Midwestern Gothic

To the undecided voter, I’m going to share my decision making logic.

Think about the economy, the war, health care, and the gap between upper and lower class America. Could any be worse than they are today?

You can vote for someone very similar to our current president, or you can choose someone completely different. Details aside, I’m ready to take a chance and see what happens. I have no idea if Obama is qualified to be president or not, but neither is our current president, and he was elected twice.

There you are, standing outside a gas station, pumping away your life savings. Gas prices have tripled in 10 years. As far as I’m concerned, the cost of extracting oil from the Earth hasn’t increased. What then, are those Middle Easterners doing with all of your hard earned cash?

In a perfect world, it could feed the worlds’ hungry. It could clothe the homeless. Cure diseases. Compensate Steve Carell for all those laughs.

It the United Arab Emirates, your hard earned cash doesn’t just buy gold palaces. It buys indoor ski resorts!

Welcome to Ski Dubai. With it’s 6000 tons of artificial snow, you can ski in the desert. Where else in the world can you hop off your camel, leave your turban at the door, and toboggan down the icy slopes!

In 2008, Dubai will open it’s second indoor ski resort, the Dubai Sunny Mountain Ski Dome. It will feature a revolving ski slope, an artificial mountain range, an ice bridge, a cable lift, a snow maze, an ice slide, polar bears cold water-aquaria and special sound and light effects.

In the United States, we get tax breaks to purchase alternative fuel vehicles. The Middle East will pay double if you don’t live Green.

So it all came down to the New England Patriots and the New York Giants on Superbowl Sunday. Since neither team was the Detroit Lions in disguise, my allegiance was torn.

The Patriots could go 19-0. This feat would silence the damnable ‘72 Dolphins forever. No more clips of Mercury Morris and Don Shula drinking champagne when the last undefeated team loses. I wasn’t alive, but by all accounts the ‘72 Dolphins weren’t even that good. I wanted to see history in the making.

The Giants were the underdogs. I always lean toward the underdog. Eli Manning is a country bumpkin, brother of last year’s Superbowl MVP Peyton Manning. Who doesn’t like that story? Last year, Tiki Barber retired from the Giants. On his way out, he managed to belittle Eli Manning and criticize his former coach Tom Coughlin. This year they made it to the Superbowl without him. Now the entire world knows Tiki Barber isn’t as important as he thinks he is.

My heart was with the hapless Giants. The Patriots have two faces, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. Bill Belichick is a cheater and a douche bag. The NFL found him guilty of cheating and penalized he and the team extensively. He’s a douche bag because he gives former assistants the cold shoulder for taking head coaching jobs, and because he runs off the field with 00:01 left on the clock, ruining the Giants’ victory celebration.

Tom Brady is becoming the Paris Hilton of the National Football League. He’s a model, he dates beautiful woman, and he’s the only athlete with his own paparazzi. He’s a product of the University of Michigan, and we know how I feel about that. Tom Brady has everything, does he really need a fourth Superbowl ring?

So there I was, rooting for the New York Giants. They were up by 3 points in the fourth quarter. Tom Brady executed his usual game winning heroics, and scored the go-ahead touchdown with less than 2 minutes to play.

I didn’t think the Giants had a chance, but I was wrong. Eli Manning marched his team down the field, he stayed up when he should have fallen down, and he made the clutch throws. And with 30 seconds left, he threw a beautiful game winning touchdown pass to Michigan State alumnus Plaxico Burress, and all was right in the world.

Poop Particles. n. Tiny fragments of feces lingering in the air of public bathrooms. Usually compound throughout day, as patrons continue using facilities.

Nick: Jeff, hold my coffee while I go to the bathroom.

Jeff: Just take it in with you.

Nick: Seriously, I’m not getting poop particles in my coffee.

As I left work, a roaring blizzard slapping me in the face, I couldn’t help but think of this morning…

The weather was nasty, visibility was low, and the roads were icy. On my right, a car had lost control. Its front bumper was hugging a tree like a hippie on spring break. But I drove on.

A few miles down the road, I start to think, “Why didn’t I stop to help?” Someone was in the car, the headlights were still on, and no emergency response had arrived on scene. The driver could have been hurt, could have been lacking a cell phone…

Again, why didn’t I stop? I was a boy scout. This is what I’m trained to do. If I’d helped, my girl would call me her hero. I’d feel good about myself. Instead, I was one of a million that drove by, figuring someone else would be the Good Samaritan.

Back to my walk from work. An old man pulls up beside me, and asks if I want a ride. Perplexed, my mouth opens to decline. I’m questioning his motive.

Is this karma exacting its revenge? Does this old man want me to get in his car, and touch his genitals? Or worse, ask if he can touch mine?

Or are his intentions true? Is he demonstrating how a good person should act? The person who helps a person in need.

We’ll never know, my car was ten feet away and I declined his invitation. Then I got pulled over on the way home. Bad karma? But I only received a warning. Good karma?

In the spirit of “Happy Holidays“, where is the upheaval over the term “X-Mas”? Why is everyone taking “Christ” out of Christmas these days?

In all non-secular fairness, shouldn’t we call Christmas “t-Mas”? Get it, a cross?

To all of you efficient, lazy scribes, I say quit penning “X-Mas” on your cards, gifts, and holiday ramblings. Stop taking Christ out of everything holy.

America, Fuck Yeah!