Midwestern Gothic

It kind of rhymes with Good Morning, Vietnam, right?

Anyway, for those of you who may not be in the loop, just wanted to let you know that I will be moving to South Korea, specifically the city of Incheon, this week to teach English to a bunch of unruly highschoolers.

For the moment, I plan on keeping Midwestern Gothic going (assuming we all have time to keep the posts coming) and I hope you keep coming back to read. I apologize for the decline of posts as of late - we’ve all been between jobs, houses, moving situations, etc.

In the meantime, though, you can check out my new site (www.robertjamesrussell.com) that’ll catalog my day-to-day activities in the “Land of the Morning Calm” - which is what they call it. It’s not much yet, but I promise to really work on it hard when I get there and get settled.

Ciao and keep on keeping on!

I really like Germany. I like the country, the beer, the people and the language. I’ve been there a couple times and I’d never hesitate to go back if I possessed adequate funding. However, the country is hardly perfect. First, and most important of all, is weisswurst. I mean, how can anybody eat something like this:

Yikes. I shudder just thinking about it. Coming in at a close second is this bit of news:

BERLIN, March 13 — Americans with PhDs beware: Telling people in Germany that you’re a doctor could land you in jail.

Wait, what?

At least seven U.S. citizens working as researchers in Germany have faced criminal probes in recent months for using the title “Dr.” on their business cards, Web sites and resumes. They all hold doctoral degrees from elite universities back home.

Under a little-known Nazi-era law, only people who earn PhDs or medical degrees in Germany are allowed to use “Dr.” as a courtesy title.

Nazi-era? That was over 60 years ago. And I’m pretty sure it was associated with some pretty bad things. I think it’s time to move on Germany, don’t you think? But at least they can have a sense of humor about some things:

The proper use of honorifics is no small matter in Germany, a society given to formality where even longtime neighbors insist on addressing each other using their surnames. Those with advanced degrees like to show them off, and it is not uncommon to earn more than one. A male faculty member with two PhDs can fully expect to be called “Herr Professor Dr. Dr. Schmidt,” for example.

Haha, “Dr. Dr.” That is pretty funny. Oh wait, they’re serious? Man.

I think this is going a little too far even by German standards. Locking people up because of Nazi-era laws? That is so twentieth century. And early twentieth century at that. Do we really want to revisit things like this:

Anyways, read the entire article here.

Ha, the title’s a pun (in reference to the supplements the post is about) - get it?! The other title I was working with was “Fu*#ing Airborne!”

I think I chose wisely.

Anyway, it appears that all the naysayers’ naysaying has indeed been accurate this whole time. Seems the herbal supplement known as Airborne, invented by a teacher and supposedly a cure-all for germs the world over, is nothing but a fraud and is now settling a $23.3 million lawsuit. Says this article:

“There’s no credible evidence that what’s in Airborne can prevent colds or protect you from a germy environment,” said CSPI Senior nutritionist David Schardt. “Airborne is basically on overpriced, run-of-the-mill vitamin pill that’s been cleverly, but deceptively, marketed.”

Damn it all, Airborne!

Now, what I’m really mad about is that I actually fell for it. I’m not that gullible, most of the time, and I definitely do not believe everything I hear and/or read. But I’ve been hearing from people I know in form or another over the last four years about how wonderful Airborne is and how fantastic it’s been in elevating colds/etc. Why would they lie?

Granted, I now realize the fizzy pills were nothing more than placebos and that the pscyhological effects of said placebos are far-reaching, but still…all those little $15 vials I bought? Damn it all. And just for reference, no, I have not saved my receipts - so no refund for me.

And now I’m beginning to question that anti-snore gel I’ve been taking nightly since I was thirteen…it probably doesn’t work either…

::sigh::

Ciao.

UPDATE: Thanks to Nick for pointing this out to me. Apparently you can claim up to six vials with no receipt. Check this site out for a form you can fill out. We must unite!

Yesterday, a Lincolnshire, Illinois man landed his small, twin-engine plane on the Crane’s Landing Golf Course attached to the local Marriott Resort.

“Wow!” you say. “Whatever was the matter with his plane?”

Nothing, nothing was wrong with his plane. He landed the plane abruptly:

so his teenage son would not be late for a tennis lesson, CBS station WBBM-TV in Chicago reports.

Jesus. The son of the idiot in question, Robert Kadera, the boy in the plane, went on to say:

the house was hectic Saturday and time slipped by, so [we] figured driving to tennis in Lincolnshire from Lake Villa would have taken too long.

Yeah, sure, that’s logical. First mistake? Listening to your stupid-ass son. And sure, traffic might’ve been bad. It’s a very real possibility. And unlike normal and somewhat intelligent men and women who would just leave a bit early with this in mind, he chose to drive to the airport, fuel the plane, start it up, taxi on the runway, fly to the golf course, hope no one was playing a round, land, and escort the kid to tennis lessons. Yeah, you picked the quick way alright. Idiot.

