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Special Report: I hate California

This entry may provoke some outrage. Many people may be thinking to themselves, “Hey, why would you start hating California so early when there are so many other states out there to hate. Where are Nebraska, Ohio and South Carolina?” This a very good question. And all we can say is that those states, among others, will have their day soon enough. But recent news out of California merits their addition to my ever-growing list. Let’s get it on!

(People being stupid in California)

This rant about California is somewhat ambitious since it is such a large state. It’s one of the largest in land area and the largest in population. So I will admit that it’s difficult to find news that shines a light on the entire state’s stupidity. And California has a lot to admire. The state is home to some of the most beautiful beaches in the world and huge and expansive national parks draw numerous tourists every year. But this state also has its demons. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let these slide.

As we all know, smoking, and specifically, second-hand smoke, has been a hot topic for some time. I think we’d all be hard-pressed to find somebody in this country who doesn’t believe smoking has adverse health effects. This information is no longer considered controversial. But more controversial are the smoking bans that are popping up all over this country and the world. Many states in the U.S. and entire countries have enacted measures of varying degree, which prohibit smoking in certain areas. These range from restaurants to bars to workplaces to all public spaces.

Here is an index of all nations with some sort of ban on smoking and here is one for states in the U.S. If you look through information on each state, you’ll see that California was the earliest adopter of a prohibition on smoking. The state banned smoking in restaurants and workplaces in 1994 and extended that ban to bars in 1998.

These bans have supporters and opponents. Supporters claim that second-hand smoke is detrimental to non-smokers’ health so smoking should not be allowed where non-smokers are present. Opponents argue that non-smokers are not forced to go anywhere that allows smoking and private businesses should make their own decisions as to whether or not smoking should be allowed. As an opponent of the bans, I can at least acknowledge, albeit slightly, that supporters of bans could make the argument that smoking does pose some external costs on non-smokers. Fine, it’s an argument. But recent news out of California really irks me.

Two cities, Calabasas and Belmont, have recently voted to outlaw smoking in apartments and condos.

[in] Calabasas, the City Council [voted] on expanding its anti-smoking law to bar renters from lighting up inside existing apartments. It would exempt current resident smokers until they moved but would require all new buildings with at least 15 units, including condos, to be smoke-free.

the City Council of Belmont [was also] scheduled to cast a final vote on a similar measure that won initial approval last week. The ordinance, which applies to apartments and condos, would allow fines and evictions if neighbors complained and smokers didn’t heed warnings.

Ok, public spaces are one thing, but private residences? Come on, people. There’s absolutely no reason to mandate something like this. Private developers have already shown this to be true:

Tens of thousands of apartments and condos have gone smoke-free in the past five years, management companies and health activists say. Last month, Guardian Management began phasing in a smoke-free policy at 8,000 of its rental units, mostly in Oregon and Washington.

“We’ve proven the voluntary approach can work very well,” Bergman says.

If apartment and condominium complexes want to advertise as being smoke-free, potential tenants will take that information into account when making decisions. Mandating something like this takes personal choice completely out of the equation. And what the hell is this:

“Fresh air should be breathed by everybody,” Belmont Mayor Coralin Feierbach says. She cites a 2006 surgeon general’s report that says no level of secondhand smoke is risk-free.

No level of secondhand smoke is risk-free? No level of anything is risk-free. If you take a bite of food, there’s always a small chance you could choke and die. Whenever you drive your car, there’s always a small chance you could be in a head-on collision and sent soaring through your windshield into the tree on the side of the road. But we continue to eat and drive cars nonetheless. That’s because some risks are downright meaningless.

The only complaint I can see tenants making about other tenants that smoke is that sometimes the hallways smell. So what’s next, someone who doesn’t like the smell of Indian food complains to the city council in order to ban its preparation from inside a building’s walls? Get over it people. If you think you’re going to die prematurely because you smelled cigarette smoke in your apartment hallway, you really need to reexamine your sanity.

And if all that wasn’t enough for me to really hate California, there’s this video:

I mean, sure, why not visit California. The rich, white people who live there, the movie stars and moguls and famous foodies all say to come visit, so why not?! I mean, if they say to, surely I’ll become as successful and popular as them. Oh, and I’m absolutely sure, as this video points out, that I will have access to the same perks while traveling the Golden State as they do.

Idiots.

Since California is home to people like this, it is truly worthy of my hatred.

By Matt on Thursday, February 28th, 2008 at 1:25 am | Features | 3 Comments »

Lost and Found: Interview with Heath Ledger

Hi, folks. Talk about sitting on a doozy! Nick and I were perusing through the Midwestern Gothic archives last weekend and we found a box marked “Interviews: Unused.” Curious, we opened it and inside we found a heap of old field recordings that one of our first reporters, Blake (check out his sole surviving photo to the left), had done starting back in 2001. I don’t know why these were never used on the site, or for that matter who the genius was who decided to scrap them, but after mixing some tequila and tonics and taking a listen, Nick and I knew these had to be shown.

