that co-worker: loud noises person
how to spot a lnp: an lnp is probably one of the easiest co-workers to recognize. this is obviously because they make loud noise that makes you want to strange them. here are some possible things that they might do to enrage you:
- talking loud.
- whistle at a decibel level which you can hear all the way down the corridor away from your cube where their office is located.
- walking around the office smiling at everyone as they make more loud noises.
- likewise, walking around the office doing number 3 and saying hello to everyone they know.
- sending out emails with sentences that contain all caps.
why it’s annoying: some people have the natural born talent (it cannot be taught) of being able to complete any assignment given to them no matter what is going on around them. the rest of us need some quiet as we work on highly detailed stuff. that doesn’t mean to say that we need it all the time just sometimes. and that is why a lnp is annoying because they can never, ever be quiet.
what you can do to stop a lnp: a word of note before you try any of the tactics below to stop a lnp, you need to be sure the victim co-worker is truly a person who is a lnp. if not obviously the consequences of the tactics are irreversible and you might have actually lost an ally to fight the lnp. so without further ado, how to stop the lnp(s) in your office:
- headphones and some good music. this is for all you confrontation avoiders out there.
- stalling on doing work until the lnp goes to a meeting. this option will only work if the lnp is an
i-think-i-am-important-higher-up-run-the-company-personexecutive. if you are unsure as to what an executive is they probably have an officeand are full of shit. stay tuned for a column about executives coming soon. - move to the other side of the office. this is drastic and hard to explain to your manager why you need to move away from your team.
- ask the person to be quiet while you are working hard. they won’t understand and will start making loud noises again 30 seconds after you leave.
- walk up and slam their door shut.
- ask the local high school band to come over to the address of the lnp at 4:30 am on saturday morning and play the fight song 3 times.
- put a mickey in his drink.
To further expand upon this great subject, I’m adding an additional “How to spot” and “What you can do to stop”:
How to spot a lnp:
f. They might ask rhetorical questions out loud when they are frustrated with a task, such as “Welllll hooow am I supposed to do (x) if (y) won’t do theeeeeir part? Last time I checked, I didn’t get paid to do (x) so why am I supposed to do it now?” No one is in their cube.
What you can do to stop a lnp:
h. Answer their question out loud. “Well Jim, the reason you’re supposed to help out in this situation is a little thing called TEAMWORK. If you want to wait until (y) does (x) then go right ahead, but you’re really saving yourself and the team some time by just doing the goddamn thing instead of talking out loud to no one in particular about why you aren’t willing to do it. You’re worried you’re not getting paid. Okay, how much do you make? $50k per year? Okay, here you go (throw him two dollars). You make about two dollars per five minutes, so here’s a couple bucks, just do the damn thing!”