Midwestern Gothic

Let’s assume for a moment, dear readers, that you don’t follow the news.

Mitt Romney, the Republican Presidential hopeful, has been shouting from the rooftops about his Mormon faith recently, trying his damnedest to prove to all of his would-be voters that whatever religion he is doesn’t matter because, “the President will need prayers from all religions”. Yes, he actually said that. And true, we do need to adhere to a little thing our forefathers setup about keeping religion and government separate, for the good of everyone, but really…he’s bringing even more attention to it instead of detracting from it. Way to go, dumbass.

So, this has been getting me thinking about the Mormon faith and then today I was kindly pointed to a video that’s “banned” from the Mormon Church and at one time was used to instruct Mormons on the history of their religion.

In recent years, thank you Warren Jeffs, the Mormon Church has tried to ostracize themselves from these extremist “sects” and they’ve tried hard to characterize themselves as a legit religious outfit. Now, again for the record, I’m not one to make fun of a religion (scientology doesn’t count and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever capitalize that word), unless of course said religion is deserving of a lambaste (see my post on Jehovah’s Witnesses here). I personally have extended family that are Mormons and I’ve attended my fair share of Mormon services while growing up and I can say that most of these people, besides having the usual character flaws all us humans have, they were decent and normal people.

Which brings me back to this fantastic video which deals with the origins of mankind as reported by the “prophet” Joseph Smith - the founder of Mormonism. Now, I’m going to post the video below so you can all watch and laugh and cringe and get angry and hit things, but I’d like to point out the main points first, so you can be prepared (oh and btw, I could NEVER make anything this outlandish up):

1. There’s virtually trillions of planets scattered across the galaxy and they’re ruled by countless gods who once were human like us.
2. One on of these planets, a”spirit child” was conceived and called Elohim. He was hailed as a god on this planet and was married to lots and lots of women.
3. Through “endless celestial sex” Elohim produced billions of “spirit children” with his many wives.
4. The head of the Mormon gods called a fairly decent sized meeting many years later to discuss what to do with these “spirit children”. Elohim’s eldest sons, Jesus and Lucifer, where there and were most definitely double-dipping.
5. They decided to “build” planet Earth and send the “spirit children” there and to have them take mortal bodies.
6. Lucifer got pissed as his “bid” for savior of Earth was lost to his good-for-nothing loafer brother Jesus. One-third of the “spirit children” vowed to join Lucifer in a revolt against Jesus and became demons and were forever cursed to not have physical bodies. Uh-oh…
7. Those “spirit children” who took no side in the fight…wait for it…were “cursed to be born with black skin”. The “spirits who fought valiantly against Lucifer” became white-skinned people on Earth. Ugh…
8. A thousand years later, Elohim came to Earth from his “starship” to have sex with the virgin Mary so he could present his son Jesus with a mortal body.
9. After Jesus’ resurrection, he came to America and preached to the Native Americans, who the Mormons believe are the “real Israelites”. By 421 A.D., the Native Americans had finished battling a race of white-skinned people in America who had written their history down on gold tablets and buried them, found later by…drumroll…Joseph Smith.

And yeah, there you go, folks. Just the beginning of the absurd history of Mormonism. Normally I’d go on a tirade right about here, but I can’t. I just can’t. As silly as Jehovah’s Witnesses appear to be, Mormonism is resting on a whole other echelon and quite frankly, I don’t even know where to begin!

So sit back and digest these points (and enjoy if you can) and get ready for some seriously whacked out crap:

Ciao.