Slater - I need your help with something.

Screech - I don’t know. The last time I head that, I ended up in the school gymnasium wearing only my socks.

Slater - Everyone got a kick out of it.

Screech - Everyone was laughing at me.

Slater - They were laughing with you, Screech. Not at you.

Screech - Hmmm, but I don’t remember laughing…

Slater - Look, it doesn’t matter. This won’t be anything like that, ok?

Screech - Ok, Slater. Whatcha need?

Slater - I need you to look through this military law book and tell me if there are any ways to get out of being drafted.

Slater hands Screech the book.

Slater - I’d do it myself, but I have to focus on the upcoming wrestling match against Valley.

Screech - Well, sure Slater. I’m glad to help.

Slater - Thanks, buddy. And don’t tell anybody about this, ok? I’ll see you later.

Slater walks away.

INT. - THE MAX - AFTERNOON

Screech is sitting at a table reading the book. Jessie walks in.

Jessie - Hi, Screech. What are you doing?

Screech - Hi, Jessie. I’m just reading this military law book for Slater. Oops!

Jessie - Oh, how come?

Screech - Um, well, I’m not really supposed to say.

Jessie - Are you trying to help Slater not get drafted?

Screech - Um, well…ok, you got me. Slater asked that I look through this and see if there are any ways he can get out of being drafted.

Jessie - And?

Screech - The only thing I’ve come up with so far is running away to Canada or being a homosexual, whatever that means.

Jessie - Homosexual? It means gay, Screech.

Screech - Well, that’s great. Slater can just get real happy and they’ll let him stay!

Jessie - No, Screech, it means gay as in two guys liking each other.

Screech - Again, no problem. Slater likes lots of guys. Me, Zack…

Jessie - No, it’s beyond that. He has to have sex with guys.

Screech - Whoa.

Jessie - There’s no way Slater will run to Canada. If he can’t wear tank-tops year-round, his spirit will be broken.

Screech - What are you saying?

Jessie - Screech, I think we need to talk to Zack.

INT. LOCKERROOM - LATER

Zack is wearing only a towel and rummaging through this locker. Screech suddenly comes in, followed by Jessie covering her eyes with one hand, feeling around in front of her with the other.

Screech - Zack!

Zack - Whoa, Jessie, I think your scrunchie’s on too tight. You’re in the guy’s locker room.

Audience oohs.

Jessie - Can it, Zack. We have to talk to you.

Jessie finds a bench and sits down.

Zack - Relax. I’m the only one in here. Besides, not like we haven’t seen each other before, am I right?

Jessie uncovers her eyes and smiles, catching herself.

Jessie - That doesn’t matter now.

Zack - Okay, okay. What’s wrong you two?

Screech produces the military law book and opens a page, handing it to Zack.

Jessie - It’s Slater, Zack.

Zack - What’s wrong, did he friendly fire his dad?

Audience laughs. Jessie and Screech look confused for a moment.

Jessie - No, Zack. He doesn’t WANT to be drafted.

Zack - But I thought it was every Slater’s dream to die in a blaze of glory like that.

Audience laughs.

Jessie - Not Slater’s. He’s so afraid.

Screech - Yeah, he asked me to check out this book, see if I could get him out of service.

Zack - Come on, don’t be stupid. He’s happy. I mean, I think he’s happy, right?

Jessie - Zack, did you see him during speech class?

Zack - What happened, did he get over his fear of stagefright?

Screech - Yeah, if you call lighting up an eight-ball of crack getting over stagefright.

Jessie - And hitting on Ms. Simpson.

Zack (gasping) - What?

Jessie - It’s that bad, Zack.

Zack - But how did he-

Jessie - Don’t worry about that.

Zack sits between Jessie and Screech.

Zack - I had…no idea. He didn’t say.

Jessie - He’s too afraid. He doesn’t to appear any less macho than he has to. He’s very fragile.

Zack - Well, what does the book say, Screech?

Screech - Well, there’s only two ways he can get out of service. Either move to Canada or-

Zack - Or?

