Where in the world is D.B. Cooper? Answer: Who cares!
Now, for those of you who don’t know, D.B. Cooper (police sketch below) was an infamous “skyjacker” who boarded a Northwest flight from Portland to Seattle and commandeered the plane after claiming to be in possession of explosives. He demanded $200,000 and four parachutes from authorities (which he received), and steered the jet toward Mexico, bailing out somewhere over the forests of southwestern Washington. Oh, and this all happened in 1971.
Cooper was never caught and understandably has never been heard from again. Some experts believe that he perished during the fall while others are convinced he lived on into maturity under a false identity. At any rate, who really gives a crap, right?
For starters, the FBI does. That’s who. On New Year’s Eve, the Bureau
released drawings that it said probably are close to what Cooper looked like, along with a map of areas where Cooper might have landed.
Now, I’m not sure why they released drawings when drawings were previously released a countless number of times. Did they work then? No, they didn’t. Well, a slew of men over the years have come forward claiming to be Cooper, partially due to these drawings, but all were proved to be fakes. In 2001, the necktie that D.B. left on the plane was tested for DNA and they now have at least this much to go on, which seems to be enough to scrutinize the crazies if nothing else.
But seriously, who cares? This happened 37 years ago! Let’s wrap it up, folks. I mean, if as of today we still have no leads whatsoever, what does releasing a new and slightly updated sketch hope to accomplish? Chances are, if Cooper did survive and lives a senile life somewhere having spent the very low sum of money two months after he required it on hookers and coke, he’s still not going to come forward now. Is there nothing, nothing at all, that the FBI could focus their attention on? Hell, I’d take a new bigfoot sighting at this point.
And really, the FBI has nothing to do apparently. Seattle-based agent Larry Carr drones on:
“Maybe a hydrologist can use the latest technology to trace the $5,800 in ransom money found in 1980 to where Cooper landed upstream.”
Yeah, maybe. And maybe you can get a new effing hobby, moron! I mean, a hydrologist…really?! There HAS to be someone somewhere who can think of a better use of government resources.
Check out the story here, if you dare. Oh, and if any of the readers out there happen to lend a hand in apprehending Cooper thanks to my intrepid story , I’m claiming 20% of the reward money right now. Deal with it.
Ciao.