So we mixed some more tequila and tonics and we watched LOST on dvd and we painstakingly transcribed the recordings (which were pretty much all loaded with background noise) and added some pictures (to make it easier on your eyes) and now we’d like to present the first in a series of lost and utterly brilliant interviews given by the late great Blake. Enjoy.

Lost and Found #1: Heath Ledger, 2001

Interview by Blake.

(Shuffling of papers, clicking of tape recorder buttons, noise in background)

BLAKE: Hi folks, Blake here for Midwestern Gothic and it’s a beautiful September 10th, 2001. We’re on location at one of the most recognizable structures in America, the Trade Center and we have the great honor of interviewing a native son of Australia and perhaps the biggest sweetheart America’s seen in a decade, Heath Ledger. Hello, Heath. How are you?

(noise as Heath sits)

HEATH: Fine, great.

BLAKE: Well, thanks for agreeing to meet here. And I must say, for the viewers, it was your idea to come to the World Trade Center, right?

HEATH: That’s right, I just really get a positive energy from the place, it really just makes me feel alive, like nothing bad could happen to me. I have a real passion for architecture, and these buildings scream: “We’re big, we’re strong, nothing could tear us down.” They really embody what’s in my heart and soul.

BLAKE:Well, can I just say what a tremendous year this has been for you? A Knight’s Tale was a surprise hit of the summer and I believe you recently wrapped filming Monster’s Ball with Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton, right?

HEATH: Yes, that’s right.

BLAKE: Wow, I mean, it must be great for a young and gifted actor like you to be being offered these meaty roles. Does it make you feel good to know you’re going to be doing this for a long, long time? That, like the World Trade Center here, you’ll be standing tall and proud for years and years to come?

HEATH: You know Blake, it does. Monster’s Ball was the biggest challenge of my career. Unlike my previous hearth-throb roles, I play Billy Bob’s depressed, suicidal son. Being full of life, hell, practically immortal, nothing could prepare me for this. Suicide is something that’s never crossed my mind. I think you really saw the culmination of my acting abilities.

BLAKE: Interesting, interesting. So what else do you have going on?

HEATH:Well, I just started filming The Four Feathers, with Web Bentley and Kate Hudson.

BLAKE: What can you tell me about that?

HEATH: Well, it’s a story about cowardice, about doing the right thing as opposed to doing what people think you should. I mean, it really rings true to me. I personally would never take the easy way out. I believe we talked about suicide before, and, like drugs, I just don’t see the appeal. I mean, I’m a blessed man and these types of roles really make me think twice about my life, about how good I have it.

BLAKE: Sure, of course. So you’re saying you never have dark thoughts?

HEATH: Well, everyone does, sure. But to act on them, now that’s a totally different story.

BLAKE: But what if you were offered a role so dark and disturbed it changed your outlook on life?

HEATH: (laughing) That’d be some role, eh? No, seriously, I can’t imagine one that would.

BLAKE: What would be your dream gig, you think?

HEATH: I would love to play a superhero, or maybe a villain. I like the Riddler, he always seemed like the type of villain I’d like to portray.

BLAKE: Like Jim Carrey?

HEATH: No. I mean, I respect him, he’s a helluva funny guy, but I’d make it much darker, more serious.

BLAKE: So, what else do you have going on? Reading any good scripts?

HEATH: Funny you should mention it. There’s been some talk from my agent about some script that’s being passed on by a lot of people.

BLAKE: Oh yeah?

HEATH: Yeah, involving two gay cowboys in the 50’s and 60’s.

BLAKE: Gay cowboys? There’s a topic we haven’t seen in Hollywood yet.

HEATH: I know, right? But, I don’t know if it will ever get made, it’s a bit touchy but I would love a chance for a role like that. Really sink my teeth into it. But, who knows.

BLAKE: I see. Can you give us any insider information on who you’d like to see play your partner in the film, if it ever did get made?

HEATH: I’d really like to see Tobey Maguire or maybe Gerard Depardieu, they’re both incredibly gifted actors and I’ve been itching to work with them. Actually, I’ve met with both and we’ve made authentic audition tapes, just in case there ever is a chance that this thing’ll get made in the future. (laughing) We’d be ready, all right!

BLAKE: Audition tapes? How authentic?

HEATH: As authentic as you can imagine, Blake. I like to challenge myself.

BLAKE: Um, interesting.

