Midwestern Gothic

How to Spot a Messy Urinator: Usually, you can’t. You can only see what they’ve left behind. People tend to be much more careful and aware of their actions when other people are around. Therefore, it’s usually difficult to catch someone in the act. And if you try to catch someone in the act, there’s a good chance you’ll come across as a weirdo or pervert. Nonetheless, these people do exist. Too many yellow-stained toilet rims and urinals attest to this simple fact. (Note before proceeding: I can only speak to male co-workers with this post. I have no evidence of women fitting this description.) Evidence that Messy Urinators work in your office:

1. Droplets of urine sit atop toilet and urinal rims. Anyone with the smallest amount of skill and etiquette can shake without letting urine fall outside of its intended destination.

2. Small puddles on the floor, directly below where you are standing at a urinal. Unless the urinal is malfunctioning (i.e. overflowing during a flush), there is absolutely no reason a liquid of any kind should be on the floor near the urinal. And once you flush the urinal yourself, you will see that the urinal is not overflowing. It can, therefore, be only one thing.

Why it’s annoying: This goes without saying. I don’t know too many people that find the site of another man’s urine appealing. The bathroom should be a place to get away from the stresses and irritations of work, not a source for new ones.

What you can do to stop a Messy Urinator: Without knowing exactly who is causing the mess, it’s difficult to stop them. If you have only a suspicion about who it might be, it might not be a good idea to confront them. Nobody wants to be falsely accused of being a Messy Urinator. That person will do everything in their power to destroy you. And even if you do know who it is, how do you approach someone about this issue? The following courses of action might help:

1. Leave an anonymous note in the bathroom instructing people to be more careful. Unless you are the only clean person in the office, other people have seen what you have seen and have been equally appalled. They will appreciate this gesture.

2. Leave another anonymous note directing people that if they cannot control their waste, they should at least have the courtesy to clean up after themselves. A simple wipe with toilet paper makes for a more visually appealing bathroom experience for the rest of us. (It also cuts down on dried urine stains, which the custodial crew is forced to clean.)

3. Enlist the help of a bathroom detective. If the price is right, I’m sure you can find somebody to collect and analyze office urine.

4. If the possibility of going to jail doesn’t bother you, you can install hidden cameras in the bathroom to catch the idiot(s) who is (are) causing this problem. You can then confront them with the evidence and do one of many things:
a. Tell them to stop.
b. Threaten to tell your supervisor.
c. Threaten to tell the custodial staff.
d. Blackmail them. Request thousands of dollars lest you report their messiness to everyone in the office, complete with blown-up-pictures of this person posted at every urinal with the caption: Don’t be like this loser, keep it in the bowl.