Jessie (tapping Zack’s shoulder) - Or if he’s homosexual.

Screech (leaning in) - Psst, that means if he likes other boys, Zack.

Zack (hitting Screech) - You numbskull. I know what homosexual means. Don’t be gay.

Screech - Me? I’m not gay, buuuuddddy. We’re here to help Slater, remember?

Audience laughs. Zack groans.

Jessie - This is serious, guys.

Screech - What should we do, Zack?

Zack (looking to the camera) - I think I just had an idea. (to Jessie and Screech) Jared’s still in charge of the Theatre Club, right?

Jessie - Jared? Yeah, why?

Zack - I think Mr. Belding’s finally going to meet Slater’s one, true love.

Audience hoots.

INT. THEATRE - MOMENTS LATER

Zack, Screech and Jessie walk into the Bayside Theatre. They see JARED, sitting in a chair observing a rehearsal on the stage. They sit next to him.

Jessie - Hey, Jared.

Jared - Why, Miss Spano, always a pleasure.

Jared takes Jessie’s hand and kisses it.

Jared - And Mr. Powers. How delightful it is to see you again. And, Mr. Morris, what brings you here?

Jessie - Well, you see, Jared-

Zack - Jessie, please. Allow me.

Jessie - Sure thing, Zack.

Zack - Jared, I need your help. Well, not just me. It’s actually more for Slater.

Jared - Ah, Mr. Slater. I’ve recently been informed that he has been, how do you say, drafted?

Screech - It’s drafted.

Jared - That’s what I said.

Screech - But you asked how to say it.

Zack and Jessie hit Screech over the head with notebooks.

Zack - Anyway, yes, Slater was drafted.

Jared - How dreadful.

Zack - Yes, so anyway, Screech says he can get out of it if he either moves to Canada or convinces the Army that he’s gay.

Jared - Ewww, Canada.

Jessie - We know.

Zack - So, we were thinking that-

Jared - My dear students, I’m flattered that you would enlist my help in convincing some Army fellows that Slater is gay, but it would be against school policy for me to get involved with a student, no matter how muscular his body, or greasy his hair, or-

Jessie - No, Jared. Zack-

Zack - I will pretend to be Slater’s boyfriend. I just need your help in acting more, you know…

Jared - Flamboyant.

Zack - That’s it. So, what do you say?

Jared - My dear young ones, it would be a privilege to help in this most honorable of tasks. We must start right away.

Zack - What should I do?

INT. THEATRE DRESSING ROOMS, MOMENTS LATER

MONTAGE

“Gonna Fly Now” by Bill Conti (Rocky) begins. Jared hands Zack a large pile of clothes. Screech knocks over a large piece of scenery. Jessie reads the FEMINIST MANIFESTO. Screech continues to play with props and things. Jessie lifts weights, showing off an extremely muscled arm. Zack emerges from the dressing room, in different, equally as glittered/ridiculous outfits. Jared shakes his head “no” every time.

END MONTAGE

Finally, Zack emerges in a neon-pink silk shirt, with a kerchief around his neck, and super-tight white pants. He also has on bright red lipstick and glitter around his eyes.

Zack - I’m not so sure about this, Jared.

Jared - Trust me, Zacky-poo. You look fab-u-lous.

Zack - Really? Jessie, Screech…what do you think?

Screech - Gee, Zack. I barely recognize you. You look…beautiful.

Audience laughs.

Jessie - Unfortunately, I agree. You look great, Zack.

Zack - Fine, but Slater better appreciate this. (itches crotch) Man, how do you guys wear this stuff?

Jared - You mean pants, Zack?

Audience laughs.

Jessie - What happens now, Zack?

INT. BELDING’S OFFICE - LATER

Belding is reading a PLAYBOY until there’s a knock at the door.

Belding - What? Oh, right. Come in.

Slater enters, distraught.

Belding - Well, hello there, A.C. What can I do for you, son?

Slater - Hey, Mr. Belding. I was hoping I could talk to you about being drafted.

