Midwestern Gothic

The annual Jacksontown Muster itches Rob in all the right places as he and Jeff go on a quest to prove once and for all that the Civil War was the sexiest war of them all.

WRITTEN BY MATT & ROB

INT. HOUSE - MORNING

JEFF wanders down the stairway, groggy and turns into the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME

Jeff enters the kitchen and stops. He sees NICK, wearing a shirt and tie, eating a bowl of cereal.

Nick - Morning.

Jeff - What’s all this?

Nick - What do you mean?

Jeff - Why are you dressed up? Who died?

Nick - Nobody died. I have an interview today.

Jeff - Interview? (beat) How long have I been sleeping?

Nick - Get with it, man. I told you about it last week. Remember?

Jeff thinks.

INT. PARLOUR - LAST WEEK

Nick and Jeff are sitting at a table.

Nick - I’m starting to get bored just lounging around all the time. Did I tell you I have an interview next week?

Jeff, ignoring Nick, is reading the paper.

Jeff - There’s a sale on birdfeeders at Home Depot this weekend.

Nick - It’s a sales job with Consumer’s Energy.

Jeff - You don’t hear too much talk about birdfeeders these days, do you?

Nick - Man, I really need to start working again.

Jeff - Holy crap!! Next weekend is the annual Jacksontown Civil War Muster…(V.O.) Civil War Muster…Civil War Muster…

INT. KITCHEN - PRESENT TIME

Jeff - (V.O) Civil War Muster…Civil War Muster…

Jeff gets an excited look on his face.

Jeff - Holy crap! The Civil War Muster!

Nick - What?

Jeff - It’s this weekend.

Nick - What the hell are you talking about?

Jeff - These guys, they travel around and put on a muster. It’s a reenactment of the Civil War.

Nick - Hmmm.

Jeff - We have to go.

Nick - I’ll see. It depends on how this job thingy goes.

Nick looks at the clock.

Nick - Crap. I gotta run.

Nick heads out the door.

Jeff walks back into the living room.

Jeff (yelling) - Rob!

Silence

Jeff (yelling) - Rob!

Rob (O.S.) - (groggy, sleeping sounds).

Jeff turns.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

Rob rolls off of the couch, out from under a pile of pillows, potato chip bags and pop cans.

Rob - What?

Jeff - Want to go the Civil War Muster this weekend?

Rob - Who?

Jeff - The muster.

Rob - Uh, maybe. Gretchen, you wanna go to the muster?

Just then, a girl, GRETCHEN, sits up suddenly from under the same pile that hid Rob.

Gretchen - Don’t worry, it’s not contagious.

Jeff and Rob just stare.

Gretchen - Oh, hey. Ha ha. Um, well, I guess I better get going.

Gretchen stands up quickly, gathers her things and leaves.

Rob - Classy girl.

Jeff - So, what do you say?

Rob - I’m in. Where’s Nick?

Jeff - He had an interview.

Rob - Oh, are we playing a game now? Usually you have to give me a head’s up, remember? Okay, okay. My turn. Places you’d never expect to find Nick eh? (thinking) The library!

Jeff - No, you don’t-actually, good answer.

Rob - Thanks.

Jeff - But seriously, he’s at an interview.

Rob - For like a job job?

Jeff - What’s a job job?

Rob - Like a real job.

Jeff - As opposed to a job, say, like you have?

Rob - What I do is invaluable work, my friend. (sad) But yes, not like mine.

Jeff - Well, doesn’t matter. You want in or what?

Rob - When is it?

Jeff - Does it matter?

Rob - Touche. I just have to call and quit work.

Jeff - Whoa, you don’t have to do that.

Rob - No, it’s cool. J-Crew was brining me down anyway. Plus there’s that whole statutory rape thing.

Jeff - Um, what?

Rob - No, it’s cool. We just made out. Look, doesn’t matter. What matters is that we get Matt involved with this.

Jeff - Do you really think he’ll wanna go?

Rob - Uh, duh. He’s our bro, isn’t he?

Jeff - Yeah, but he’s been cranky lately. More than usual.

Rob - Because he hasn’t been laid in six months.

Jeff - What? How do you know that?

Rob - I have my sources.

Jeff (uncomfortable) - Man, that’s like…a really long time.

Rob - Wait, how long has it been for you?

Jeff - You know…like, a week.

Rob - A week? With who?

Jeff - A month?

Rob looks sternly.

