Midwestern Gothic

So, I stumbled upon a Jughead’s Double Digest the other day at the bookstore, (let me clarify, a new Jughead’s Double Digest, and it got me thinking: Why in the hell are these comics still being produced? Not only was there a new JDD on the rack, but there was, at least, another half dozen new Archie and Jughead-related comics nearby as well.

I’m pissed.

How culturally insignificant are Archie comics nowadays? Seriously, they are worthless and nothing about them ever was or ever will be funny. You see that cover? Just…dumb.

And thinking about how stupid Jughead’s hat is and how super-lame the jokes are got me thinking about other comics, especially newspaper comic strips. Why are they still around? We’re becoming an increasingly paperless society and while at one point each of those comics had troves of readers, I can only imagine readership of Prince Valiant in somewhere in the low teens, if that.

Now, I fervently believe that paper newspapers, no matter how few readers present, will exist in some fashion forever. There will always be a need for someone to pick up a paper on the street. But this still begs the question, how are these “artists” still making these comics? Seriously, they are not relevant. At all. Ever. At one time in history I can see the appeal of following the exploits of some hodgepodge assortment of zany characters, of a continuing and epic story that drew you in on a weekly basis. But these days? I can’t even tell you the last time I was excited to read the comics page. And the last time I did, I’m sure I tore up the pages in a fit of rage.

Don’t believe me on how far-removed from reality some of these strips are? Here’s a few of the “best”:*

1.) Cathy

Wow. Why would I want to read about a miserable, frumpy thirtysomething who can’t seem to find love, hates her job, and has an apparent obsession with chocolate. I do not see the merit in this strip nor can I find any reason that it should have ever existed. Ever.

2.) Tank McNamara

I just…I don’t even get this. Do you? I mean, I guess Tank is supposed to be a “witty” sportscaster, but…really? This is what you got? Nothing about this is good/funny/enjoyable. I want the sour taste that washed up my throat after reading this to depart. Now, please.

3.) Doonesbury

Now, anyone who knows me should know by now the disdain I have for this strip. While not my most hated comic strip, it definitely ranks high. It’s supposed to be political and savvy, and Slate.com is apparently a big fan, but I just don’t like it. Not even sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that all of the characters’ noses resemble erections, or maybe it’s just the bad, unapologetic writing. I’m not sure.

4.) Hagar the Horrible

I used to love Hagar when I was a kid. And, thinking about it now, I’m not exactly sure why. He’s a drunk, a poor excuse for a soldier, and seems to be abusive to his wife on most occasions. In fact, in the realm of insignificance, I would have to say this ranks near the top. A Viking? I mean, who cares, right? What’s he done lately? Oh, that’s right, the same thing. He goes to visit that stupid cloaked wizard, he gets drunk, he sometimes pillages and rides his stupid boat, and he, at all times, annoys me.

5.) Mary Worth

Really? This is what you have to offer, Mary Worth? I mean, she’s old, the comics aren’t funny by any stretch of the imagination and…I dunno. If I wanted to get lectured, I’d call home. I don’t need some stupid 2D granny giving me a guilt trip about planting trees. In fact, I hate all “realistic” comic strips like this. God. Is there anything good about this one…at all?

6.) Family Circus

Haha! S-T-U-P-I-D!

This one tops my list on all accounts. I hate this comic almost more than I hate elderly drivers. I truly cannot understand who would like this comic and why it was ever, ever picked up. How is this guy talented? How is he an artist? Does he really think he’s better than me? I mean…seriously, this is the worst. I can hardly think of anything worse than reading this comic.

See what I mean, though? These are just a small fraction of the comics existing that need to be wiped from the planet ASAP. They just do not make sense and I hate them.

Thoughts?

Ciao.

*I do not claim to own the rights to any of these strips, nor would I…ever.

I’ve had difficulty the past few years in selecting appropriate attire for Halloween. It’s a bit of an all-or-nothing proposition in my book. Ideally, I’d like to have a wonderful topical and/or thematic costume that most people would recognize and on which they would compliment me. However, when drawing a blank as the occasion arrived the last few years, I’ve scrapped the entire plan to dress up. Fortunately, I managed to avoid being the only moron without a costume (I think it’s shameful to be that person) by finding a couple fellow unadorned friends and/or acquaintances with whom to party, or avoiding the party scene altogether, like last year, when Halloween was on a Wednesday (I felt the need to mention that to indicate that I wasn’t being a square and skipping the weekend Halloween fun).