Belding - Well, sure. Sit down. Let’s talk. I’m here for you.

Slater - Uh, yeah. (sitting) Well, anyway. Like I was saying-

Just then, Zack bursts through the door.

Zack - Why hellooooooo boys.

Belding - Zack Morris. Is that you?

Zack - Why, yes Richie it is.

Belding - You look, well-

Zack - Fabulous? Thanks cutie.

Slater - Zack, what are you doing?

Zack (whispering to Slater) - Trust me, just go along with it. We’re getting you out of the Army.

Slater - Oh, great.

Zack (not whispering) - Slater, I’ve been looking all over for you.

Slater - You have?

Zack - Yes, you fine hunk. You left Mr. Tuttle’s class in a hurry and I just wanted to make sure everything was ok.

Zack puts one hand on Slater’s shoulder and the strokes his cheek with the other.

Slater - Um, yeah, everything is just fine. I think.

Zack - Oh, well I just wanted to make sure my Slater was feeling alright.

Belding - Ahem. I don’t really know what’s going on here, but maybe you two would like some time alone to work out whatever it is you need to work out.

Slater - Um…

Zack - Oh, would you mind, Richie? I really think Slater and I need some alone time. It’s been real difficult lately with him being drafted, you know?

Belding - Say no more. I’ll be right outside.

Belding leaves the office.

Slater - Zack, what are you doing?

Zack - Look Slater, Screech was reading that book you got him and he discovered that the only way for you to get out of the Army was to either move to Canada or convince everyone you’re gay.

Slater - What’s Canada?

Zack - So we figured…what? What’s Canada???

Slater - Yeah.

Zack - Look, nevermind. You don’t want to go there anyway.

Slater - So I have to pretend to be gay? With you?

Zack - Come on buddy. Half the school probably already thinks we are.

Slater - I don’t know, Zack.

Zack - It’s either this or the Army.

Just then Mr. Belding opens the door.

Belding - Ok in here?

Slater looks at Zack, then at Mr. Belding, then back to Zack. Slater engulfs Zack in his arms.

Slater - I’m so glad I have you in my life.

Zack - Yes, I love you, too.

Belding - Say, what’s going on with you two?

Slater and Zack hug closer.

Zack - What are you talking about, Richie?

Belding - Zack, call me Mr. Belding, please. You’re making me…uncomfortable.

Zack - Oh, I see, Richie. The way I live my life makes you uncomfortable?

Belding - Look, boys. I’m just a bit, well, confused by all this.

Slater - Confused? Why, sir?

Belding - Well, Slater, you I could understand. The wrestling team, those tank tops, you know. Connect the dots.

Audience laughs, Slater steps back some and elbows Zack who’s laughing as well.

Belding (cont’d) - But you, Zack, I mean, you have a different girl every week. Literally, every single week you have a different girl that you are using presumably for sex.

Zack - Well, Richie, you know how sometimes you eat vanilla ice cream your whole life and then suddenly you try a new flavor, like chocolate and your eyes are just open?

Belding - Sure, I guess.

Zack - Well, (touching Slater’s bicep) Slater here’s my chocolate dipped ice cream treat.

The two nuzzle a bit more and Mr. Belding dry-heaves, then stands.

Belding (Slater) - Look, son. Is this some sort of joke?

Slater (nervous) - No, no joke at all. Why?

Belding - Because this changes everything, about being drafted.

Slater - It does?

Zack - It does?

Belding - Yes you two…uh, you two. No gays in the military.

Slater - Well, sir, this is why it’s been especially hard, what with my dad and all.

Zack - Mmhm. He doesn’t recognize our love, Richie.

Belding - Seriously, Zack. You really are making me nervous. Anyway, well, we’re going to have to sit down with the ROTC advisor and figure something out. (Slater and Zack stroke one another’s faces) And fast.

Just then, the loudspeaker clicks on.

Secretary (V.O.) - Mr. Belding, your car is being towed and the insect club has been using it as an incubator

Belding (running out of the office) - Oh, great. Screech!