Jeff (slumped) - Year and a half.

Rob - Jesus. What’s that like?

Jeff - Surprisingly refreshing. You forget about it after a while.

Rob - Well, my services are needed, then. We’ll have to get you and Matt laid AND go to the muster.

Jeff - Um, what?

Just then, RYAN walks in.

Ryan - Jesus. Can you please not leave potato chips everywhere?

Rob - Uh, yeah, sorry about that. I was kind of caught up the moment last night, if you know what I mean.

Ryan - Yeah, I get it. We, all of us, (Ryan draws a circle with his finger) we always know what you mean.

Rob - Really? Jeff?

Jeff - I’m afraid so.

Rob - How long has this been going on?

Jeff - A while now, I guess.

Rob - And you never said anything?

Jeff - I thought you’d be mad.

Rob - Wow. I don’t know what to say.

Ryan - Well, I’d love to stick around and converse with you guys all day about these fascinating topics, but I’ve got work to do.

Rob - Then why are you here?

Ryan - First of all, this is my house. I can be here whenever I want. And secondly…you know what, there is no secondly. This is my house.

Ryan walks away.

Rob turns towards Ryan and mimics him, behind his back.

Jeff - Haha. Anyway, let’s give Matt a call about the muster.

Jeff picks up the phone. Rob immediately grabs it and hangs it up again.

Rob - Are you kidding me? This is no time to use the phone.

Jeff - It isn’t?

Rob - Hell no. We’re going in person to discuss something like this.

Jeff - Oh boy.

Rob - No, it’s cool. Trust me.

INT. CITY HALL - A LITTLE LATER

Rob and Jeff walk in.

Rob - Hear ye! Hear ye!

Jeff laughs.

Jeff - Damn, that never gets old.

They approach the desk.

Pam - So, what is it today, gentlemen?

Rob - Oh, Pam. Don’t you tire of this cat and mouse game?

Pam - Excuse me?

Rob - Always acting as if the mere sight of us puts a damper in your day. You really ought to spend some time with us. Get to know us. Get to know…me.

Rob lifts her hand to his lips.

Pam - Ha! Please. You couldn’t handle me.

Rob - Uh, haha, no offense Pam, but I think I know a little bit about what women want.

Pam - Do you?

Just then, Matt walks out from an office.

Rob - Give me a call sometime. (he winks).

Rob and Jeff walk away, towards Matt. Rob looks back once more and winks again. Pam rolls her eyes.

Rob - Mr. Mayor!

Matt stops and looks.

Matt - What are you guys doing here?

Rob - We’ll just need a moment of your time.

Matt - Fine, fine. I’m just on my way to my office. Come in.

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

The three enter the office. Matt sits at his desk, Rob and Jeff sit in empty chairs.

Matt - So, what’s going on now?

Jeff - Do you know about the Civil War Muster?

Rob - Ahem. Jeff, I’ll handle this. It appears that Jacksontown will be graced with a Civil War Muster this weekend. And we were just wondering if—

Matt - Yeah, I know all about the Civil War Muster.

Jeff - You do?

Matt - Yeah, it happens every year.

Rob - Oh. I see.

Matt - Yeah, that’s what the word “annual” means.

Rob - Interesting. Regardless, we are to see to it that you accompany us to this year’s annual, eh eh (Rob looks to Jeff and Matt) Civil War Muster.

Matt - That’s what you came down her for?

Rob - In a nutshell.

Matt - Why would you want to go to that? I went to it several times growing up. It’s not much.

Jeff - But, there’s guns right?

Matt - Right.

Jeff - And cannons?

Matt - Yes, and cannons.

Rob - So, presumably, someone’s going to die.

Matt - What?

Rob - Well, guns and cannons, it only makes sense that—

Matt - No, it doesn’t. It’s not real.

Rob - None of it?

Matt - The people are real, the weapons are real, the ammunition is not.

Rob - Hmmm. Nevertheless. It’s got to be a great place to meet women.

Matt - No, it doesn’t.

There’s a knock on the door. Pam enters.

Pam - The school board is ready to meet with you, sir.

Matt - Good. Well, gentlemen, I think our business is done here. I’ll show you out.

Matt leads Rob and Jeff out the door.

INT. CITY HALL - SAME TIME

Matt - Well, I’ll see you guys later.

Matt walks away. Rob and Jeff walk out.

EXT. CITY HALL - SAME TIME

Jeff - Now what?

