Midwestern Gothic

Congrats to our very own Nick and his sweetheart Lindsay on the engagement!

(Note: This is not Nick and Lindsay - It’s the only engagement photo I could find.)

Let’s assume for a moment, dear readers, that you don’t follow the news.

Mitt Romney, the Republican Presidential hopeful, has been shouting from the rooftops about his Mormon faith recently, trying his damnedest to prove to all of his would-be voters that whatever religion he is doesn’t matter because, “the President will need prayers from all religions”. Yes, he actually said that. And true, we do need to adhere to a little thing our forefathers setup about keeping religion and government separate, for the good of everyone, but really…he’s bringing even more attention to it instead of detracting from it. Way to go, dumbass.

So, this has been getting me thinking about the Mormon faith and then today I was kindly pointed to a video that’s “banned” from the Mormon Church and at one time was used to instruct Mormons on the history of their religion.

In recent years, thank you Warren Jeffs, the Mormon Church has tried to ostracize themselves from these extremist “sects” and they’ve tried hard to characterize themselves as a legit religious outfit. Now, again for the record, I’m not one to make fun of a religion (scientology doesn’t count and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever capitalize that word), unless of course said religion is deserving of a lambaste (see my post on Jehovah’s Witnesses here). I personally have extended family that are Mormons and I’ve attended my fair share of Mormon services while growing up and I can say that most of these people, besides having the usual character flaws all us humans have, they were decent and normal people.

Which brings me back to this fantastic video which deals with the origins of mankind as reported by the “prophet” Joseph Smith - the founder of Mormonism. Now, I’m going to post the video below so you can all watch and laugh and cringe and get angry and hit things, but I’d like to point out the main points first, so you can be prepared (oh and btw, I could NEVER make anything this outlandish up):

1. There’s virtually trillions of planets scattered across the galaxy and they’re ruled by countless gods who once were human like us.
2. One on of these planets, a”spirit child” was conceived and called Elohim. He was hailed as a god on this planet and was married to lots and lots of women.
3. Through “endless celestial sex” Elohim produced billions of “spirit children” with his many wives.
4. The head of the Mormon gods called a fairly decent sized meeting many years later to discuss what to do with these “spirit children”. Elohim’s eldest sons, Jesus and Lucifer, where there and were most definitely double-dipping.
5. They decided to “build” planet Earth and send the “spirit children” there and to have them take mortal bodies.
6. Lucifer got pissed as his “bid” for savior of Earth was lost to his good-for-nothing loafer brother Jesus. One-third of the “spirit children” vowed to join Lucifer in a revolt against Jesus and became demons and were forever cursed to not have physical bodies. Uh-oh…
7. Those “spirit children” who took no side in the fight…wait for it…were “cursed to be born with black skin”. The “spirits who fought valiantly against Lucifer” became white-skinned people on Earth. Ugh…
8. A thousand years later, Elohim came to Earth from his “starship” to have sex with the virgin Mary so he could present his son Jesus with a mortal body.
9. After Jesus’ resurrection, he came to America and preached to the Native Americans, who the Mormons believe are the “real Israelites”. By 421 A.D., the Native Americans had finished battling a race of white-skinned people in America who had written their history down on gold tablets and buried them, found later by…drumroll…Joseph Smith.

And yeah, there you go, folks. Just the beginning of the absurd history of Mormonism. Normally I’d go on a tirade right about here, but I can’t. I just can’t. As silly as Jehovah’s Witnesses appear to be, Mormonism is resting on a whole other echelon and quite frankly, I don’t even know where to begin!

So sit back and digest these points (and enjoy if you can) and get ready for some seriously whacked out crap:

Ciao.

What a day for movie trailers! I mean, first the Sex and the City trailer (seriously ::barf::) and now Speed Racer.

Now, I never really got into this cartoon myself. In fact, it kinda annoyed the piss out of me. I know I have a short attention span at times, but man, oh man! Speed Racer was like that kid in your middle school class with ADD who was always eating Jolly Ranchers and Pixie Stix.

Now, if you don’t remember clearly because you were too busy spending your youth loading up on Pop Rocks and cola, here’s the intro to the cartoon:

And I have to say, as indifferent as I am to the original, this movie looks pretty badass. It was directed by Andy and Larry Wachowski (of the Matrix films), and while the last two in that trilogy blew unholy chunks, something about Speed Racer just looks right. It looks trippy and poppy and oh, so fun. I must warn you, though: anyone with a history of epilepsy will probably want to turn away now. Seriously.

John Goodman should be proud.

Ciao.

I don’t particularly care for REM, but those lyrics seemed appropriate. Anyway, you may recall way back when I preemptively reviewed the Sex and the City movie (find it here). I stand by my affirmation that this will suck.