The moment Mr. Belding is gone, Zack and Slater separate.

Slater - Jeeze, Preppy. A little warning.

Zack (rubbing his jaw) - Yeah. Can you shave your face next time? Now I know what a piece of Velcro feels like.

Audience laughs.

Slater - Do you really think this is going to work?

Zack - I don’t see why not. Look, all we have to do is pretend we’re gay for the next few days, and you’ll be in the clear.

Slater - I really owe you, Zack.

Zack - Yes, yes you do.

Audience hoots.

INT. THE MAX - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

Jessie, Kelly and Lisa are sitting at the booth studying. Screech enters, along with Zack and Slater. They are walking arm-in-arm.

Slater - Uh, Zack, are you sure we have to keep acting this way?

Zack - We probably should to be safe.

Slater - Fine.

Just then, MINDY, a tall, attractive blonde walks by.

Mindy - Hi, Zack.

Zack - Oh, hi Mindy.

Mindy - Say, if you’re not doing anything this weekend, my parents are gone and I have the whole house to myself.

Zack - Uh, you do?

Mindy - Yeah. I also bought some new clothes. I could try them on for you if you want. They’re really small.

Zack (gulping) Wow, geeze Mindy, that sounds great…

Slater - But Zack, didn’t you promise to take me to the Tori Amos concert this weekend?

Zack - What?

Slater - You know, the Tori Amos concert? (Slater is elbowing Zack).

Zack - Oh, right, that. Um, can’t we do that next weekend?

Slater - But she’s only in town this weekend.

Zack - Um, are you absolutely sure about that?

Slater - Yes I am.

Zack (under his breath) - Dammit. (To Mindy) - I’m sorry Mindy, I guess I promised Slater that I’d take him to the Tori Amos concert.

Mindy - You? Tori Amos?

Zack - Yeah, it’s just…

Mindy - No, you don’t have to explain. You guys actually make a cute couple.

Screech - Well, I can come over, Mindy. That is if you have some place for me to keep my snake.

Mindy - Get away from me you…wait, did you say snake?

Screech - Yeah. His name is Hank.

Mindy - How big is this snake?

Screech - Oh, he’s a big one.

Mindy - Oh, aren’t we naughty?

Screech - Well, he is sometimes. When that happens I just refuse to feed him.

Mindy - Oh, wow. I never knew this about you. Be at my place at 8 sharp on Friday.

Screech - Well, sure thing.

Mindy skips away.

Screech - Well, how about that?

Zack - Nice one, Slater. That was Mindy. I mean, Mindy for crying out loud!

Slater - Forget it, Zack. Like you said, we need to make this look real.

Zack, Slater and Screech sit down in the booth.

Jessie - So, how’s it going so far?

Lisa - How’s what going?

Jessie - Zack and Slater are pretending to be lovers so Slater doesn’t have to join the Army.

Kelly - Awe, that’s so cute.

Zack - Yeah, but it’s doing serious damage to my rep.

Slater - Don’t worry, preppy. I’m meeting with Belding and the ROTC captain tomorrow. We shouldn’t have to keep this up much longer.

Just then, MOOSE, lead by a few other of the football team JOCKS enter The Max and approach Slater.

Slater - Hey, hey, Moosey. How you doing, bud?

Moose - Gee, Slater. We need to talk to you.

Slater (standing) - Don’t strain yourself,

Audience laughs, so does Moose.

Moose - Wait, no. We’ve been talking and…

Slater - About?

Moose - Well, we don’t want no flamer being the captain of our team. I mean, what if Valley found out about this?

Slater - Flamer? (laughing) No, no. You don’t understand, guys. It’s just-

Zack elbows Slater and clears his throat.

Moose - It’s just what, A.C.?

Slater (lowering his head) - It’s just…I can’t keep my hands off this huggable hunk here.

Zack stands and the two embrace. Audience hoots. Moose and the other jocks cower.

Moose - Well, this is just weird.

Slater - I’m still the same guy, Moose.