(interruption by Steve Irwin who’s taking a tour of the building nearby, noise as Blake swivels in his chair and notices him)

BLAKE: Well if it isn’t Steve Irwin! Ladies and gentlemen, what a wonderful surprise! I’m here with Heath Ledger, filming a live interview about his up-and-coming career. Hello, Mr. Irwin!

STEVE: Hello, Blake-o!

BLAKE:(laughing) Gets me every time. Steve, since you’re on record with us, mind sitting down to answer a few questions?

STEVE: I don’t see why not.

(Steve sits down next to Heath)

BLAKE: Have you and Heath met?

STEVE: Of course, Heath mate, how’s it going? Heath was a regular visitor to the Australia Zoo growing up, even taught the tike to wrestle salties when he was a tot.

HEATH: God Steve, it’s been what? Five years?

STEVE: Crikey, something like that.

BLAKE: Heath and I have been discussing his acting career and love of architecture. In fact, he suggested we interview at the World Trade Center. What do you think of the place?

STEVE: Crikey, Blake. I’ve never seen a skyscraper so lovely. And so tall and strong! I reckon a fish’ll kill me before these things falls down.

(all laughing)

BLAKE: Yes, undoubtedly. But we know that won’t happen, right?

STEVE: No, no, only kidding.

HEATH: Like me, I see you living a long and great life, Steve.

(Steve puts his arm around Heath)

STEVE: Right you are, mate.

(rest of interview lost)

By Robby on Tuesday, February 5th, 2008 at 12:23 pm | Features | 1 Comment »

Film Snob: Multiplicity

Tagline: Sometimes to get more out of life, you have to make more of yourself.

Most quotable quote: [Doug’s rule for his clones] “Nobody has sex with my wife but me.”

What a great film, eh? Wait, you’ve never heard of or seen it?! How is this possible? This is by far Michael Keaton’s greatest role (after Mr. Mom, of course) and you call yourself a Michael Keaton fan? Oh, you’re not a Michael Keaton fan? This…is…awkward…

Check out the trailer to get reacquainted:

Still not registering with you? To hell with you! I’m going to do my film review anyway! MK (as he’s affectionately known to me) is a gifted man and this overlooked film in the pantheon of all things MK is a great, great piece of work. And, if the aforementioned title isn’t already a dead giveaway, there’s a plethora of MKs in the film! Huzzah, MK fans everywhere unite!The 1996 film was directed by Harold Ramis and it envisions a world where Joe Everybody can waltz down the street and decide willy-nilly that he desires a clone, hop on down to his local medical clinic/hospital and get the job done. Seriously, that simple. Here’s a brief synopsis per the Wikipedia entry:

[MK’s] character, Doug Kinney, is a stressed-out family man who meets up with a scientist who has developed a successful means for cloning humans. The scientist allows Doug to make a clone of himself that can take over for him at work, while he tries to spend some quality time with his family. The clone, called “Two” (while having all the knowledge, memory and experience of Doug), turns out to be overly macho and easily irritated, suffering a residual personality quirk of the cloning process.

Haha! Wonderful. Hijinks ensue, let me tell you. Two eventually makes a clone of himself behind Doug’s back, dubbed, coincidentally enough, Three, a very feminine version of the bunch who has aspirations of becoming a chef. But wait, how can you top three MKs?

Easy. With four! Yes, Three decides his life is too stressful as well and makes a clone of himself named Four, easily the dimmest of the bunch. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That’s a LOT of MKs!” Yes, but can you really ever have enough MK? Regardless, the man does have some acting chops, as you can see from this clip where Doug first learns of Four’s existence:

Oh boy, oh boy! Such fun.Now, Ramis decided to forgo dealing with any of the moral implications of cloning, rather to focus the film’s momentum on the nature of consciousness and the human soul and he delivers a powerful tour de force of epic and philosophical proportions. I mean, there’s an entire scene where clone after clone sneaks into Doug’s house while he’s away and one by one they are seduced by his wife (after he’s commanded them all to keep their distance from her, played beautifully by Andie MacDowell).

This is not the sort of everyday subject matter most directors can not only envision, but successfully craft. Ramis’ unique vision is asking us, the reader, what does it mean to be cloned? When we’re sad, are we a “sad clone” of our normal self? Does this “sad clone” have the same human rights as the rest of us, and should it? All of this is discussed quite intimately in the film and without MK’s involvement, I dare say, it would be but a stark and hallow version of the masterpiece it became.

My Score (out of five):

Go see this film. I saw it in a bargain bin at the grocery store last week for $2.99 with the purchase of three Lean Cuisine dinners, so I know it’s available. Great, great deal, folks, and it may even change your perception of the world!

Ciao.

By Robby on Thursday, January 24th, 2008 at 12:34 pm | Features | 3 Comments »

Interesting Individuals: The 5 Minute Piss Pal

Interesting Individuals are those that any normal person will see on the street and think quietly to themselves “That damn freak”, unless you have Turrets Syndrome and then you yell it at them. Unlike some of my peers I seem to spend inordinate amount of time focusing my thoughts on what makes these people the way they are today. These folks have touched my life like no other.