Rob - I don’t know. I figured our meeting would kill at least 2 hours, maybe 3. So much for that.

Jeff - Wanna go get some pizza?

Rob - Maybe. I just don’t know. I just feel like Matt really could use a good lay is all.

Jeff - And me?

Rob - Sure, sure. Whatever.

Jeff - Well, what do you propose?

Rob - Well, Matt claims there isn’t any hot women that go to the Muster, right?

Jeff - Yeah…

Rob - What if we could prove there were. I bet he’d go then, right?

Jeff - I guess.

Rob - No, I’m sure he would. Definitely.

Jeff - Well, what now, then?

Rob - To the muster grounds!

EXT. FIELD, LATER

Rob and Jeff survey the field. There are only a few onlookers and a mess of people setting up tents, no one in uniform.

Rob - Interesting. Figured there’d be loads of people here by now.

Jeff - Well, it isn’t for another like twelve hours.

Rob - True. Even still…

Jeff - Look, there’s a couple girls.

Rob - Good eye. Let’s go.

Rob and Jeff make their way over to a group of three girls, all of which are noticeably young.

Rob - Hey good looking.

The girls turn their head in unison.

Girl 1 - Who are you talking to?

Rob - Uh, you?

Girl 1 blushes. Jeff pulls Rob aside.

Jeff - Dude, they’re like fifteen.

Rob - Hmm, I wasn’t expecting this. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it. (to Girl 1) Excuse me, princess. But do you by any chance have a hot, older sister that may want to get lucky with the mayor of Jacksontown later today?

CUT TO:

Jeff and Rob being chased by three large men shouting.

EXT. PARK OUTSKIRTS – SAME TIME

Jeff - Now what? Can’t you call some girls from work?

Rob - Uh, no. Statutory, remember?

Jeff - Ah, yeah. What now?

Rob - Nick doesn’t know any girls, does he?

Jeff - No, I don’t think so.

Rob - Well, we could round up some strippers.

Jeff - Yeah. I mean, we could.

Rob - Ooh, I got it!

Jeff - Wait. Can we do something first?

Rob - What?

Jeff - It’s something I’ve never done and have always kind of wanted to do.

Rob - Well, what is it?

Jeff - I think you know.

Rob - Wha—no.

Jeff - Uh huh.

Rob - Dammit.

INT. LONG JOHN SILVER’S - MOMENTS LATER

Rob and Jeff are sitting at a table, baskets of food in front of them.

Rob - God. How do people eat this?

Jeff - C’mon. You have to try it.

Rob - I guess.

Rob lifts a piece of deep-fried seafood to his face. He sniffs it. Then takes a bite.

Rob - Hmmm. Not bad.

Jeff - See. I knew it would be good. So what’s your plan?

Rob - Ok. Apparently these actors, or whatever they’re called, get really into this reenactment, costumes and everything. We find a few of these outfits from the 1800s, hire a couple strippers, and boom!, this muster just got a bit more interesting.

Jeff - So, we’re going to bring strippers to the muster?

Rob - Yeah, but get them involved and everything. Get them some big, long dresses, maybe some hats. Oh! And some of those umbrellas that women use to block the sun.

Jeff - What about a Union/Confederacy dance-off?

Rob - You see? This is why we’re friends. You know exactly when to take something and bump it up a notch.

Jeff - Well, thanks. You gonna eat that hush puppy?

Rob - No, take it. So, anyway, we get these girls dancing if full regalia.

Jeff - What about music?

Rob - Hmm, good point. We want this to be authentic. They’re going to have to learn some moves to bugles, fifes and fiddles. We’ll have to talk to some of the musicians at the camp. Anyway, they’re up on the stage and I guess they know where to go from here.

Jeff - Full frontal.

Rob - Oh yeah.

They high five across the table.

Jeff - So, how do we get the costumes?

Rob - Hmm. Costumes are easy. We sneak into the camp late at night and take them.

Jeff - Steal them?

Rob - We’re not stealing. We’ll give them back. In fact, the strippers will throw them off.

Jeff - Right. Wow, this is a pretty good plan.

Rob - This is what I do.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME TIME

Nick sits nervously at a table with a short-sleeved button-down shirt and a tie, his hair slicked to one side with an unholy amount of mousse. Nick suddenly begins chanting, alphabetically, the states of the US.

Nick (mumbling) - Alabama…Alaska…Arizona…Arkansas…

The door opens, and a man, MR. CRAIG, enters. Nick stands.