Moose - Yeah, but now I’ll have to wear a bathing suit in the shower.

Slater - Guys, please. It’s not like that. Haven’t I always been there for you?

Moose - Yeah, but you were probably secretly undressing us with your little gay eyes. Sorry Slater, but you’re out.

The jocks turn and leave. Slater, distraught, sighs.

Zack (hugging him harder) - I still love you, schnookums.

Audience laughs.

Slater - Not now, preppy. This is just great. Now everyone thinks we’re gay.

Zack - Look, you think I’m enjoying this? Every girl at school now thinks we’re a hot item. I mean, there goes my social life.

Lisa - Hunnies, you just need to embrace the situation and not worry what everyone else is thinking.

Jessie - I have to agree. This is all for a better cause than your own personal lives.

Slater - Yeah, I guess your’e right, Mamma.

Kelly - Besides, if this doesn’t work out, you two could always move to Hawai’i and get married?

Everyone laughs except Zack and Slater who simultaneously dump a grape soda on Kelly.

INT. HALLWAY - NEXT MORNING

Slater and Zack are walking through the hall on the way to Mr. Belding’s office.

Slater - Ok, I’m meeting with the ROTC captain. Hopefully we can put this whole charade to rest after this.

Zack - I’m with you on that. And good luck.

Slater enters the office.

INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - SECONDS LATER

Slater walks in and sees Mr. Belding, the ROTC CAPTAIN JEFFRIES and his dad, Major Slater.

Slater - Dad? What are you doing here?

Major Slater - I received a call from your principal. It seems like you have some explaining to do.

Slater - But, dad-

Major Slater - No ‘buts’ son. I want to know what’s going on with you and Mr. Morris and I want to know right now!

He slams his fist on the desk. Just then, Zack walks into the office.

Zack - You can’t talk to him like that.

Major Slater - Excuse me? Please, someone get this fairy out of my sight.

Slater - Dad!

Major Slater - Shut up, son. I won’t have my son turn gay right in front of my eyes.

Slater - But, I’m not turning gay. I’ve always been this way. You just never paid attention.

Major Slater - What? I don’t believe it.

Zack - It’s true. We’re madly in love.

Major Slater - Prove it.

Slater - What?

Major Slater - Prove it. I want you two to kiss right now.

Zack and Slater look at each other, uncomfortably. They inch towards each other and finally kiss each other. They then pull away quickly.

Major Slater - This can’t be.

Capt. Jeffries - Well, you do know that the Army has strict policies forbidding queers, or I mean, men such as you, from entering the ranks?

Slater - I do, sir.

Major Slater - Son, is this really happening? Capt. Jeffries, can’t you make an exception? He’s my son.

Capt. Jeffries - I’m sorry, Major. These are the rules. I can’t let A.C. Slater into the Army. Good day.

Capt. Jeffries leaves.

Major Slater - Well, that’s it then. You can start packing your bags tonight. You’re out of the house.

Slater - Dad, what am I supposed to do?

Major Slater - Move in with Madam Morris for all I care. I no longer have a son.

He storms out of the office.

Slater - Now what do I do?

Belding - I’m sure he’s just a bit emotional right now. He’ll come around.

Slater - No, this is it. I’ve never seen him like this. Zack, we gotta do something.

INT. THE MAX - THREE WEEKS LATER

The gang, minus Slater and Screech, are sitting in their usual booth.

Kelly - I know it shouldn’t, but something about Mr. Dewie really turns me on.

Lisa - Hunny, he is one hunk of a man.

Zack - Is this really what you guys talk about when I’m not around? I mean, really?

Jessie - Don’t’ sound so surprised, Zack.

Kelly - Hey, have you heard from Slater at all?

Zack - Actually, no. Figured he was just lying low. I’m just getting my reputation back to where it’s at. I’ve had to date double-time.

Audience laughs. An obvious GAY MAN enters the Max, sees Zack, smiles and waves and sits in a booth.

Jessie - Obviously you still have some work to do.

Audience hoots.