This year, as Halloween approached, I was racking my brain again, trying to summon an acceptable collection of items in which to clothe myself for the big day. In earlier years, I had considered the possibility of scavenging at a thrift or second-hand store to find inspiration. In 2002, in fact, this is exactly what I did. I was able to procure some tight blue polyester disco-looking pants, an African-patterned tunic-type shirt, and a big afro from a second-hand store with a great selection of these items. I also found a really awesome big and shiny pair of sunglasses. I did all this after being persuaded to check out the place by a friend of mine who worked there, come to think of it, probably because I was stuck with the same costume block that I’ve had in subsequent years.

So without conjuring any plan for a full costume in an appropriate time frame, I reminded myself of the success I had that year. Concurrently, my brain noted the existence of discount second-hand stores around my neighborhood, most especially the Salvation Army thrift store on Manhattan Avenue just an 8-10 minute walk from the crib. I took a trip there on the Wednesday of the upcoming Halloween weekend. When I arrived, I considered the advantages of selecting one’s costume at this type of establishment: there are endless combinations of items, allowing you to create your own or emulate a theme you have seen; there are countless possibilities in pants, shirts, jackets, hats, shoes and more; and the stuff is as cheap as it gets. You might have to screen a few of the things you want for suspect smells or stains, but it’s a negligible drawback in the whole scheme of things. As with any reputable garment vendor, there are available mirrors, albeit hidden away and not in a dressing room, so trying on pants is out of the question unless you are quite immodest. However, this is another minor problem, as the adventure involved with selecting one’s items is half the fun in the process of creating the ensemble.

The first rack I looked upon closely during this trip was men’s coats, as in dinner jackets, blazers, sports coats, and what-have-yous. I concluded they had a fine untapped selection at this establishment as I thumbed through a number of jackets colorful and plain, corduroy and linen, patterned and solid, 60’s-accented and 70’s-accented - you get the picture. I began to formulate an idea in my head as I was successfully trying on a minimalist brown corduroy sport coat. I hopped over to an adjacent aisle, found a ragtag basket of assorted hats and picked through a few of them until I found a lightweight, small-brimmed women’s sun hat. I tried it on in front of the mirror, and felt things were coming together. As I turned around on my way to examine the pants, I had barely finished rotating before I was confronted with a rather extensive collection of white and off-white tropical-weight slacks. I was undeterred that this was the women’s pants rack, as I absolutely convinced myself that I could withstand any minor complications a pair presented since I thought they would be the right choice. I settled on a 3/4-length pair in a size made for a big girl, but which were equipped with a handy drawstring. On a lark, I went back to the hat basket, and dug further. I found exactly what my outfit beckoned: a wide-brimmed, heavy cotton sailor’s hat with an adjustable cord.

I was proud of the job I had done. As if to approve of my efforts, I received a cosmic sign in the form of being informed at the register that all items in the store were 50% off that day. My total was a mere eight dollars, give or take a few cents. Though I considered going shirtless, I borrowed a ribbed sleeveless tank top from Linda to complete my appearance once I returned home.

I urge everyone to consider patronizing the nearest thrift store when confronted with this dilemma for Halloween. I know I will end up there many more times in the future.

My Halloween costume:

Do I even need to write an intro for this? I spent a good part of my childhood tuning into TGIF specifically to watch Full House, and I rue the day that someone comes along with a better tune than Uncle Jesse’s “Forever”. Seriously, it cannot be topped.

I suggest putting this song on:

a.) When you have a date over at your place
b.) When you’re hosting a dinner party, to get things “interesting”
c.) When you’re all alone and feeling sad/happy/content/bashful/intrigued/bi-curious/etc.
d.) Basically whenever you find yourself in need of a dollop of Jesse-love
e.) Every moment of every day

Enjoy:

Ciao.

We here at MG love our Spam (both the meat and the junk mail varieties).

We are also (well, I am, at least) a big fan of John Hodgman, the guy from the Daily Show and from those Mac vs. PC commercials. His humor is incredibly absurdest, and I just think he’s flat-out hilarious.

Well, I never thought I’d see these two topics converge, but they have. Oh, my friends, they have.

I present: SPAMasterpiece Theater (courtesy of BoingBoing.net)

Enjoy.

Ciao.