Craig - Nick?

Nick - Hi…uh, sir.

Craig - Fantastic to meet you.

Nick - Yes…uh, you too.

Craig - Please, sit.

They do. Nick starts fumbling with his hands and before he realizes it is repeating states again under his breath.

Nick - California…Colorado..Connecticut…

Craig - Excuse me?

Nick - What?

Craig - Did you say something?

Nick - What? Oh, no. Nothing, sir.

Craig - You didn’t say Connecticut?

Nick - Oh, yes. I did say Connecticut.

Craig - May I ask why?

Nick (chuckling) - Yeah, well, when I get nervous I repeat the states in alphabetic order.

Craig - I see.

Nick - Ha, you know…California, Colorado, Connecticut?

Craig - Yes, I understand. Anyway, moving along…

Nick - Yes, let’s do that.

Craig pulls out a folder and sets it on the table.

Craig - Well, before I dig into your resume, I’d like to just get to know you a bit better.

Nick - Great.

Craig - Excellent. Now, tell me what you’ve been doing with yourself.

Nick - What, you mean like job-wise?

Craig - Well, or extracurricular. Hobbies, that sort of thing. You see, I like to gauge the personalities of potential new hires, to see if they’d be a good fit or not. And please be as open as possible. I want you to feel relaxed.

Nick - Oh, I get it. Well, I’m new to the area.

Craig - Oh, well welcome to our fair city.

Craig laughs and Nick appears uncomfortable.

Nick - Yeah, okay. I was working up near the capital before.

Craig - May I ask what brought you down our way?

Nick - Well, partly because I just wasn’t challenged at my job any more. But mostly because my friend got elected mayor and me and my other two friends vowed to quit whatever we were doing and mooch off him. In fact, we all sleep in his brother’s living room.

Craig - Oh. So you just up and quit like that?

Nick - Ha. It was actually pretty funny. I was working in this office, and between you and me (Nick leans in), they’re a bunch of faggies, and I really didn’t’ get along with anyone. I mean, my boss was always just hounding me to (using air quotes) do work and I’m all like whatever. You know?

Craig - I’m…not quite sure I-

Nick - I mean, there was this one little hottie. Great ass. Anyway, so my last day I ordered a dozen pizzas…wait, this is between you and me, right?

Craig - Yes but-

Nick - Great. So I put probably like a pound of weed on the pizzas and mixed it in and stuff and then gave it to everyone. They didn’t even know. Then I just never showed back up the next day. It was great. Ooh, and I totally never gave back my laptop. Shh.

Nick is wiping a tear away, laughing. Craig looks disturbed and opens up the folder and begins looking at his resume.

Craig (looking wary) - You worked there for how long?

Nick - Um…I think about four months.

Craig - You think?

Nick - Well, it only felt like an eternity, right?

Craig - And you just took off with no notice after…um…feeding them marijuana?

Nick (serious) - Basically, yes.

Craig - I guess I’m just confused.

Nick - About…

Craig - Per our phone interview. You stated you were in a management position for almost five years.

Nick - Well, I was using my fingers as quotes when we talked. But I was in charge of an intern for about three weeks.

Craig - Quotes?

Nick - You know, like this. (Nick demonstrates)

Craig - First of all, I fail to see how I would know you were doing that. But more importantly, how could you misconstrue three week of being in charge of an intern as five years of being a manager?

Nick - Well, we all lie a bit on our applications, don’t we?

Craig - No, we don’t.

Nick - Oh, come now.

Craig - Look, I was under the impression you would be a good candidate for our vice president of sales position. Apparently, you’ve wasted my time.

Nick - No, wait. I uh…you’re not going to call the cops, are you?

Craig - What?

Nick - It’s just, could you at least give me some business cards with my name on it? My friends kinda think I’m a loser.

Craig - Get out.

Nick - Can I have one of your cards?

Craig - Now.

Nick - A pen?

Craig - Okay, now I’m calling the cops.

Nick bolts from the room.

EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

Rob and Jeff are walking on the sidewalk.

Rob - Ok, this plan hinges on getting into that camp undetected tonight. We grab a few outfits, talk to some strippers, bim bam boom.

Jeff - We should probably scout out a good place for the stripping to take place, too.

Rob - Yes, perfect. We can work out all the details this afternoon. Before Matt gets home.