Zack - Look, his name is Dennis and he’s a doctor. You just don’t NOT date a doctor, Jessie.

Lisa - Hunny, you is so right you is wrong.

All - What?

Lisa - Uh, nothing. Nevermind.

Just then, Screech bursts through the door and to the table.

Screech - Guys, guys! It’s Slater!

Jessie - What, did he friendly fire his dad or something?

Everyone laughs except Zack.

Zack - Are you serious right now?

Jessie - What?

Zack - I used that joke earlier. I was telling it to you.

Jessie - Oh, sorry.

Zack - Are you? I mean, it was just a few days ago.

Jessie - Look, I’m sorry, it’s your joke.

Zack - Are you trying to sabotage me or-

Screech - Guys, i’m serious!

Zack - Fine, fine. What is it?

Screech (panting, out of breath) - Slater. Living. In. Boystown. Selling. Smack.

Kelly - Boystown?

Jessie - Smack?

Zack - Slater?

Lisa (pointing to a girl sitting close by) - Last year’s shoes?

EXT. BOYSTOWN - MID DAY

Zack, Screech, Lisa, Jessie and Kelly are walking down the street. Just then, a dirty, greasy man calls out from an alley.

Slater - Who needs crack? Crack here. Who needs it?

Jessie - Slater? It’s us.

Slater - There’s no Slater here. My name is Enricio.

Jessie - Ok…

Zack - Listen, Slater, I mean Enricio, we need to talk to you.

Slater - Crack?

Zack - No, thank you. We know the past three weeks have been difficult. That is, we can only imagine they’ve been difficult.

Screech pulls a rotten banana peel out of Slater’s hair and smells it.

Slater - Give that back to me!

Slater grabs the peel and pushes Screech to the ground. He puts the peel back in his hair.

Kelly - Oh my god, this is awful.

Kelly starts to cry.

Slater - Alright, who’s first?

Slater starts taking off his pants.

Jessie - I’m going to be sick.

Zack - Enricio, please. We’re not here for that. Don’t you remember us? We’re your friends.

Slater - Come on, my body is yours for $10.

Zack - No, really, please listen to me.

Slater - $7.

Lisa - Sold. Come on honey.

Lisa approaches Slater.

Jessie - Lisa, what are you doing?

Lisa - Hey, I know a bargain when I see one. $7? You can’t beat that.

Zack pulls Lisa back.

Lisa - Hey!

Zack - I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this.

Zack pulls out a revolver and points it at Slater.

Kelly - Zack, what are you doing?

Zack - I’m sorry Kelly. But the Slater we knew is gone.

Jessie - No, he can be helped.

Zack - No, he can’t. $7? The Slater I know would never stoop that low.

They nod in agreement.

Zack - Sorry, old chum. We had some good times.

Slater - $5?

Zack fires the gun into Slater’s forehead. His lifeless body falls to the ground.

Zack - Alright, let’s get the hell out of here.

They start walking away.

Jessie - Wait.

They turn towards Jessie who is examining the body.

Jessie - Slater doesn’t have a birthmark on the back of his neck, does he?

Zack - No, why?

Jessie - Well, this guy has one.

Zack - What?

Just then someone looking even more like Slater walks around the corner.

Slater - Oh, hey guys, what brings you down here?

Zack - Slater? Screech said you were selling crack. But…

Slater - I’m not selling crack. I came down here to help my cousin get clean. You haven’t seen him around have you?

Zack - Your cousin? Does he look like you?

Slater - Yeah, most people say we look like brothers. His name is Enricio.

Zack (angrily) - Screech, you said you saw Slater selling crack down here.

Screech - Well, I thought I did. I mean he does look like Slater.

Slater - So you’ve seen him? Where is he?

Zack - Um, I think he went that way. (He points in the opposite direction of the alley).

Slater - Oh, ok thanks. I’ll see you guys at school tomorrow.

Slater wanders off. Zack stares at Screech.

Screech - Whoops!

Screech turns and runs and everyone chases him. Audience laughs.

END.