Midwestern Gothic

Yes, posts have been sparse over the past month, but can you blame us? We all work corporate jobs and we procrastinate the hell out of our workloads and, as always, it comes back to bite us in our respected asses right before we take the last of our lumped vacay days. So, shut up and deal with it. Chances are, we’re going to be lacking on the updates until after New Year’s, so just get on with your life! (But please, oh please keep checking the site! Pretty please?)

That being said, and before you all go your separate ways and stuff yourselves into food comas as your crazy Aunt Faye drones on about interracial relationships and those evil Democrats, here’s a list of five holiday “un-gift” ideas that I implore you NOT to purchase. And if you already have…get ready for some awkward silences and uncomfortable stares.

What not to buy in no particular order:

1. Nut and bolt salt and pepper shakers - Jesus. Really? I guess these are aimed toward the resident “handy man” in your life, but if it’s really gotten to the point where this douche you know “needs” something like this, or you think it’s just really clever, then chances are you need to dump this person and dump them fast and reexamine your life. I don’t care if they’re family, friend, lover or other - give them the ax. Sure, they can work a table saw like you would not believe and yes, they probably bogard every communal conversation with tales of home construction projects gone awry that somehow manage to come out clean in the end (as they always do, right?), but seriously, this is lame. No one needs to know this guy. Learn how to hang a door yourself, it’s not that hard.

2. Sushi-themed pillows - Yes, that was not a misprint. Apparently the geniuses behind this product think it’s a great idea to fashion pillows into sushi rolls. Sure, I can see the novelty appeal of it, if I squint real hard, but other than that, who really gives a crap? I mean, personally, I love sushi. Butif I woke up to find my dried spittle clinging to a “flat California roll”, I’d be hungry and pissed my spit wasn’t clinging to an actual California roll. And fear not! They make an assortment of roll-, nigiri-, and appetizer-shaped pillows for the sushi aficionado in your life!

Oh, and here’s the first official commercial:

Now, if these pillows have the ability to conjure 3-4 Japanese men and women out of thin air, then this product may have just redeemed itself. Score!

3. Hillary Clinton nutcracker - Okay, I can sorta see how this might be amusing…maybe. Okay, fine. I can admit that seeing the usually uptight and helmet-haired Hillary cracking walnuts between her powerful thighs while wearing one creepy-ass grin makes me giggle a bit. I may not want to eat those nuts, but I’d be cheering her on every time.

4. Yodelling Pickle - Remember that stupid singing bass that was popular for like a minute ten years ago? I predict this thing is even more annoying and far more idiotic. A singing fish…fine, it was cute for a brief second and in the realm of unbelievability not the most unbelievable. But a pickle? And who likes yodelling? No one does. Ever. Not even the Swiss like it and it’s like their thing.

And what’s even worse is that the company behind this monstrosity is so serious about it. They begin:

Are you sick and tired of trying to convince a jar of pickles to yodel using melodious mind bullets and sheer force of will? So were we.

No one talks to pickles, dumbasses. Pickles are for eating, not having conversations with. Sure, maybe this product and the silly website is aimed at the geriatric or juvenile crowd, but do you really doubt the awfulness of this? Good. Stay away. Far, far away.

5. The Airzooka - I guess this is for those people who have always longed for there to be some sort of toy that combined the explosive power of a bazooka with the harmlessness of a gust of air. Well, here you go, idiots: the “Airzooka” is here to perpetuate your stupid dreams. Per the manufacturer:

The AirZooka is a very cool toy that shoots a harmless blast of air up to 40 feet.

Wow! 40 feet! I don’t even know where to begin. Really. How is this fun…at all? I mean, there is no part of this that sounds entertaining. If you need to be blasted by a puff of air, stand in front of a fan. Jesus.

And there we go, folks. This year’s list of my most hated products. Got any others I missed? Let me know.

Ciao and happy holidays.