That being said, the trailer for this most-loathed film debuted today. Wanna see it? I thought not. But just in case, here you go:

Okay, okay. So this isn’t the actual trailer, but this is the one I prefer, especially after sitting through the real one (I want that fifty seconds of my life back!). And who knows, maybe I’m just so, so wrong and this will be the greatest film of 2008. Doubtful, but stranger things have happened. Prove me wrong, Carrie Bradshaw! And that tagline: “Get Carried away”? Jesus. Is that real?Check it out for yourself here.

See? Told you. End of the world, folks. It’s only a matter of time before the bloated housewives and nutjob femmes start droning around the office again about the “girls’ latest adventures” or whatever. ::barf::

Ciao.

Stop the presses everyone! Something else has just been identified as contributing to global warming. What is it now, you ask? Divorce.

Divorce is not just a family matter. It exacts a serious toll on the environment by boosting the energy and water consumption of those who used to live together, according to a study by two Michigan State University researchers.

You mean, you had to do research to conclude that people living apart use more energy? I could have told you that without collecting any data. The National Academy of Sciences could have given me 1% of what it paid these researchers and the world would have been told the exact same thing.

Their paper, published yesterday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, also found that if the divorced couples had stayed together in 2005, the United States would have saved 73 billion kilowatt-hours of electricity and 627 billion gallons of water in that year alone.

Whoopty-do. So everyone who wants to get divorced should stop and think about what they might do to the environment? Nevermind that parents who are constantly angry and irritated with each other have a negative effect on their children. Nevermind that these children might grow up thinking that relationships are nothing but a burden on everybody and should be avoided. The important thing is that we do all that we can to conserve energy. Let’s be miserable in the name of the environment!

I’m well aware that the MSU researchers are probably not proscribing that nobody get divorced. But then we’re back to my original criticism: why do this study in the first place? If the environment should be of minor consideration when deciding to get a divorce (and I think it should be the most minor of considerations), then these researchers have added little value to anything. Note to NAS: do call the next time you want to throw funds around. I’m cheaper by the hour and my final report will use much less paper.

Here is the full article.

Code Red, folks. Forget AIDS and the droves of folks suffering from undernourishment, and put any and all civil wars out of your mind. This morning Matt pointed me to this article that highlights the global helium shortage that’s been plaguing us silently.

The article begins:

While people have been complaining about rising fuel prices, another type of gas shortage has slipped up on them. A global helium shortage has been evolving for a year, the product of increased demand and low production.

Oh god, no! No more high-pitched voices and whippets!

But seriously, I want to know who the hell besides clowns, magicians, and the occasional weird uncles purchases helium in such quantities as to warrant a worldwide shortage. Seriously, is there some secret sect of clown mages that ritualistically perform balloon tricks on the grandest of scales, building balloon-cities and crafting balloon-people for nefarious reasons? And, if this is the case, why haven’t I been invited? It sounds badass. This sort of balloon-fest, if it did exist, should be opened to the masses.

Anyway, who cares, right? Well, there are less amusing uses of the gas:

The lighter-than-air gas actually is put to more serious uses, from launching the space shuttles to cooling MRI machines to making flat-screen TVs, but helium suppliers say it’s the lower-priority balloon businesses that feel the pinch.

Exactly. I mean NASA can most definitely afford a price increase of 47% (the average). Jesus, they effing fly to the moon! But these lower-tier hoopleheads…they’re the ones who apparently gotta watch out. The article goes on to mention a few proprietors who use helium to “wow” (what’s the opposite of sold out?) crowds. For example, we have Greta Bridges, owner of Bridges Brite Ideas in Florence, Alabama:

Bridges, a balloon artist, has seen the cost of helium tanks rise from $18 last year to $38 this year. She charged 75 cents for an 11-inch latex balloon in 2006. Now customers pay $1.25.

Who the hell is paying 75 cents for a balloon animal? I can recall with a great deal of clarity that the only times in my childhood I had a balloon animal were when they were given out for free at a fair or church picnic. If I would have asked my parents to buy me one, they would have been like: “Um, why?” - and with just cause. Balloon animals are stupid. Really, really stupid. The balloon-shapers make giraffes and dogs (they all look the same anyway) and then you get home later that day and the stupid neon-colored thing just sits there, shrinking slowly over the next few hours and withering so it eventually looks like when you put a hot dog in the microwave for too long. Then you just pop them to scare your friends/siblings/parents and forget you ever had them. STUPID!

And apparently helium gas will be gone in ten years. So, I advise you, dear readers, if you have any parties planned from now until then, get it while you can. Because Jesus H. Christ I’d hate to see the riots that’ll form at party stores and markets when there’s but one last helium tank and forty to fifty angry middle-aged, white-trash moms vying for it to appease their screaming child(ren).

Think about that.

Ciao.