And the best quote of all?

Kadera said he did not think he’d draw as much attention as he did. He quipped that perhaps he should have taken a hot air balloon or a helicopter so he might have been less conspicuous.

HAHA. WOW, HE’S SO FUNNY! Please, oh please tell me there isn’t anyone dumber than this man on the planet. He just has to be at the bottom. I don’t know if I can handle the thought of there being someone dumber than him. Seriously…

Check out the article here and gawk at living, breathing stupidity.

Ciao.

Recent news out of New Jersey has added fuel to the debate about abolishing the penny. Twenty-nine students were recently punished for using pennies to purchase $2 lunches. Our panelists offer their own ideas on whether it’s time to ditch the lowest piece of U.S. currency once and for all.

Matt: Pennies are a waste of time. And this story from New Jersey only proves that point. One of the complaints was that the students were holding up the line. I think it’s about time we made life much more simpler for everybody and just got rid of this stupid piece of metal. Last I knew, it cost more to manufacture the damn thing that it’s worth. Who can honestly say they don’t get somewhat peeved when they are handed pennies as change? They only end up in some jar or mug on some dresser and are never heard from again. I call that a waste of time, resources and valuable dresser space.

Rob: First and foremost, let’s point out the ginormous mistakes of the establishment in question, here. They’re offering two-dollar lunches to college students. What the hell do they think is going to happen? It’s like wearing tight pants to work and NOT getting eye-fucked by all your co-workers. Jesus.

Second, who even has dresser’s nowadays? Huh?!

Matt: Hmm. That’s a very interesting point about the dressers. I must say I had not given it much thought. I used to have a dresser and then one day I found that I didn’t use it anymore. I moved to a new apartment and realized, “Hey, I don’t even have a dresser anymore.” I’m worried there’s more to this mystery and something terrible is going to happen. Now look what you’ve done. You’ve got me all flustered.

Rob: Once again, Matt has lost point of the issue at hand. Pennies. Can you honestly say your life would be better without them? Huh? I mean, think about all the piggy banks the world over that would go hungry. Giant fake pencils and fake coke bottles that you put your change in. I mean, 85% of those badboys has got to be pennies. You’re saying to just throw all those dreams away? Pennies are dreams, Matt.

Matt: Don’t you see? This is exactly what I’m saying. People have put their faith in pennies for way too long. Anyone who puts their dreams in pennies is a schmuck. First, you really think throwing pennies down a well or into a fountain is going to help you? I think not. Second, are your dreams really worth only $.01? People, realizing our dreams takes effort and a whole lot more money. Take the other day for example. I woke up after dreaming I was eating a Milky Way candy bar. To make that, one of the most simple dreams possible, come true, would already cost $1 in most localities. A penny buys nothing, real or dreamed.

Rob: But put together a hundred or so of those little “dreams” and you can make yours reality. You could’ve had that deelish Milky Way melt in your mouth and you could’ve been so, so happy.

Matt: Um, the U.S. Mint has already put a hundred of those together for me. It’s called the $1 bill. And I can use that $1 bill to buy the delicious Milky Way. And carrying around that $1 bill is infinitely easier than carrying around one hundred pieces of zinc and copper. And paying with that $1 bill is…well, you get the idea. It appears you have done nothing but make my point for me. Kudos.

Rob: Man, whatever happened to the Kudos candy bar? Still around?

Anyway, look. Problem with dollars is you spend them faster. Got a dollar in your pocket? Nope, it’s already gone!

See? Pennies, though, they’re here for the long haul. Like America, they are an amalgam of different things (zinc, copper, alloys, etc.) brought together for a common good. And they live in harmony. Zinc are white people. Copper are the Native Americans. Etcetera. Pennies ARE America, Matt. Get rid of Pennies and stick with your “dollar bills” and you might as well chant “Homogeneous is the only way!”

Matt: Because the first sentence of your response is the only thing that makes any sense, I’ll address that. Yes, Kudos bars are still around. And you definitely can’t get them for a penny.

Rob: Well, I guess we’re going to have to agree on that last part. I don’t know what’s in store for the little guy, but if it were up to me, Pennies would be the dominant currency in America and I’d have a pet bulldog named Bumps.

So, I bought a Russell Stover chocolate marshmallow Easter bunny treat tonight, and boy oh boy was I in for a shocker. I mean, you trust a name like Russell Stover, right? RIGHT?!

Now look at the picture and tell me if you do…

Jesus! Seriously, what is that? Look like two rabbit ears plastered to a pair of chocolate balls. And, as you can see from the wrapper on the left, the treat looks NOTHING like the cute little rabbit.

What the hell, Russell Stover?

What the hell indeed.

Ciao.