Midwestern Gothic

In part two of a Midwestern Gothic special, Vote or Be Savagely Beaten, we decided that, instead of polling the soccer moms of the United States, a demographic saturating polls nation-wide, we’d tackle the opinions of two severely under-voiced demographics: Left-handed Tae Kwon Do dads and Toyota Camry-driving aunts. We followed a small group of these key voters for the entire year, from various economic and socio-political backgrounds, and our findings just might shock you.

The first group we examined was “Left-handed Tae Kwon Do dads.” This demographic started with a slight edge for Senator John McCain. However, in March, Senator Obama announced that he would support subsidies for all martial arts programs. McCain called this wasteful, stating that the most effective way to learn martial arts was to find yourself in the jungle surrounded by Viet Cong who want nothing more than to watch you fight Chuck Norris for your freedom. McCain’s sentiments found some support among a small group of tae kwon do dads, but the majority saw more promise in Senator Obama’s plan.

The polls shifted dramatically in June with rumors that John McCain was planning to select John Rambo as his running mate. The news world provided hourly reports for two months as crews kept cameras stationed outside Mr. Rambo’s home. When the rumor turned out to be false, the polls adjusted to their original porportions.

Things took another turn in October when left-handed tai kwon do dads realized that neither John McCain nor Barack Obama was dressing up as a tae kwon do fighter for Halloween. To make matters worse, reports circulated that Obama refused to give candy to anyone dressed in a martial arts costume. These were major campaign blunders and, unfortunately, took place very close to election day. As it happens, support for both Senators fell to record lows.

Support for the candidates tracks somewhat differently when we limit our scope to Toyota Camry-driving aunts. Among this demographic, there was very little support for either candidate during the early months of the campaign season. As these aunts began to pay more attention, support for both candidates grew. However, support for Senator Obabma really took off in May.

At this time, Obama had secured the Democratic candidacy and was photographed talking to Toyota Camry owner Tammy Finnegan. Via her blog, “I, Camry,” Tammy threw her support behind the Illinois Senator. Readers of the blog did the same. In early June, however, McCain supporters hacked into Tammy’s blog and inserted a doctored photo of Obama relieving himself on the leather interior of a brand new Camry Hybrid. Needless to say, all Camry owners, not just aunts, dramatically reduced their suppot for Obama.

The tables turned once again in July. Obama announced that his administration would ensure gas subsidies for Camry owners at a mimimum of $5,000 a month. Analysts thought this was steep, but campaign spokespeople reported a need to overcome the photo scandal. Not to be outdone, John McCain agreed to take part in a photoshoot for an upcoming Toyota-themed calendar. The photo accompanying August, showed the Arizona Senator in nothing but leopard print boxers sitting in the backseat of a 2009 Camry XLE. This pretty much negated Obama’s recent lead and threw the group’s support behind McCain.

As September rolled around, the calendar began to lose its effect and support for McCain cooled. Obama saw meager gains at this time when he announced he would include nieces and nephews in current child tax credits. It was a very tight race through the early autumn months, but then a strange thing happened. Camry-driving aunts quickly abandoned both candidates and threw full support behind write-in candidate Renny Harlin after TNT played Die Hard 2 three nights in a row. Shocking!

And there you have it: two of the most important, yet often ignored voting groups, and their views on the two candidates. Just how much will their preferences affect the outcome of this election? We’ll find out in a few days. But one thing is certain: candidates would be complete morons to ignore these crucial votes in future elections. Complete morons.

-Midwestern Gothic’s Matt & Rob contributed to this report.

In a Midwestern Gothic special report, Matt and Rob traveled across the country talking to student voters about the upcoming presidential election and their first opportunity to participate in electoral democracy. Here’s what they had to say:

COLLEGE PARK, Maryland (University of Maryland): Time to Barack-and roll

Junior Stephanie Goring finds herself easily distracted and utterly dumbfounded during this presidential season.

Stephanie Goring, a junior at the University of Maryland, is worried about paying for the next two years of college and the effect that the current economic situation will have on her future job prospects.

Goring, a 21-year-old with an “electric wit” (her words), has recently gone through the little savings she had from the mail route she’s been working since she was eleven, and worries that not having money will effect her inability to purchase things.

“I really don’t like paying for things,” Stephanie clarified. “So I really like Obama’s plan to bring down the price of college tuition. I think college should be free. That would totally Barack!”

When asked about how her decision has been affected by recent economic events, Stephanie had this to say: ”I definitely think Barack Obama has a much better plan for getting us out of this economic crisis. I think if Obama is elected president, there will definitely be more jobs available when I graduate than if that other, old guy is elected.”

The subject soon turned to Obama’s economic plan, and when asked what she specifically liked about it, she replied that she liked all of it.