Just then a car honks. Rob and Jeff turn. The car pulls up alongside them. Nick is inside and he rolls the window down.

Nick - Hey guys.

Rob - Look who it is. Mr. I need a job. How’d it go?

Nick - I’ve done better. I’ve done worse. What are you guys doing?

Jeff - We just left Long John Silver’s.

Nick - What?! You went there without me? Why the hell didn’t you wait?

Some cars start honking. Nick looks in his mirror.

Nick - Hmmm. Better get in the car.

Rob and Jeff get in.

INT. CAR - SAME TIME

Nick - So what’s the plan for tonight?

Jeff - We’re going to sneak into the—

Rob elbows Jeff.

Rob (whispering) - We can’t have too many people wandering around camp.

Jeff (whispering) - But it’s Nick.

Rob (whispering) - He can’t keep a secret. Before long, Matt will know.

Jeff (whispering) - Ah.

Nick - You’re sneaking into what?

Jeff - Oh, you know, we’re, uh, sneaking into—

Rob - Church.

Nick - Church?

Rob - Yeah. My cousin, uh, just passed away and we’re going to head over there and, uh, say some prayers or something.

Nick - Why do you need to sneak in?

Rob - They usually lock the church up at night. You know, keep the homeless out.

Nick - Well, why don’t you just head over there now?

Rob - Nick, if we go now, there’ll be too many people. That’s just too many prayers at once. Even God can’t handle that many prayers.

Nick - Oh. Ok. Well, can I come?

Rob - Well, you know, there’s already two of us and you really only need two people to get the prayers out. It doesn’t work that well with three people.

Nick - Oh.

Rob - Yeah, it’s kind of weird like that.

Nick - Well, I could drive you guys there tonight.

Rob - No, I don’t think so.

Nick (hurt) - Oh.

Rob - I mean, no offense. But we need you…we need you to uh…(struggling)

Jeff - To help Matt.

Nick - Matt?

Rob - Yeah, Matt. He’s really down.

Nick - Because of your cousin?

Rob - Er, no. Well, sorta. I mean yes.

Nick - Aw, too bad. How did he know him?

Rob - Well, first…it was a her. Clarice.

Nick - How come I’ve never heard of her before?

Rob - She’s really my half-cousin. That sorta thing. Don’t talk about her much.

Nick (confused but satisfied) - Oh. And how did Matt know her?

Rob looks to Jeff.

Jeff - They used to be engaged.

Rob shoots an evil look to Jeff, who recoils.

Nick - What? Are you serious?

Rob (slumped) - Sure, yeah. They were engaged.

Nick - Jesus, why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?

Rob - Well, it’s complicated. Anyway, point is we need you with Matt. And you both need to stay as far away from us as possible.

Nick - As far away?

Rob - Yes. Far. Oh, and don’t talk to Matt about Clarice.

Jeff - Yeah, he doesn’t like talking about it.

Nick - Can do. Man, (thinking) I just never knew that guy hurt so deep.

Nick is lost and thought, Rob and Jeff look to one another confused.

EXT. CAMP, OUTSKIRTS - DUSK

Rob and Jeff are hiding in a bush looking onto a scattered camp of MUSTER ACTORS. Some are drunk, most are loud and fat, and a few still wear their costumes.

Jeff - I can’t believe you never told me about Matt and your cousin.

Rob (dumbfounded) - Seriously? You made that up, idiot.

Jeff (thinking) - Oh, right.

Rob - I made up some fliers for the funeral. Here.

Rob hands Jeff a flier for a funeral service.

Jeff - When did you have time to do this?

Rob shoots Jeff a look of discontent.

Jeff - Oh, right.

Rob - Okay, so are you ready?

Jeff - Um, what are we doing again?

Rob - Christ. Okay. See that big tent over there in the back?

Jeff (scanning the distance) - Yup.

Rob - That’s where they keep the costumes. When the last of these guys passes out, we’ll head over, grab a few of the women’s clothes and high tail it outta here.

Jeff - Then the strippers?

Rob - Yes, my friend. Then the strippers. I’ve already put a call in. They should be primed and ready to go.

Jeff claps his hands.

Rob - I’ll be damned if I let two of my best friends go without sex.

Jeff - Hey, what about Nick?

Rob - What about him?

Jeff - Shouldn’t we get him a girl too?

Rob sits and ponders for a moment.

Rob - No, he’ll be fine.

INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME

Nick is sitting on the couch watching COPS as Matt walks in, frazzled. Nick turns off the television and stands.