Please take the time to share your own experiences with the Interesting Individual focused on in this article by using the comments section below.

Interesting Individual: The 5 minute Piss Pal or 5MPP from here on out.

The Scenario
You have been at work for about 3 hours so far and the day is dragging. We all know the feeling and what better way to combat it then to step away from that ball and chain (read: desk and computer) and waste time by going to the bathroom, while of course engaging in some conversations along the way (to waste extra time). Just as you arrive at the threshold of the bathroom, Mike from accounting steps up behind you. Pleasantries are exchanged as you enter the bathroom, for once you are completely in talking is not allowed.

Mike starts going to the bathroom and he has a full stream going. You start a weak stream in the urinal next to him. Your embarrassment only slows your stream to a drip drip drip. However, being a man of courage you stand next to Mike and continue to drip it out. About 35 seconds in and you are all dripped out while Mike still has a full powerful stream. As you start to zip up he looks over you and delivers a smug smile.

You start to wash your hands and because you want to see how long Mike’s powerstream can keep up you wash them good, not like your usual turn on the faucet, turn it off, and grab some paper towels only to throw them away dry. 55 seconds have passed. Finally, you finish washing your hands and at this point you are ready for surgery you scrubbed them so good. Mike is still pissing and while his stream has lessened a bit it is still resonates louder against the back of the porcelain than anything you have ever done. 1 min 45 seconds.

As you start to leave the bathroom you look between Mike’s legs and the stream is awesome. Overcome, with jealous you stop walking for just a second. 2 minutes. Mike notices the change in movement behind him and just as he looks back you start to slowly shuffle towards the door. He waves and mutters “Sayonara.”

You wait outside the bathroom to see if he comes out. At this point he has been in there 2 minutes and 15 seconds. So you wait while staring at your watch. It feels eerily similar to waiting for your girlfriend at the mall while she uses the restroom only you know she isn’t going to the bathroom the entire time.

Finally, Mike strolls out and as you try to look like you are reading a posting about your employment rights that is posted on the wall near the bathroom you look down at your watch and nearly 5 minutes has passed. That’s when you realize Mike is a 5MPP.

Reasons to strive to be a 5MPP
1. Being a voluntarily fireman with your own water house and water supply. Think about how the chicks will dig you as you walk up to a burning building and put out the blaze with your powerstream.
2. The respect of other men once they find out you are a 5MPP. I mean who doesn’t wish they could do that on a regular basis?
3. The ability to drown small children (your own or others) with your own bodily fluids if they don’t behave. No more crying children while you try to enjoy a nice dinner with that hot lady at the restaurant where stupid parents think they can bring their kids.
4. Helping the environment by filling small stream and lakes in times of a drought.

By Heath on Monday, January 21st, 2008 at 11:50 am | Features | 2 Comments »

Pathetically bad video of the week: Street Fighter: The Later Years

Alright, I lied. There is nothing pathetically bad about this video at all (I just didn’t want to create a new recurring post). In all actuality, this is one of the first internet vids I’ve stumbled upon that’s actually made me laugh, even up until the end! Maybe it’s just because I played the Street Fighter video games religiously as a child and über-awkward teen, but this really strikes a chord with me. It’s great.

The premise is that the fighters from the SF franchise are now either elderly or middle-aged and are preparing for a new tournament, held by the now-wheelchair-bound M. Bison. The best part of this, surely, is Guile and his line: “Sonic-fucking-boom.” Pure gold.

And Ken as a total wuss? It’s so perfect. Way better than that Street Fighter “film” starring the late Raul Julia (what were you thinking, man!). And I guess this is Part 6, which means there are 5 previous gems out there somewhere, but I haven’t partaken in them just yet (I’m saving something for the rest of my “work week”).

Anyway, enjoy.

Warning: There is some “sideboob” action in the vid, so be prepared to minimize the screen if you’re watching this at work. Yes!

Ciao.

By Robby on Tuesday, January 8th, 2008 at 3:42 pm | Features | No Comments »

Pathetically bad video of the week: Internet is for porn

Don’t fear, dear reader, this is not an actual porn vid (I wish!). It is, in all actuality, a “Disney-esque” song about the many (or sole) uses of the internet.

Now, I applaud whoever made this (as amateurish as it is) for actually putting this song together and finding parts of Disney films that (somewhat) work with the dialogue. Must’ve taken two, two-and-a-half hours. Kudos.

But even so…it’s still pretty bad. See for yourself:

Ciao.

By Robby on Monday, December 17th, 2007 at 11:35 am | Features | No Comments »