“There’s really nothing I can point to as being more better than anything else. The whole thing just makes sense.”

We then asked her how, exactly, the plan made sense.

“Well, Obama’s all about creating jobs and I like that.”

We asked her how Obama plans to create jobs.

“Well, once he’s president he will be able to do that. He’ll have time to travel the country and talk to business owners about hiring more people.”

It kept going on like this until we gave Stephanie a copy of the new Us Weekly and she became distracted.

KNOXVILLE, Tennessee (University of Tennessee): Seriously we’re not gay.

College juniors Thurman (left) and Donaldson find themselves at odds with their decisions over who should be the next president, and their sexuality.

We caught up with Mark Thurman and Yancy Donaldson, juniors at the University of Tennessee, as they were leaving a leather accessories store. Mark supports John McCain while Yancy is backing Barack Obama.

“I keep telling this dufus over here,” Mark said coyly pointing to Yancy, “that Obama is completely the wrong choice on everything from health care to education. He wants to regulate, regulate, regulate.”

Yancy responded by saying McCain is too focused on success in Iraq to devote the time needed for America’s other problems.

“This cracker jack wants to elect Bush III to the presidency. Well, I say down with Bush! No more bush!”

After a short pause, Yancy added, “I mean the man, not the other kind…I’m not gay.”

We asked what each of them thought made their candidate stand out from the other.

“McCain’s a maverick,” declared Mark. “He hates both taxes and Wall Street bankers. He’ll fight for Main Street.”

Yancy responded: “Well, I grew up on Main Street.” (He did. We checked.) “And Obama has Main Street’s interests at heart. He’s about better schools and more health care. Those are things Main Street loves.”

We really felt we were getting nowhere with this so we ordered a couple rounds of beer and some shots of bourbon at the local pub. The two seemed to open up more after that.

“Obama sucks!” yelled Mark.

“No, no, no. McCain sucks!” Yancy retorted.

When a McCain ad played over the bar television, Mark stood up to clap. At that point, Yancy threw his empty glass at the screen, shattering it into pieces. Mark lunged at Yancy and broke his nose. We decided it was time to leave.

BRUNSWICK, Maine (Bowdoin College): If I vote, who will clean up after me?

College senior Jamal McDaniels, or “Pappy” to his friends, says the decision on whether or not to vote makes him physically ill.

Jamal McDaniels, a college senior at Bowdoin College double-majoring in Mathematics and Chicanery, finds himself going back and forth on whether or not to vote in the upcoming election, a decision which usually ends in him cradled around a toilet, vomiting up blood and bits of bile. He also cries a lot.

While the 39-year-old Michigan native opted to not vote in the previous four presidential elections, he has been berating himself ever since and has endured years of therapy to come to terms with his doxophobia.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to vote for the first Bush back in ‘88,” he said. “It’s just, I have this serious illness which prevents me from voicing my own opinion. You should see me when I go to a Taco Bell. It’s absolutely frightening.”

McDaniels, a well-liked man about campus, feels his anxiousness about voting is probably more common than most people think.

“No, you’re not listening to me. It’s not an ‘anxiousness’. I physically vomit if I try to make my own decisions or voice my opinion. I can barely function as a member of society. Is your tape recorder even on?”

While at first Pappy wouldn’t say who he was voting for, he later said: “Please, don’t make me choose! I can’t make a decision! Oh god…I’m going to be sick!”

He added: “Blargh.”

SAN JOSE, California (San Jose State University): Pwned


Sophomore Brian Kipling finds both candidates equally unqualified for the presidency.

At a local cyber café near San Jose State University called Cyberton, students enthusiastically talk about the upcoming World of Warcraft expansion pack, due for release November 13th.

“I just…god, I just can’t wait to get my blood elf Herghgar Posbum up to level 80. I mean…can you even imagine the possibilities? Pwnded!” said Brian Kipling, a sophomore and self-professed “video game sex god.”

When asked about the presidential election, Kipling became a bit more reclusive, slinking back in his chair and taking off his glasses, staring blankly.

“It’s not that I don’t like McCain and Obama,” he said, “It’s just, only someone with abilities like my level 60 Draenei mage Clac Thylsam could solve all of our problems.”

He added: “They’re just noobs. Stupid, human noobs with almost no magic abilities whatsoever. Can they even swing a sword? Shoot an arrow? Doubtful.”

We pushed Brian further, asking him if he had to choose between the two ‘human’ candidates, which would he select.

“Well, I mean, I’m planning on getting a job with Blizzard when I graduate, so I guess whoever of the candidates could make that happen…well, they’d have my vote. And I want a Ferrari and some beers and a live girl.”

Puzzled, we asked him to explain further.

“What the hell? Who is Bud Thim, and how did he kill me with Fingers of Frost? Are you seeing this?”