Nick (slowly, as if speaking to a child) - Hey…buddy. How you doing, big guy?

Matt (confused) - Fine.

Nick - You look…upset.

Matt - No, just a really bad day.

Nick - I know. I heard.

Matt - You heard what?

Nick - About your day. I’m here for you, man.

Matt - How did you hear about my day?

Nick - It doesn’t matter. The point is, I’m going to take you out tonight, get your mind off things.

Matt - Well, I could use a night out. Wait, where’s Rob and Jeff?

Nick thinks for a minute and hears Rob’s voice.

Rob (V.O.) - Don’t mention the funeral, asshole.

Nick - Uh, they’re busy. Just you and me tonight.

Matt - Okay, whatever. Let me get dressed.

Nick quickly jumps over the couch and wraps his arms around Matt before he has a chance to leave. The two stand, hugging.

Nick - You’re so brave.

Ryan comes in through the front door, seeing Matt and Nick hugging.

Ryan - Jesus Christ I hate you all.

Ryan turns and leaves.

EXT. CAMP, OUTSKIRTS

Rob and Jeff are standing behind some trees. They here one of the actors groan and pass out.

ACTOR - Ugh….

He slumps to the ground and the bottle he was drinking out of falls and shatters.

Rob - Ok, that’s our cue. Let’s go.

Rob and Jeff begin walking quietly throughout the camp. They approach the big tent that holds the costumes. Rob bends down to lift the tent up for Jeff to crawl under.

Rob - Ok, you go first.

He waits. Nothing happens.

Rob – Jeff?

Rob looks up. Jeff is standing there with his arms in the air. Next to him is a bearded old man, VERN, pointing an old rifle at him.

Vern - What do you boys think yer doing?

Rob - Uh, we were just taking a look around, that’s all.

Vern - What are ye, scouts?

Jeff - Scouts?

Vern - Don’t question me, boy.

Rob - Listen, sir, I’m sorry we woke you and everything, but we’re really just passing through and we—

Vern - Shut that mouth of yers.

Rob - I’m sorry?

Vern - I’m putting you in the stockade.

Rob - Stockade?

Vern (calling out) - Stan, Gill, look what I found.

Two more old men come come running up to Vern.

Gill - What is it, Vern?

Vern - I caught these two fellers wandering our camp. They look like Union sabateurs to me.

Rob - Sabateurs? Are you guys serious?

Stan - They sound like damn Yankees, too.

Jeff - Yankees? What the hell is—

Vern (putting his gun in Jeff’s face) - Shut yer mouth you Yankee yellow belly.

Rob - Ok, ok, I get it.

Jeff - What?

Rob (to Jeff, whispering) - It’s all part of the act. We must be in the Confederate camp. Just play along. (to the men) Ok, ok, you caught us. What do you want? Secrets? Troop positions? They’re right over there (Rob points to the other camp) about 100 feet away.

Stan - What you think we is, stupid?

Rob - Honestly?

Gill - We taking ‘em to the stockade?

Rob - What is this about the stockade?

Vern - Shut up, turn around, and walk.

Rob - Ok, guys, I think this has gone far enough—

Vern - Walk, boy.

Vern points his gun at Rob.

Rob looks to Jeff. They exchange worried looks.

INT. BAR - SAME TIME

Matt and Nick are sitting at a table, drinking some beer.

Nick - So, listen, I’m not going to pressure you or anything, but, anytime, if you want to talk about, you know, just let me know.

Matt - I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but thanks.

Nick - No problem, big guy.

Nick gives Matt a playful punch on the arm. Matt looks down to where Nick hit him. Then looks up and makes a face. They continue drinking.

Nick - So, you going to the muster tomorrow?

Matt - What, sit directly under the sun in the middle of August and watch a bunch of civil war freaks run around in blue and gray uniforms pretending to shoot each other? No thanks.

Nick - What do you say we do some shots?

Matt - Eh, I don’t know…

Nick - Come on.

Without waiting for Matt to answer, Nick orders two shots from the waitress standing nearby.

Nick - Just like old times.

The waitress brings them over.

Nick - To Clarice.

Matt - Who?

Nick takes his and Matt follows.

Nick (yelling to the waitress) - Two more!

Matt - Nick, I—

Nick - Quiet, we need this.

The waitress brings two more shots.

CUT TO: INT. BAR - A LITTLE LATER

Nick and Matt are obviously drunk. Stacks of empty shot glasses sit in front of them.

Nick - The thing is, we shouldn’t mourn when people die. We should celebrate their lives. Prayers? Ha! I say we drink!

Matt - Yeah…er…what?

Nick - Come on, let’s go over to the Civil War camps. I bet they got some stories to tell.

Matt - Yeah, let’s go round us up some rebel bastards.

Nick - Yeah!

Matt - Yeah!

The two struggle to stand up and then stumble out of the bar.

EXT. CAMP, OUTSKIRTS - LATER

Nick and Matt pull up and exit their car, drunk. They look around for a moment, confused.

Nick (finishing a thought) - And that is why I don’t typically eat ground beef anymore.

Matt (distracted) - Where did you say we were going again?

Nick - To find some wenches. You know, like those Shakespeare girls?

Matt (chuckling) - Oh, yeah. (pause) Wait, asshole. There ain’t no Shakespeare girls in the Civil War.

Nick - Hmm, I was afraid of this. You need to let her go.

Matt - Jesus Christ! Let who go?!

Nick - That’s right. Who. Good work. A little at a time, pal.

Matt - Seriously, I have no idea—

A noise is heard in the distance, startling Matt and Nick.

Nick - Uh, did you fart?

Matt - Yes, but that’s beside the point. Did you hear that noise?

Nick - Yeah, sounded like it was coming from over there.

Matt and Nick look to one another, then make their way to a grouping of bushes. Carefully, they peel back some leaves to find two strippers, TAWNY and DAWN lying quietly on the ground, kissing a bit and giggling.

Matt - What the hell?

Tawny - Hey there, boys.

Dawn - Yeah, hiya.

Nick (butting up front) - Wow. I mean, hi. I’m Nick.

Matt - What are you two doing down there?

Tawny and Dawn stand up to reveal that they are wearing no more than bikinis.

Tawny - Well, we got a call from a friend of ours and he was supposed to meet up with us.

Dawn (pouty) - Yeah, but he never showed up.

Tawny - So we decided to come and find him.

Matt - Yeah, but why were you down there—

Nick elbows Matt.

Matt - Right, doesn’t matter. Sorry to interrupt you.

Tawny - No, it’s totally cool.

Dawn - So, do you guys know Rob then?

Matt looks to Nick, ferociously.

Nick - But I thought they were at the funeral?

Matt - Nick, listen to me. What funeral?

Nick - I’m not really supposed to talk to you about it.

Matt - Who said?

Nick - Um…not Rob?

Matt - Jesus. Whose funeral?

Nick - I know this is going to be difficult, but your ex’s.

Matt (shocked) - Sammy?

Nick - What? No. Clarice.

Matt - Who the hell is Clarice?

Dawn and Tawny begin fondling one another in place.

Nick - Uh…what?

Matt (grabbing Nick’s face) - Who the hell is Clarice, Nick?

Nick - Rob’s cousin. The one you almost married and that I’m not supposed to talk about.

Matt (groaning) - Jesus.

Nick - Look, can we just talk about his later?

The girls approach Matt and Nick.

Dawn - Let’s have some fun.

INT. SHED - SAME TIME

Rob and Jeff are sitting in chairs, back to back, tied together. Vern is sitting in another chair with the gun in his lap. Stan and Gill are sitting at a small table with a bottle of whiskey.

Rob - Don’t you think you guys are taking this just a little too far?

Vern - What you mean by dat?

Rob - Well, for starters, this so-called stockade is nothing more than the equipment shed for the ball fields. There are all the bases. (Rob nods his head in the direction of the bases).

Vern - What are you, some kinda smart-ass?

Jeff - Well, what’s your plan then?

Vern - Plan?

Jeff - Yeah. What are you going to do with us? The muster starts in a couple hours.

Gill - We gon exchange you fo some our kin been take prizner by de yankee scum.

Rob - Was that English?

Gill gets in Rob’s face.

Gill - Was that? Wha? Boy, can’t ye understan me?

Rob - No, I can’t. Jesus. Look I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but the civil war ended 140 years ago. And for Christ’s sake, we use toothbrushes now.

Stan - We true Confederates and this domination by the central govanmet is going ta end.

Rob - Right…

EXT. SHED - SAME TIME

Matt, Nick, Dawn and Tawny are walking as a group and giggling.

Matt - I shall exercise my mayoral powers tonight! Yes!