Exasperated, we pleaded with Brian to give us something as he began clacking on the keyboard.

“Look,” he said, not looking away from the computer screen and beginning to sweat, “I’d cast some sort of truth-telling spell on both candidates, and find out which one is lying. Then I’d vote for the other. It’s that simple. Interview over.”

After that episode, we decided to call it quits. These various voices indicate just how knowledgeable young people are about the election and how much their voice needs to be heard. These students give us hope for a bright future.

-Midwestern Gothic’s Matt & Rob contributed to this report.

Let’s just say the mute button gets some work in our household. Meaning not only for in-game interviews and sideline reporters’ conversations with coaches or managers devoid of any shred of meaningful information.

I’m not the only one who gets a little creeped out by the parade of military personnel doing their rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh inning of each World Series game. I long for the days of the simple seventh-inning stretch accompanied by “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” I like the levity that it brings to the ballpark, which is an entirely appropriate venue for such a feeling. I don’t need to be constantly reminded about the resulting military endeavors of our armed forces because of our militaristic government’s policies around the world. I would rather be able to decide on my own how to support our armed forces, and I would especially rather do it somewhere other than the ballpark. We already have the National Anthem sung at the beginning of every single contest - there appears to be no legitimate reason to have “God Bless America” for each of them as well. The “God Bless America” edict for the seventh inning stems from September 11, which was somewhat appropriate then. By now, only the New York Yankees still participate in this every game. Even the New York Mets don’t do it all the time (I believe that Major League Baseball still requires it to be sung all Sundays and holidays for every team), which certainly equals one advantage for the Mets if I, a New York City resident, were confronted with the decision of attending either a Yankees or a Mets game. In a frighteningly fascist move, the Yankees even took it a step further, by restricting movement during not only the National Anthem, but “God Bless America” too, totally disregarding the nature of the seventh-inning stretch. Inevitably, something like this was bound to happen.

Singing the National Anthem doesn’t get off scot-free with me either. Witness the travesty of Patti Labelle’s performance preceding game 4 on Sunday night. I am always appreciative of any singer, whether he/she be a big name star or just a local vocalist, who simply belts it out how it was written. I like our National Anthem - it’s short, sweet, and never sounds any better than how it was intended to be. Watch international soccer games, especially at the World Cup (watch every country’s, in fact; appreciate them all, not just ours) - it’s monumentally better when there is no individual singer butchering it, and the crowd can sing along and in turn get excited to root for their country. I just want to know why the folks in charge of singer selection keep rolling out these egomaniacs who have to put their own spin on the song. It’s the National Anthem, it’s not about you and how silly you can make it sound in your dumb reinterpretation. From where did this idea originally come? Who was the moron who started it? I want that person to pay dearly, even though that person is probably already dead. Too bad.

In general, I am bothered by all of this. I hate having things shoved down my throat, or being told how I have to observe respect. Thinking about this overload of nationalist zealotry in the form of music played at baseball games and how it came to be and still exists, I’d like to borrow a thought from our colleague at Linda Without Borders, and twist it slightly. Take the line “…once you wrap some nonsense in a religious cloak it becomes untouchable,” and substitute the word ‘patriotic’ for ‘religious.’ I wish the people in charge would see these things more lucidly.

Not according to some Virginia Civil War re-enactors. On September 27, a 73-year-old portraying a Union soldier was struck in the shoulder with a musket ball. Nobody is sure exactly what happened yet, but apparently investigators have been using film of the event to review what happened. They have their eyes on one individual as a suspect.

This story has extra meaning for me because my hometown, Jackson, MI holds its very own annual Civil War muster. It’s quite a scene. A bunch of crazy people run around in full Civil War uniform under the incredibly hot August sun pretending to shoot each other. At the same time, a larger bunch of insane spectators gather all around the “battlefield” under the incredibly hot August sun and watch these crazies run around pretending to shoot each other. And all the while, everyone thinks back to the pivotal battles that took place on Michigan soil. Wait a minute…

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. According to sources in the article, this act violates the cardinal rule of re-enacting - no loaded weapons. So, these people actually need a rule to state that? Interesting. That right there tells you the type of people you’re dealing with here. When people need to be explicitly told that they should not load the weapons they are leisurely firing at other people, then your organization is holding re-enactors to a low standard. Pretty soon, those low standards are going to attract the lowest of the low on the evolutionary scale. And we’ve just seen what happens then.

In the end, I hope they catch who ever is responsible. I mean, this thing can’t go unpunished. The upcoming Jackson Civil War re-enactment is the 25th anniversary of that most sacred event. People will be taking it extra seriously. Things could get out of hand. I’d hate to see this recent shooting as precedent for some wacko trying to sneak in some live rounds. Cascades park must not run red with the blood of idiots! The horror!

Way to show ‘em who’s boss, Chicago.