Nick - Yeah, veto that!

Matt - What?

Nick - Nothing.

The girls giggle.

Tawny - Let’s go to that shed. Hehehehe.

They walk closer to the shed.

INT. SHED - SAME TIME

Rob - So the three of you plan on presenting us as prisoners at this morning’s muster in exchange for the federal government’s recognition of the Confederate States of America?

Vern - You catch on real quick, Yankee boy.

Rob - Right. Um, I don’t know if you guys have fully thought this through, but—

Just then Matt, Nick, Dawn and Tawny come bursting through the shed door.

Tawny - I want to put on the catcher’s mask and—

Matt - What the hell?

Rob - Oh, hey guys. Hey! You found Dawn and Tawny. Hi gals.

Matt - What’s going on here?

Jeff - Ooh, girls!

Rob - Nothing, really. But basically, these guys think the Civil War’s still going on, er summin, and plan on using us as leverage.

Matt - Oh, um…I see.

Rob - Wait, what the hell are you doing here? (to Nick) I thought I told you to keep Matt preoccupied!

Nick - Well, same goes for you. There never really was a funeral, was there?! You took my trust and smashed it into a thousand pieces, you bastard!

Vern (confused) - Uh, get over there with ‘em!

Vern shakes his gun at Matt, Nick and the girls and they move.

Tawny - So, is this not going down?

Dawn - I don’t mind group things, but it’s been a while.

Dawn and Tawny nod to one another, understandingly.

Rob (turned on) - Sweet…Jesus…(to Vern) Please, untie one hand?! Please, just one!

Vern - Shut up, you.

Matt (stepping forward) - Now look, gentleman. I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement.

Stan - What are you, the king?

Matt - Yes, that’s right. I’m the king.

Stan, Gil, and Vern stand in awe for a moment.

Matt - I am the King of the United States of America and you three should be ashamed.

Gil - Bow he does down, and we standin right anyway!

Everyone stops for a moment, confused.

Matt - Anyway, I am your leader. You must release us.

Stan - Sorry, sir, uh…sir king. We can’t let you go then until we get some sorta guarantee that, uh, you know…at least some of our demands be met. Right?

Matt - Fine, fine.

Vern - You see, uh, we just always sick of losin the battle here. I mean, it’s hard on our poor souls to never come out the victors. We always gettin blasted to pieces, sir.

Gil - Don nobody seeing anyway that we, nada them, ye done for.

Vern - That’s right, Gil. And no one ever really seein our side of the story, you know.

Rob - Well, gentlemen, I think this may be your lucky day, er night. I think I have a plan.

Matt - What?

Rob winks at Matt. Tawny and Dawn start making out and fondling one another again. Rob struggles relentlessly against his bindings.

EXT. MUSTER GROUNDS – MORNING

Matt, Rob, Nick and Jeff are standing amongst the crowd that has gathered for the muster. The Confederate Army rushes onto the battleground. After they have assumed positions, they look confused. The Union Army hasn’t arrived.

Matt - What’d you do?

Rob - I sent Dawn and Tawny over to the Union camp to churn some butter, if you know what I mean.

Matt - For the first time ever, I honestly don’t know what you mean.

Rob - They’re literally churning butter. It’s all I could come up with. But I figured if they did it naked, it would be a distraction and all the Union soldiers would forget what they were supposed to do.

Matt - Ah. Now I get it.

Jeff - Look.

Just then a Union soldier, in his underwear, appears on horseback with Dawn, wearing nothing but his blue overcoat and cap. He his waving a white flag and she is giggling. They ride off, back to camp. The Confederate soldiers cheer.

Matt, Rob, Nick and Jeff turn and start walking away from the park.

Jeff - I guess everything turned out all right.

Nick - Not quite. I still don’t know why you guys lied to me about your dead cousin.

Rob - Well, we couldn’t have you blabbing to Matt about what we were planning on doing. You couldn’t even stay away from the park as it was.

Nick - Stay away? We saved your lives!

Rob - That’s beside the point. The point is we tried to surprise Matt and you ruined it.

Nick - You’ve got to be kidding me.

Rob - That’s the way it goes.

NARRATOR - And so, with the Confederate Army’s victory at the annual Civil War Muster, our four heroes were set free from their captivity at the hands of Rebel fundamentalists in the equipment shed of the local ball fields. And legend quickly spread within Union circles about the generous hospitality provided by the city of Jacksontown.